Leaving home?

[Mystery]

My son is 16 yrs old, I have had custody of him and his sister since thier mother and I were divorced 8+ years ago. After meeting the most wonderful woman in the world I decided to move about 40 miles away from their mother and to a much smaller town than where we were living. We have been married for 5 months and now the son wants to move to his mother's house. I am preplexed, heart broken etc. etc. Please help

Mystery

[admin]

That's a terrible pain when a child asks to live with an estranged spouse. It feels so crushing, like you're losing your relationship forever. But the fact is that you're not---this is only a break, one that occurs for a few different reasons.

As a primer, re-read the book section on blended families. This may hold a few answers for you. There are a few other things that may be happening as well.
First, your son may now see you as "OK", since you've got a new life and seem happy. He may now feel that mom more needs his company.

Second, it is quite normal for teens at this age to ask to live with the non-custodial parent. It usually is a recognition that they only have a few years left before they are on their own, and is a desire to balance the time they spend between both parents, whom they love equally.

Third, as good as the step-relationship may be, these are always awkward things that kids act like they're cool with because they don't want to make dad feel bad. Your son may feel like a third wheel.

The bottom line is that it's normal and usually beneficial for a teen to move in with the non-custodial parent for a bit. Open up the discussion with him to see if he can explain what's going on. This will help both of you with your decisions.

The reality is that unless the other parent is dangerous to your child, most courts would allow your son to choose where he wants to live anyway. If you can find the strength to understand and support his decision, he will respect and love you all the more for it, since he knows how hard this is for you. That love will keep him closely connected to you, even if he lives at his mother's house. He will see that for the difficult, selfless, and loving parental act that it is.

Remember, play the game for the long term, not just the next two years. Here this means to preserve your connections with your son that will tie him to you forever. Don't win the first inning and lose the game.

Good luck and keep us all posted.

Attention Other Parents: Any thoughts for this dad?

Mike Bradley

[Susie]

Mystery,

It sounds like you have been a great father and still are. Don't take it personally that your son wants to live with Mom. My guess is a large part of his decision is based on not wanting to move to a new town and leave his friends, school, and everything else familiar to him. Fear of the unknown is a big issue for all of us, but especially for children (even more-so for those that have gone through a divorce or other unsettling problems). I also have been divorced for several years. I remarried 3 1/2 years ago. My children had no real problems with my remarrying, but we had to move 45 min. away from their father and all of my family. Even though it is close enough to travel easily - it was the moving that was the hardest for my children and the scariest for all of us. As Doc. Mike said, even though I am sure this is more heartbreaking than words can say, you are not losing your son. All you have given him the past 8 years is not lost, and I would guess you will not lose your close relationship with him. I would also guess that he may be back living with you sooner than you think. The grass is usually not greener on the other side of the fence. Once he sees you settled in your new town and finds out it isn't so bad I bet he will be there with you. If not, you will still be the main source of his support and love. Good luck!