at a loss

[desperateparent]

Just a follow up. We have not as yet tried to sell our son on the idea of giving up drugs for financial rewards. We have to do something soon. I feel at this point that this probably won't work. He enjoys hanging with his friends and getting high too much.

I (his mom) have tried to talk to him about some friends of his that were caught by the police. Some were charged, some were not. You can't get through to him. I was in the car and two of them were discussing it like it was a badge of honour that their other friends had been stopped and "harrassed" by the police. According to these kids and older kids that I have spoken to about this issue of drug use by your teenagers I am repeatedly told the same thing. Everyone is doing it.

What are other parents doing about it? Sometimes I feel that I am fighting an uphill battle and we're all alone. According to my son, the other parents are not only aware of the fact that their kids are smoking dope and doing other drugs, but are in some cases doing it with them. I know this to be true in a few rare instances, but I don't believe that this is the norm.

My husband is afraid if we keep pushing the issue he will be gone for good. He has already told us he hates us and hates living with us and that several friends have a place for him to stay. He is barely 15.

The hardest part for me is seeing how quickly someone can change. Only a few months ago we were out doing things together, having great converstaions, sharing lots of stuff. Now he only talks to us when he needs something from us and it seems even then it's not appreciated. He told me the other day when I banned him from any further sleepovers at a person's house who is well known to police (I just found this out) that he wants parents like this boy. I said "you want parents like his that don't care about him or his future" and he said he would much rather live like that then with us.

I am so desparate for answers. Does anyone have any solutions. I have spoken to a dozen or more organizations locally but they told me that unless he agrees to go for counselling that they can't do anything. Are there not any parent organizations or groups that we parents can go to for advice? I have yet to find one.

[kkelli]

First of all, you are not alone. There are so many parents dealing with what you are going through. I've been on a rollercoaster for 2 years with my 16 year old daughter. I'm wondering where your son gets his spending money. Pot isn't cheap. If you think money will motivate him, I would first bribe him into counseling using saying you'll pay him to go because "your family needs some help" that it's "not just him." That worked pretty well with my daughter. Try not to be offended by the "I hate you" stuff. A lot of kids say that when they are angry. He doesn't really mean it. And of course those "cool" parents are so much better than the ones he has. Have you tried talking with these other parents about the drug use? It helps to have allies you can trust. Sometimes you find out the other parents aren't as "cool" as your kid thinks.

Try leaving the house to talk. Go have lunch with him and tell him how scared you are about what he is doing. Tell him you won't tolerate it continuing and what the consequence will be. There has to be a consequence for this. Its dangerous and illegal. I have called the police, not for drug use but for violence, and the harsh reality really hit home. She knew what lines could not be crossed, ever, and what would happen if they were. I did not do this as a threat or in anger, but saying we obviously need the help if things are this out of control. I tell her every day I love her. Every kid is different and I don't know how your son would react to that, but that is exactly what will happen if he gets caught outside your home. You could also try calling the local police department and asking if an officer could come by (maybe when his friends are there?) to talk with him. A lot of them are very willing to do this and it can have an impact. At least now he knows that they are aware of his using.

I think a lot of teens wish their parents cared enough to make the effort to stop them. I see a lot of parents who are too busy, who I'm sure know their kids are drinking, smoking, etc. regularly and just prefer to turn the other way and ignore it. It's a lot of work to parent a teen! He'll thank you later I'm sure.