teen defiance at school

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My 13 year old 8th grader, always a sweet kid, eager to please thru Elementary School has morphed into an openly defiant, surly 8th Grader. He is enrolled in a private school that is K-12. It is quite traditional and he has openly expressed his desire to apply out, which we support, as long as it is not our neighborhood public school, which is riddled with gangs. He has made a number of friends at this school and other public schools. He admires their easier workload and their cocky demeanor. His 7th Grade experience was a good one up until Spring Break -- he was shooting for the Honor Roll, was active in a rock band of his own making and generally happy. Last April, he began hanging out with these other kids on weekends, and in the summer, saw quite a bit of them. We have gotten to know some of the parents, by and large, these parents are well-meaning, but lax in monitoring their kids' activities. We have banned a couple of kids from our home. Our son has had a vehement reaction to this and to our attempt(s) to keep him on track with school. These last 2 weeks at school, he has openly defied one of his teachers, by refusing to take out his book and pencil in class. He refused to take off a bandana (we have a uniform code) when his Principal asked him to. Needless to say, he has received several disciplinary slips and is in danger of being put on "Societal Probation", which would mean that he will not get asked back to the High School. This would affect his ability to apply out, as all of this would be attached to his school records. Our son is currently in therapy (just began). He has a pretty good relationship with his father, less so with me. He sees me as the disciplinarian. His therapist would like the two of us to talk with someone to repair that connection. On the plus side, his grades have been pretty good and he has a "girlfriend" who is very positive -- invested in school, athletics and is a wonderful writer like he is. HELP. I am so concerned that his defiant choices will continue and his options for High School will be severely limited.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Forbidding friendships can be a provocative and counter productive action that should only be done under extreme conditions (i.e. drug dealing, and so on). If you worry that a kid is a bad influence on your child, better to restrict out-of-house contact and encourage in-house contact where you get to supervise activities (and sniff the air for weed use) and he gets to see his friends.

I'd ask to sit with him with his therapist to discuss a couple of deals. The first might be something where perhaps you agree to allow his friends in your home and he agrees to get his act together at school. I'd say something like, "Being old enough to pick your own friends means being old enough to do the right thing at school."

Your second deal should look at his transferring to another school that is acceptable to you both (since it sounds as if you are OK with his leaving his present school). The odds are high that he sees getting thrown out of school as the way to go where he wants. Try to come up with a deal where he gets his transfer in return for finishing out this year and doing well. MAKE IT CLEAR THAT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL HE GET TO GO TO A SCHOOL THAT YOU SEE AS DANGEROUS FOR HIM. This way he might see that cooperating will be his path to getting some of what he wants.

I would also encourage you and your husband to get some help to get you guys on the same discipline page. Your son should expect to hear the same response from each of you on important issues. Otherwise he will play you guys against each other.

Finally, do try and get closer to your son. Ask for some coffee shop time where you promise to not get into "what's wrong with you" talk, but to just hang out together a bit. He may look all bad, but inside he's probably upset at the lost connection with you as well.

Good luck!