14 year old won't admit use

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Hi Doc Bradley,

I know from software installed on my son's laptop that he has recently started to dabble in weekend pot smoking with a certain group of friends. We have had several recent conversations with him regarding his friends' useage, which he has admitted and how concerned we are about him and his ability to say no. He repeatedly assures us that he has not tried it. On his laptop, he tells his friends that his parents suspect him, but "they can't do anything as long as I deny it". He is aware that we have software installed on his younger (11 yrs) brother's computer and we showed him an email that we apologized for discovering where he admitted to a friend that he had tried it. He told us that he just said that to be cool and he hasn't tried it at all. Since there is an apparent discrepancy between what he tells his friends and what he tells us, we asked him to consent to a drug test to ease all of our minds. He refused and said that he believes drug tests are a violation of his privacy.

I know honesty is the best policy, but I am terrified of revealing my true information source. It's the only way I have of knowing what's really going on, and I feel he is out of control at the moment.

What to do?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
I'm sorry to say this but I'd have to read your son's refusal to drug test as a default admission of use, which might require a reining in of freedom levels for awhile. Yes, a drug test is certainly a violation of his privacy, but he lost that privilege (temporarily) when he bragged about using, truthfully or not.
Be sure to emphasize that you will restore his freedoms once he has had a period of showing you good judgment. Set a specific time frame on this so that he doesn't feel as if this is an indefinite "life sentence."
When he goes nuts, tell him that you are very sorry to have to do this, but that you love him far too much to risk his getting caught up in drugs. The fact is that these calm but firm responses from parents often give kids exactly the kind of excuse they need to turn down drugs from friends.
Good luck.