too much time on the computer!

[2littlesleep]

First of all, I have just started reading your book (Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy) and am finding it an invaluable resource. I can identify with all of what I am reading in the book, thus far (as well as the some of the postings on this website), and only wish that I had started sooner. I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old, with a combination of many of the issues discussed.
I have always been a pretty involved (not hovering) parent, without too much resistance. Now, my kids want "to handle their own lives" and have become defiant; and in the case of my 13-year old, rebellious. My most urgent issue with him is that he spends endless amounts of time on his computer chatting with his friends through instant-messaging and "my-space". We became privy to some of his conversations (and "my-space" postings) and we're shocked at the content of these messages. While some of it is harmless, we have been made aware that our son is comfortable using vulgar language and sometimes trashing his parents (namely me) among his peers via the internet.
While we had to carefully confront him on our invasion of his privacy, it was my husband (with my full approval) who told him that the chatting had to stop immediately, because we can't allow him to portray himself and/or disrespect his parents in that manner. However, upon realizing that as long as we are allowing him to use his computer for homework, etc, he will "find a way" to do it anyway, my husband decided not to enforce this. Although he has tried to assure me that he no longer uses bad language, etc. and chats only once in a while, never during homework, I know differently. He is on the computer 97% of the time he is in the house and is constantly checking for responses when he needs to be away from it. I know this form of communication is extra important to him, now, because he has a crush on a girl in school who corresponds with him (not always the most healthiest of conversations) and this allows him to do that with ease.
I've talked to him about limits to his computer use, but he finds a way to stretch out his homework so that he never has to get off.
This is an issue our parents never had to deal with, so I'm blown away as to how to deal with it. Our relationship has taken such a turn for the worse, for a while now (acts like he hates me most of the time), feels as though he is being "controlled" and has become totally defiant to anything he is asked to do a good part of the time, so I'm not sure how to handle this one. I'm realizing now that some of my strategies and reactions to both of my kids defiance only exacerbate the situation, so I need to adopt new ones. I used to have such a great rapport with them. I now feel totally helpless. Please help..

[ctowers]

I too have/had the same issue with computer time, but you have to stop and ask yourself, why am I so bothered by my teen being on the computer? I was amazed to realize it was not that she was on it constantly, but I missed her and I was getting jealous of her attention on the computerr. I tried all kinds of ways to limit her computer time, nothing worked and she only got angry with me trying to control her social life. she does her homework, her grades are acceptable and she is having a social life at home where I know where she is. i too have been called a few choice words online that i never dreamed she would do, (yes i have occasionally peaked at her IM) but she is not saying them to my face. All teens need some way to vent. I would let up on yourself about their computer time unless it affects their schoolwork. schedule a time during the week where it is just you and your teen time and not computer time and use this time to talk about what is going on in their lives, not a lecture time. teens do appreciate this time ,we have to approach our teens for one on one time, they may balk at first, but then will slowly come around. it worked for me. now i turn around and there is my teen standing next to me just to chit chat. It usually is brief, but better then nothing.

[2littlesleep]

Thank you so much for your reply. As much as it makes me crazy, I do find great comfort that he is at home, communicating with his peers, when he could be looking to do so much more. However, it has impacted his school work (he used to put a great deal of effort into his work, now he just rushes through to barely do what is required), and his desire to do much else. He is heavily involved in sports, but when he's home, this is how he chooses to spend all of his waking hours. I guess it's bothersome because he was always a kid who possessed a curiosity and desire to learn, is extremely bright, and I see him as wasting so much of his quality time. But more importantly, I see this habit as becoming so addictive, it seems as though it controls him. I believe there should be limits set, so that he is forced to focus on other things while at home, but my attempts at limits have created so much friction and distance. My husband agrees there should be some sort of limit set, but doesn't follow through (which they love), so the responsibility rests with me, and I become the 'bad guy'; which becomes another issue entirely.
I do miss him, and the closeness we used to have, so I've been real careful in how I've been dealing with this. I know the more I 'nag' him about it, the more he pushes away from me. So I find myself just being thankful that he is at home, having just left his messy room, with clothes, papers and everything else dropped everywhere around him, sitting on his computer, trying to discover who he is.
Thank you again.

[Lemsaw]

I've had the same problem with my 16 yr old. She went through a phase where she would try to bring it to the table and play on it while we were eating!!!!! That was several months ago and she is spending more time with friends, homework, etc. But she still spends a lot of time either on the computer or texting, which to me is just IM on the cell phone. I thought she should be doing school work or house work, or anything productive.

Her grades are good and she has never been in any trouble. Although it still drives me nuts, I don't worry too much about her computer time.