17 year old daughter and rules

[mtl1000]

My 17 yo daughter, soon to be 18 and a senior, feels she should be allowed to work after school and drop all school activities and commitments. She is in her 3rd year of diving and very valuable to the team. She tells us she does not want to dive (and pretty much refuses to discuss it), but work to make money so she can do whatever she wants this summer including participating in senior week (and excuse to drink?). Her father and I have always told her school is her priority and she is not allowed to work during the school week. She maintains C-A's in school, with C's obtained in AP courses. She has already been accepted to college and applied for a ROTC scholarship in nursing. We have found some circumstantial evidence involving drinking. She and I have seen a therapist one time. However, she told the therapist she was not drinking. She will not sit and discuss anything with us calmly. When she does talk to us she is disrespectful and uses foul language. Her behavior changed this summer and I feel there is a lot of peer pressure. Even her twin brother is tired of her behavior. He tells me she does not talk to him much either. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated. So far the therapist has not been much help although we do have another appointment next week.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
I'm sorry to tell you this but it usually takes several therapy sessions before you see any meaningful changes within a family. In the interim perhaps look towards some compromises with your kid.
First, know that at age 18 your daughter has to be the one to decide what activities she will choose. Yes, it would be a shame if she quit something that she might regret leaving, but a "bad" decision to quit something at 18 can become a great lesson to help her to not quit something more important at 38 (such as a marriage in a rocky time). Second, know that it can not be OK for her to use abusive language with her family. Since she wants money, perhaps offer her rewards for doing the things you want (such as being respectful, getting good grades, and/or sticking with good activities.) However, calmly make it clear that abusive words will earn her nothing but a lack of freedom and privileges.
Finally, know that a teen job can be a terrific learning experience, a place where she might learn many skills that she could never get at school (provided she works no more than 12-16 hours per week and her grades stay OK.)
Good luck and please keep us posted.
Beyond all else, stick with the therapy to try and get at the source of her anger. If she's been "perfect" up to now, understand that you guys are overdue for a little teen conflict. Try and not get too disheartened by her pushing away from you a bit. It's part of nature's way to help our kids find the energy they need to make their way in the world.

[Lemsaw]

I have to agree with Doc Bradley on much of this. I'm currently struggling with my own 17 year old daughter. At this age, they need to be able to make some decisions on their own (even if as we think, they are the wrong ones). Better to make them now while we are still there to help than next year when they are in college and under more peer pressure. It is a good time for them to learn from their own mistakes and successes without us parents dictating to them. Not that they have free reign. But let her see how she handles a job and school work. A good lesson no matter what happens. She builds confidence in herself if it works out well. She learns about limitations and making choices if it doesn't.