share your joys/challenges/conflicts/stories

[Susie]

I am the mother of two children ages 10 (girl) and 12 1/2 (boy). My children have gone through a divorce at ages 3 & 5, dealing with their dad's alcoholism, and relocating 45 min. away from all family and getting a new step-dad 3 1/2 years ago. With all that said, I am extremely lucky that they are both doing wonderful and are well adjusted. My two major concerns are the possibility of them dealing with alcoholism due to heredity and the ongoing ups and downs my son in particular has with his dad's not being there for him. (The kids see him one day a weekend, not overnight) This past month, due to working two jobs, my ex has had limited contact with my kids. I know it is hurting my son, but he would never complain. How can I help him, knowing he doesn't want to discuss it? He knows his dad loves him, but how can I help him deal with the disappointment? Please share your ideas and other stories about raising kids. Susie

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Susie,
You and your ex must be doing excellent work to have your kids doing so well. I would guess that's because you've maintained your connections with these kids thorough some very rough times. Both of your questions underscore the need to keep on keeping on with those loving connections.
First, yes, there likely is some genetic aspect to addiction, so you need to forewarn your kids if you haven't already. Your ex is in a uniquely qualified position to talk to the kids about this (assuming he's abstinent) and should start sharing graphic stories with his son about what he's seen in addiction, and how seductive drugs are for potential addicts (alcohol is a drug) . As your daughter gets older she should get the same talk.
And, yes, you are right to be concerned about dad losing touch. Given the kids ages, THIS IS NOT THE TIME! Those kids will be gone in a few very short years, and then the parenting game is over FOREVER. Even if dad kept up visitation, in two years your son may start to refuse to see his father due to the pressures and importance of his own social life (as will your daughter). Take this from a shrink who's seen too many strong men weep because their 15-year-old kids nicely ask to stop visitation so that they can work their jobs, play their sports, see their boyfriend/girlfriend, and so on.
Is there some way to keep visitation going? Can dad survive on one job for a few years? Can you cut back his support payments so he can see the kids? Can dad still squeeze out some time somewhere? Please look hard for these options.
If none are possible, talk to your kids by modeling feelings for them (this is in the book). Talk one-way without demanding that they disclose anything. Say that you'd be angry and devastated if you were them, and that you worry that they're being too nice about this. Suggest that your kids write letters to dad with their feelings, or at least keep private journals where they can get out their feelings.
Good luck and keep up the fight. If dad is unreasonably resistant to quitting the 2nd job, share my trick with him. Whenever I have to decide about shortchanging my kids for some thing I "have" to do, I think about being on my deathbed and wondering how I'll feel then about what I'm about to do now.

ATTENTION OTHER READERS: Please share your thoughts and experiences with Susie. Thanks!

[Susie]

Doc Mike,

Thanks so much for your quick reply. To anwer a couple of your uncertainties - yes, I have gradually over the past years taught my children about alcoholism and have discussed their risks in particular (especially with my son) and I will continue to do so as well as teach them by example.

I am sure their father won't lose touch completely and this is temporary. I have discussed how important it is that he is at least accessible to the kids by phone because he is missing out on so much. He said he was going to get voice mail three weeks ago after our talk. He hasn't. I told him there were many times the kids might want to tell him something that happened at school, or just that they love him and leaving a message was better than nothing. Unfortunately he is not strong and began drinking again when I remarried 3 1/2 years ago. He does not discuss what alcohol has done to him with the kids because he is back in denial. When he was sober we all celebrated (not together) each month, then he began drinking and told the kids that he was only having a couple when they were with him. Unfortunately, for the first time I had to actually tell the kids he was not being honest and an alcoholic cannot have just a couple.

I am sure he will never leave their lives completely, but he is so self-absorbed and self-centered that he inadvertantly hurts the kids. He loves them dearly, but has no common sense. It is this pain that I want to help them with, especially my son. Thanks a bunch. Look forward to your reply. Susie

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Susie,
Since your Ex is not doing so well you next best option is to help your kids with their feelings about their dad. Since your son is not a talker,try modeling feelings for him, i.e."Son, if I were you I'd feel really hurt and angry about what's happening with your father." Sometimes that will elicit some response from him. And you might want to try this late at night. Lots of teens will chat only at midnight, laying on their beds, staring at the ceiling. Again, see if he'll start a journal. Writing our feelings out helps a lot. Keep letting him know that you love him and likely his connection with you will see him through. At this point he's probably not a candidate for therapy, nor does it sound like it's needed.
Keep us posted!
Mike Bradley

[Susie]

Doc Mike,

Thanks for the reply. I will suggest the journal to him as a way to get out feelings that he doesn't want to verbalize. You are very right about talking to him at night. I sit by him before he goes to sleep every night and that is when we have our deeper talks. I have taken him to couceling a few times, once when he was five right after our divorce, also when I began dating my current husband, and once when I remarried and we moved 45 min. away from his dad and all our family. Not because he was having major problems, because he was feeling so "icky" inside so much that I wanted to help him deal with it before we had problems. I am sure he is not in need of therapy -I never mentioned that he has always been in the gifted programs (at his previous school and this one), has good friends, excells at sports, and has no behavior problems (beyond growing pains and dealing with lifes frustrations). He is so insightful and intelligent that he really thinks all this through, and doesn't easily let go of things that bother him or seem unfair. I think that is why I am so worried about him in particular. I am a VERY lucky mother to have the two children I have. It is just so painful to see them hurt by things that are out or their control and out of my control. Their dad did call last night and is seeing them a couple hours on Sun. Thanks for the journal idea, that may be just the ticket to help him release the "icky" or negative feelings he has. Hopefully he will be willing to give it a try. I will let you know. Susie

[Susie]

Doc Mike,

We have started a journal but in a slightly different way than you suggested. First, I did give my son a journal to write down feelings he didn't want to verbalize. I explained that any feelings that were bothering him could go in there - he could rip what he writes, save it, whatever he wants. I told him to give it a try - getting feelings out makes you feel better. I told him this was just for him and wouldn't be read by anyone.

I also started journals with both my kids that we pass back and forth. My 10 year old daughter loves it, and we write back and forth daily. I began by placing the journals on their pillows while they were gone with a stuffed animal and an explanation inside. When they write back, they place it on my pillow or nightstand. It has been great. My son doesn't write back daily, but it is still one more way for us to communicate. We still have our nightly talks as I tuck them in, but this way they can write things they don't feel like verbalizing or don't think of at the time.