dad2
11-18-2002, 10:00 PM
My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months and have been living together for almost 3. We love each other and get along great. However, she has a 2 1/2 year old boy who I'll call Taylor, from a previous relationship who is very smart for his age, but at times (like any child) behaves unacceptably.
The problem is we both have a very different definition of unacceptable behavior and because of it are on the verge of breaking up.
I admit that in the past I have been impatient with him on occasion but from my childhood's perspective I've been relatively soft. I'm not saying I was beaten as a child, but when I was doing something unacceptable I was told to stop. If I didn't, my parents would repeat with a "STOP NOW!!" and if that failed, they would persuade me physically with a smack on the ***. I don't remember getting many spankings but the ones I did get I deserved. I have a great relationship with my parents, and as a 23 year old future-home-owner with a good career, I feel I turned out pretty good.
Her childhood was another story. At 14, her mother committed suicide and left her dad to raise her and her younger brother. Her father is very loving, patient, and responsible, and would never even hurt a fly. She was never yelled at much less smacked. At 20 now, she is very mature and responsible but has had minor run-ins with the law in her teenage years. I guess that's to be expected though.
Our only fights have been about Taylor's behavior. She let's him do anything he wants, and gives him anything he wants if he cries long enough. I have done everything in my power to become more patient and understand his needs. I don't spank him even though I feel he needs one sometimes, I try to handle it differently. When he refuses to get dressed after repeated requests, I will force him too, and she accepts and appreciates that. When Taylor and I are alone together, we get along great. He's an angel. Add mom to the picture, and he looses all sense of authority.
SCENARIO1: We're at her parents' house for dinner after the Santa Clause parade. Taylor has been at his dad's for the weekend which always makes for a a rough time because his dad's a moron that doesn't know anything about parenting. Taylor's terrorizing the place by being rough with the dog, annoying my girlfriend's step sister, throwing flashlights, and basically behaving what I, or what I think any logical person would consider as unacceptable. I kept my mouth shut and waited for my girlfriend to take control, but she acted as if he was just having fun. I could tell everyone in the room was frustrated, and I was embarrassed that she would let him act like this in their home. Finally, after he kept flashing the flashlight in my eyes at movie time, I snatched it from him, also causing the batteries to hit the wall behind me. This made it look worse than it really was and mom retaliated by telling me not to act like him. I responded by telling her I was trying to control him, because she wouldn't, and I didn't speak to her for a day.
When we did talk, I told her why I was mad and tried to explain my point of view. For some reason she won't comprimise on this issue and we got in the biggest blow up of our relationship. I feel I have done all I can to make it work and she's not willing to meet me in the middle. What can I do to make her take some of the discipline duties upon herself instead of me being the bad guy all the time?
DAD2
The problem is we both have a very different definition of unacceptable behavior and because of it are on the verge of breaking up.
I admit that in the past I have been impatient with him on occasion but from my childhood's perspective I've been relatively soft. I'm not saying I was beaten as a child, but when I was doing something unacceptable I was told to stop. If I didn't, my parents would repeat with a "STOP NOW!!" and if that failed, they would persuade me physically with a smack on the ***. I don't remember getting many spankings but the ones I did get I deserved. I have a great relationship with my parents, and as a 23 year old future-home-owner with a good career, I feel I turned out pretty good.
Her childhood was another story. At 14, her mother committed suicide and left her dad to raise her and her younger brother. Her father is very loving, patient, and responsible, and would never even hurt a fly. She was never yelled at much less smacked. At 20 now, she is very mature and responsible but has had minor run-ins with the law in her teenage years. I guess that's to be expected though.
Our only fights have been about Taylor's behavior. She let's him do anything he wants, and gives him anything he wants if he cries long enough. I have done everything in my power to become more patient and understand his needs. I don't spank him even though I feel he needs one sometimes, I try to handle it differently. When he refuses to get dressed after repeated requests, I will force him too, and she accepts and appreciates that. When Taylor and I are alone together, we get along great. He's an angel. Add mom to the picture, and he looses all sense of authority.
SCENARIO1: We're at her parents' house for dinner after the Santa Clause parade. Taylor has been at his dad's for the weekend which always makes for a a rough time because his dad's a moron that doesn't know anything about parenting. Taylor's terrorizing the place by being rough with the dog, annoying my girlfriend's step sister, throwing flashlights, and basically behaving what I, or what I think any logical person would consider as unacceptable. I kept my mouth shut and waited for my girlfriend to take control, but she acted as if he was just having fun. I could tell everyone in the room was frustrated, and I was embarrassed that she would let him act like this in their home. Finally, after he kept flashing the flashlight in my eyes at movie time, I snatched it from him, also causing the batteries to hit the wall behind me. This made it look worse than it really was and mom retaliated by telling me not to act like him. I responded by telling her I was trying to control him, because she wouldn't, and I didn't speak to her for a day.
When we did talk, I told her why I was mad and tried to explain my point of view. For some reason she won't comprimise on this issue and we got in the biggest blow up of our relationship. I feel I have done all I can to make it work and she's not willing to meet me in the middle. What can I do to make her take some of the discipline duties upon herself instead of me being the bad guy all the time?
DAD2