Friends

[ovr40mom]

I have found that if you "badmouth", disapprove or, or try and keep a teen from a particular friend that friend becomes all the move attractive, so I have not "banned" friendships in the past. However, I am in a quandry regarding handling a current friendship. Where this pre teen is, there seems to increasingly be trouble. The home of the child is the place the kids like to go, but there is limited supervision and there was a recent incident that fortunatley did not result in injury but easily could have. Some parents will no longer allow their children to go there. I try to limit the duration and numbers of visit and ask very specific questions about how many others will be there, etc, but in the incident in question, it turned out that although I was told a specific number would be there, ultimatly there was quite a crowd, and little crowd control. and of course, this is one of my child's favorite friends. My attempts to talk to the parents have not met with success. Any suggestions for dealing with this type of situation would be appreciated.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Youthful" Mom,
I'm assuming that your child is also a pre teen? If so, this is where you must exert a little more control than with an older teen. If the "event" you refer to was life threatening and the result of improper supervision, I would use that to say that, for now, that house will have to be off-limits for a few months. Say that it's not forever, but just until you can see if things become more controlled over there. Soften the blow (and reduce the yelling) by offering to host events at your home involving the friend. Offer things you might not have before, such as sleep overs or trips. Make it clear that you're not choosing your son's friends, that that is his call to make. But that as Mom, it's your job to get him to 18 alive and without a police record. Tell him that you trust him, but that "stuff happens" in an unsupervised setting that is not predictable. He might be furious with you, but that's OK. Let him be mad at you, and tell him that you'd be mad too. Add that you love him too much to back off a safety decision "just" because he hates you for it.
Good luck and please keep us posted.