Older teens drug usage

[Andrea]

I suspect, along with my 17 1/2 year old son's teachers, that he has a drug problem and might be involved not only in taking drugs but selling them as well.

He currently lives with my parents about 2 hours away from us so that he can continue in an alternative school program (he is in a Middle College program at the local Jr. College to finish his highschool credit while also taking college classes).

About six months ago my mother found evidence that he was smoking marijuana. He was confronted by us and after much discussion it was decided that he could continue living at my parents and going to school rather than moving back in with us (in retrospect I wish we had just yanked him up here but being that is was his first offence....).

Now we have noticed a significant weight loss, truancy, drop in grades and we received a call from his teacher who expressed concern that he was hanging around with a new crowd and several students had reported that he is selling drugs.

When I spoke with him he flat out denied it and said he hangs out with kids that do cocaine but he doesn't and said we could have him take a drug test and get the cops to search his room. He was very angry throughout the conversation and feels victimized by his school.

My instinct tells me that he does have a problem, all the indications are there. I just don't know how to proceed. I want to get him help if he needs it and get him out of his current environment.

I am so frightened by all this I can't even think straight. He is such a smart, funny kid and I want that kid back. There are so many levels to this problem that I don't even now how to begin. I want to get him help, I don't know how to address the selling of drugs (if it is true) and I am just sick about what this is doing to my parents who opened their home to him and will feel totally responsible that this happened while he was in their care.

Thank you for any guidance or referrals.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Andrea,
I'm so sorry you're having to confront this nightmare. This is the one that so many of us parents know can visit us at anytime. Having said that, you must now take a deep breath and calm a bit before you proceed with your kid. How you handle this is very critical to your son's future.
In your head get one thing very clear if it is not already: Your son is not doing this to hurt you or your parents. He is in pain of some sort, and cannot see that what he does to himself really affects anyone else. DO NOT TAKE HIS BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY. I know that's easy to say and impossible to do, but do it. For you must be calm for the next step.
Take junior out for a coffee. Ask him to listen without responding. In few words, without moralizing or interrogating, just tell him that he looks like he's hurting, perhaps from drugs, perhaps from depression, perhaps from his football team missing the playoffs---whatever, but that it's clear he's in some big pain. DON"T ASK IF HE'S DOING DRUGS. Just focus on how hurt he's looking.
Tell him you want him to see a psychologist. That you'll find a couple who specialize in young adults, and he should decide which he feels comfortable with. See if he'll agree voluntarily. The deal is that if he is doing any life-threatening drugs, the shrink will have to tell you, and the shrink will be able to do a risk assessment on any drug use your son may be doing. This is a low risk way of getting a monitor into your kid's life.
If he refuses, then take him up on his drug test offer on the spot (so that he can't use test-defeating medications). This is a last ditch strategy, but your son is showing some serious symptoms that call for some extreme responses.
If he refuses that, let him know, CALMLY AND LOVINGLY, that withdrawing his drug test offer makes you even more worried, and that it's not right to saddle your parents with this responsibility, and so he must return home. It's likely that he should come home anyway, but that would be a decision best made in conjunction with a shrink.
Beyond all else, stay calm and loving. View his potential drug use as an infection that needs treatment, not anger. Don't provide him with other excuses to possibly use drugs. Just talk from your heart, of your fear and love for him. That's so much more powerful than yelling.
Good luck---keep us all posted.
ATTN: Parents---Anyone else out there have any thoughts for Andrea? Please share. Thanks!

[Andrea]

Thank you for your reply Dr. Bradley. I have taken a number of deep breaths and am feeling less panicky but no less concerned. Since my earlier post I have spoken with my mother and she said that she has not seen any change in my sons behavior at all. He is still cheerful and respectful. I've talked to my son (not about this problem, just normal conversations) and he wasn't angry like he was after the initial conversation we had about his teacher's concerns.

I know that it probably won't be an easy road ahead but I do feel better equipped to deal with this problem. I was proud of myself during my earlier conversation with him because I stayed calm, assured him that I loved him and was concerned about him.

I do have to say it is a pretty cruel trick of nature to have your children hit these teenage years right when menopause is kicking in. I think at times we are all a bit crazy.

Thank you again.