College Age Kid?

[boo]

Hope this isn't too far off the teen subject.... do any of you have a child in college who seems to be emotionally vulnerable/volatile? Our daughter is a junior, and she seems to have such ups and downs, is hard on herself, calls home in tears, bounces off and is fine for a few weeks, then is back on the phone sounding blue or crying. She gets emotional about tests, grades, choosing her major, boys, etc. She honestly is a couple of years younger emotionally than her peers and always has been - how dowe help her grow up and move forward? At times we despair that she will ever grow up emotionally! She can be selfish and self centered, and she is also is so aware of herself in terms of how she appears to others - like she can't ever get outside that stress of how she sounds, looks or appears to others. I should say also that she is at a really good school, a small private college, majoring in a science, has good grades, has a part time job, has nice friends who seem to care, has a great sense of humor, is a great listener, has a good relationship with professors.... she just seems so attached to us here at home... when she calls, I talk to her for hours and my husband lately says that I need to be less available to her....so she will mature on her own. I've tried teling her "honey I'm not a pro at this, I'm just a mom" and asking her to see the counseling center at school. She and I are very close, but I don't want to impede her development. Is this behavoir customary or is she kind of in trouble here? Thanks!!!

[Carlene]

I'll be very interested to see what Dr. Bradley has to say, but I just had to put my two cents in.

I think the worst thing you can do is to push your children away at any age. You can't force them to "grow up" and you really don't want them turning their back on you when you do that to them. You're doing 1/2 of the right thing by telling your daughter that you're not an expert but just a Mom. Encourage her to get thae advice of experts, but don't downplay YOUR importance. Sure you're no expert, but sharing with her your views and experiences is all the value you have in her world.

College age is a critical stage of development for some kids as any other stage. Never understimate your importance to your kid's lives.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I think you need to trust your instincts which tell you that your daughter needs this support from you, at least for now. I agree with Carlene's thought that you can't just suddenly pull back while your kid needs you. Her behavior is not all that unusual in college kids, but it is time to have your daughter sit down with a professional to be sure some other disorder is not at play (like an anxiety problem that requires treatment). If you are correct in saying that she has always been a little behind the curve maturationally, then chill your husband out by noting that she will continue to mature and likely move past this phase as well.
And stop minimizing your importance as "just a mom"! You give her love and support which is much more valuable than anything we shrinks can give. If I were you, I'd feel blessed that my immature kid feels comfortable enough with me to play out her fears with me rather than go underground and find some self-destructive way to relieve her stress (like drugs or sex).
Stay cool, keep loving your kid, and let us know how things are going.
Be well,
Mike Bradley

[boo]

Thanks for your kind remarks, it helps to remember that I am a carefully trained expert in this particular person! As such, I deserve the chance to support and listen. She called today, and said that she had gone to the dean and asked for help with untimed exams, etc. I think there might be an underlying anxiety issue, so she will get help with that on campus and I will also have her see someone near school for counseling. I guess what hit me today is that she does call in a blathering mess about things - crying , sad, mad, etc. but then the next day brings a perspective and she often has a solution worked out, or has gone for a bike ride, or dinner with a friend, etc. In short, she does seem to p rocess things and get to where she feels better. I get frightended by the emotional outpouring because I am far away, and she is the only kid this age I know - so I honestly don' t know what is to be expected. But if she gets past the meltdown and comes back with an idea then I can't treat that as a problem - I have to recognize it as a cry for support, but that she does implement her own solutions when they pop into her mind. I would really like to hear more about what is to be expected at this age - from parents and anyone with input. And, what helps them pass through to the next stage well. How do you encourage responsibility without rejecting? Thanks so much!