Academic Challenges

[teenmom2111]

Dear Dr. Bradley

My 14 yr old daughter is in her first year of h.s. She has ADHD and began taking ritalin back in elementary school. It made a significant difference for her academically. She has to work hard, but when she does, she is capable of B's and in some cases A's. Unfortunately, she is now in high school defiance mode and does not want to apply herself. She now has a D, 1 B- and the rest C's. She can do much better than this as her schedule is not particularly challenging. She dropped 1 class (science) after about a month of school because she could not handle the work. I had always planned for her to be college-bound, but with these grades, it will not happen. I have tried to explain that without an education and direction after high school, there is no future. I have explained that we live in an area that is expensive and she will never be able to support herself with a minimum wage job and that an education is critical to her success. I havfe also told her that I will not allow her to live at home after high school while working at a dead end job so that I can supplement her lifestyle. I have nagged, cajoled, inventivized, taken away privileges, offered tutors, but it has not helped. At this point, unless she begins to apply herself and work at it, I am not optimistic that she will even graduate. It will only get more difficult as time goes on.

Do you have any advice as to how to deal with this? She spends way too much time on the internet chatting with friends. I've taken the computer away because it is clearly a distraction, but even when I've done this, she still won't study. I feel like I have exhausted all of my options. I am out of ideas? Can you provide some guidance/insight here?

Thank you.

[reelbuyer]

Hi
I cut and pasted a reply that Dr. Bradley gave in another thread that sounds somewhat like your situation.
Reading the book helps too - he addresses this subject in it and it also helps give you perspective on your situation - kinda helps you feel better that this is all you are going through right now! :)
not to minimmize it, of course. I have 2 boys, 15 and 18 - we did the whole take away thing with out oldest andi it did not work at all. He laid in his bed. He really didn't ge tbetter grades and it created huge animosity. He figured it out eventually and while still not performing to what he had shown to be capable of, he did fine. He is a freshman in college, and doing well. We have taken those lessons and it has helped us with out younger son. WHile we still occasionally take the computer away it is only after I have issued a clear action/consequence statement. Most of the time priviledges work better... keep her close - time is so short and then they are gone. When he was home over Thanksgiving he talked about "when he drove back home" It put a stake through my heart :), but I am glad to know he is thinking of it that way.
Dear Mom,
9th and 10th grades are the worst for a kid like yours. It's kind of a "no man's land" where he's to old to get good grades just to please his parents, and too young to understand the importance of school. College seems decades away. Likely next year he'll wake up one morning and yell, "OHMIGOD! High school is almost over. What have I done to myself with these grades?"
So for now, buy time and do the best you can. Stop the "takeaways" (they just get kids mad and hurt) and negotiate a reward system instead where he can earn what he wants via weekly reports from school showing that he's doing well with homework. Use a point system where the better ratings from teachers get him more rewards (i.e. money, sleepovers, driving).
Most of all, be sure to let him know that as much as you want him to do well in school, that wish has nothing to do with your love for him. Remind him how wonderful he is and how much you treasure having him around. Remind yourself that he'll be leaving in a few years, and then the stupid homework fights will seem really stupid. But the moments of closeness and shared love will be gems to keep in your heart forever. Personally, I'd go for the gems.
Let us know how your reward system works out.
Be well.


__________________
Dr. Mike Bradley

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
First take a deep breath and then save it. You are wasting your oxygen when you lecture to a 13-year-old that she needs a good education to succeed. This generation of teens is the most future-aware (as in "what-I-need-to-succeed") that we've seen. Her issue lies elsewhere, and the nagging/lecturing/punishing only makes her angrier. Does it help a smoker to quit cigarettes by telling her over and over that it's dumb to smoke, or does that make her want to light up more? Can you ever really force a kid to study? There's a bumper sticker that reads "THEY CAN FORCE ME TO GO TO COLLEGE BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE ME LEARN ANYTHING."
Shift gears. Call a truce with your daughter and ask for a coffee shop peace conference. Apologize for your heavy-handed tactics, saying that you get crazy with worry for her. Acknowledge the limits of your power. Say that you wish you could force her to do well, but that you cannot, so whatever happens here is really up to her. Then ask her, "Sweetheart what are YOUR goals for school? What do you want to get out of this?" Build from there. If she admits that she would like better grades (virtually all kids do) ask HOW you can help, not "here's what you need to do..." If she's unsure, offer rewards, not punishments. Suggest putting her on salary so that her school work becomes a paid job helping her to get the things that she wants based upon weekly performance reviews from school. Further, suggest getting a medical review to be sure that her ADHD meds are still working (they often need adjusting through adolescence).
If she digs in and refuses to cooperate, tell her that you can see that you make her very angry, and that the family needs to see a counselor to work this stuff out. If she refuses that, then "sadly" let her know that things like time out of the house, money and computers are privileges for kids responsible enough to address problems, and that until you guys can work this out, you cannot provide those privileges since failing school will hurt her life terribly. Keep showing the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of how she can get those things back by engaging in counseling with you.
But throughout this, keep reminding her (and you) that grades are important, but not the most important things. Tell her daily what you love about her and what's special about her, and keep the "business" side pf parenting (grades) separate from the "personal" side: love.
Good luck!