ednbeth
04-22-2006, 10:19 AM
Hello Dr. Bradley,
Our oldest child, an almost 14 year old daughter, seems to be pulling away and we don't know what to do.
She has always been a sweet child who has not openly been easy to share difficult topics with. Our body talk, period talk, sex talks... are always uncomfortable and I walk away feeling like the whole situation bombed badly. I am 46 years old, and these talks were non-existant in my family. I never felt I could approach my parents with questions. I learned a lot from my friends who had older siblings. Things happened b/c I was naive, uninformed, and had low self-esteem. I swore I would always be open and approachable with my children.
Talks with our daughter are always a struggle. She acts uncomfortable, squirms, has frequent bathroom trips, and never has any questions. When we ask about topics such as dating, smoking, or friendships in school we feel we bet 'brush-off' answers. She is a very good student and is involved in an athletic-type activity two days a week. Her attitude with the family has been less than friendly at times. Lots of bossing her siblings, eye rolling and arguing lately. She has also started to hang out with some kids (boys and girls) that we're not familiar with, but seem to be angst-ridden kids. She still hangs out with her old group, which we know and are comfortable with.
On several occasions, I have read notes I have found in my daughter's bedroom. I have a dilemma with this b/c I know it breaks a bond of trust, yet I so want a glimpse into her life. Several things I found out recently (via snooping) have disturbed me. She was asked by a friend if she is "still a virgin from smoking", she told a good friend that something that happened the previous night "was uncomfortable and that I want you to know I am not a slut. I know it's dangerous and stupid and I don't go around doing things like that." We also found out a friend has been very close to being intimate with her boyfriend and was debating having sex. THese kids are 13 and 14. With the exception of lunch at a local fast food restaurant and 3 boy/girl parties, I don't know when and where this could be happening!
I don't know what to do. I haven't confronted her b/c I don't want to open up the "snooping" can of worms. I have asked her hypothetical questions about the above situations and she always gives me the answers I want to hear. But, with regard to the friend and her boyfriend, she has said there is no one she knows of that even kisses. Therefore, I don't know if I can believe any of her answers.
Could you please give us ANY advice as to how to handle this? What boundaries do we set as far as the boy/girl get togethers until we know what's going on? Should I confess about the snooping? Basically, how do we 'get thru'?
Our oldest child, an almost 14 year old daughter, seems to be pulling away and we don't know what to do.
She has always been a sweet child who has not openly been easy to share difficult topics with. Our body talk, period talk, sex talks... are always uncomfortable and I walk away feeling like the whole situation bombed badly. I am 46 years old, and these talks were non-existant in my family. I never felt I could approach my parents with questions. I learned a lot from my friends who had older siblings. Things happened b/c I was naive, uninformed, and had low self-esteem. I swore I would always be open and approachable with my children.
Talks with our daughter are always a struggle. She acts uncomfortable, squirms, has frequent bathroom trips, and never has any questions. When we ask about topics such as dating, smoking, or friendships in school we feel we bet 'brush-off' answers. She is a very good student and is involved in an athletic-type activity two days a week. Her attitude with the family has been less than friendly at times. Lots of bossing her siblings, eye rolling and arguing lately. She has also started to hang out with some kids (boys and girls) that we're not familiar with, but seem to be angst-ridden kids. She still hangs out with her old group, which we know and are comfortable with.
On several occasions, I have read notes I have found in my daughter's bedroom. I have a dilemma with this b/c I know it breaks a bond of trust, yet I so want a glimpse into her life. Several things I found out recently (via snooping) have disturbed me. She was asked by a friend if she is "still a virgin from smoking", she told a good friend that something that happened the previous night "was uncomfortable and that I want you to know I am not a slut. I know it's dangerous and stupid and I don't go around doing things like that." We also found out a friend has been very close to being intimate with her boyfriend and was debating having sex. THese kids are 13 and 14. With the exception of lunch at a local fast food restaurant and 3 boy/girl parties, I don't know when and where this could be happening!
I don't know what to do. I haven't confronted her b/c I don't want to open up the "snooping" can of worms. I have asked her hypothetical questions about the above situations and she always gives me the answers I want to hear. But, with regard to the friend and her boyfriend, she has said there is no one she knows of that even kisses. Therefore, I don't know if I can believe any of her answers.
Could you please give us ANY advice as to how to handle this? What boundaries do we set as far as the boy/girl get togethers until we know what's going on? Should I confess about the snooping? Basically, how do we 'get thru'?