Rage and Resentment for calling the plice

[Mike]

Dear Dr. Bradley,

Two days ago I called the police because my 15 year old son threatened to hurt himself with a knife. He was arrested, taken to the psychiatric ward for further examination and released later the same evening.

The first thing that he said to me after he was released was: “I don’t know whether if I should never again speak to you; or to put this situation behind us and move on”. I followed your recommendations and focused on myself. I was calm the entire time, before, during and after the incident. Later in our conversation, he told me that he would like to put it behind us, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me.

He has never done such a thing before. He had thrown rage tantrums from October to December and was always sorry afterwards. He has been much better during the past six weeks because we have lifted some of the pressure and focused more deeply on his needs and weaknesses. But I still feel the stress and the struggle within him. He wants to please us. He wants to do the right things but he is not capable to controlling himself.

During this last rage tantrum, he told me that he feels guilty whenever he hurts me or does not do the right thing. He said that he no longer wants to feel guilty and that he is giving up.

He considers many things such as studying to be stressful. He wants to deal with studying his way. So, we have allowed him to do so. His grades have gone done. Then, two weeks ago he asked us to correct him math homework. The next day, he took an advanced math test and got 93%. This week he took a Biology test and got an ‘F’.

Five days ago, he told me that he has a problem with a friend but did not want to talk about it. He has spent the past two days with the boys. They appear to be good kids. They want to have fun. No drugs. For example, while at the psychiatric ward the nurse told me that he had no issue giving a urine sample.

I have learned to trust my gut feelings and now sense that he may resent my action. What steps should be taken to heal and grow?

Do you know a suitable therapist we could visit in northern CA, in the San Jose, Palo Alto, and Stanford University area?

Thank you.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mike,
First, thank you for sharing this painful and frightening story with us. Unfortunately, this is a vignette that visits increasing numbers of us parents every year.
In answer of your last question, I don't know any therapists in your area. I would check with the local high school staff to see if they know a good adolescent shrink. Get there ASAP.
And as to your first question ("steps to heal") it sounds as if you're already doing great. My guess is that your son already understands that you had no choice but to call the cops. That was an act of love, not punishment. Whenever a kid threatens to hurt himself, we must take him at his word.
It also sounds as if your son is deep in a battle over issues like power, control, and autonomy in his life. Again, your instincts to back off on the grades demands were correct. He needs to sort out what school means to him, and why he should do well. At the same time, ask if he thinks it would be helpful to have an incentive/reward program to help him confront the homework demons. Offer, don't impose, this.
The other steps I'd suggest I suspect you're doing as well. Offer lots of love, on his terms. Beg, borrow, or steal any time he'll give you for chats (coffee cafes work great). Let him talk, let you listen. Try and not tell him what to do, but ask him what he thinks he should do. If he rejects you, keep going back nicely, respecting his space but letting him know he is loved, and that whenever he's willing, you'd love to give him a hug. Don't forget that your love and support for him in this difficult time are things so much more therapeutic than any therapy or medicine that exists.
Good luck, and please keep us all posted.
Mike Bradley

[Mike]

Dear Dr. Mike,

We are doing a lot better since my last message to you. There is more affection between us and he is calmer.

But I foresee new issues on the horizon such as driving and even sex. More specifically, my son who is now 16 wants to go on a driving trip with his friends during spring vacation. They have just begun to learn how to drive and I do not believe that they will have the necessary experience to handle a trip on their own.

I am not sure how to talk to him about this. At times, he does not want to listen to logic and I find a conversation that ends in rage to be non-productive. His typical response to situations like this is: “I am going to do it. What are you going to do about it?” I know that I can have his driving permit taken away but I am not sure that is the right thing to do.

I would appreciate your advice.

Thank you,

Mike.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mike,
Keep sidestepping the ultimatums. When he says "I'm just going and you can't stop me" he knows very well that you can, so there's no point in getting into a spitting contest with him. Just respond calmly, "Well, I'd rather that we found some compromise that works for us both". If he keeps threatening, just back off, saying that you're available to talk more whenever he wants. This gives him time to think and cool down. Perhaps there is some compromise you can offer, such as a series of day trips, each going a further distance on safer roads? You might tweak the offer by throwing in some spending money, and so on.
Good luck and keep us all posted.
Mike Bradley

[Mike]

Dr. Bradley, we need your help again. I am trying to avoid another violent outburst at home.

My son has obtained his driving permit and is learning how to drive with an instructor. I am paying for the lessons and am willing to continue to pay for them. For example, he has lessons booked for most weekends through November.

However, he wants to drive with me now. That is because he wants to show his friends that he can drive to and from school etc. I have explained to him that before he can drive our car, we are required to add him to our insurance. However, because he does not have a 3.0 GPA, it would cost a lot more and I am not willing to pay that. He is moody most of the time. He gets angry and says that his "life sucks...." What is worse is that he is not studying in order to get a 3.0 GPA within the next 3 months.

I can understand his frustration because I can remember my own childhood and desire to drive. But I also have to set an example. I believe that paying the additional cost of insurance for a lazy person is not right. I also believe that allowing him to drive without adequate insurance is wrong. He thinks that the risk is acceptable.

We would very much like to hear from you.

Many thanks. Mike.

[Mike Bradley]

Can you find a middle ground where he can do more short term efforts to get more short term rewards? For example, can you offer to let him drive the week following his bringing home a weekly report card where he does A/B work as verified by the teachers through the counselor? This way perhaps the task of B work won't seem so insurmountable and so far away. Can you pay quarterly for his insurance and explain to him that you cannot do that indefinitely, that he needs to address this soon? Remember, the idea is to try to get him to take baby steps towards being more responsible, not to get a massive turnaround. One good week can build for the next. Try and break down this challenge for your son into smaller pieces. Even if it doesn't work out, he will see that you continue to try to negotiate and compromise even as he can't uphold his end of things. That might reduce his anger towards you, and help him to see the real issue here: his inability to discipline himself. I realize that this will cost you money, but try and remember that you are fighting for your son's life here. In twenty years the cost will seem insignificant.
Keep us posted.
Mike Bradley

[MLL]

So glad to hear from another parent who called the police. Our son just 14 as been on meds for depression, and picked up a knife, I believe thinking that would cause me to back off on his grounding. It didn't and he stormed out. The police were helpful and talked to him only since he had calmed down but with the understanding that he would be back in to the Drs ASAP. He is now also on mood stablilzers.

This weekend grounding has been quite a challenge. Friday night he tried again to see if my decision on grounding was shakeable, only this time rather than starting with aggression he claimed he was in crisis and his friends were the only ones who could help him. Tears, hair pulling.... yes a 6ft kid nearly "holding his breath till he turned blue" I did not back off, but did tell him that if he was really in crisis, I would gladly take him to the emergency room. He got more and more angry, and began really screaming at me. I could see him getting beyond what he could control, but did not want to leave my room, as it would seem like I was running from him. I was very calm ( outside that is) and he eventually did hit me, one very hard slap in the face. His reaction to that was heartbreaking. He screamed, "now look what I've done" sobbing and took off outside. But not before I could at least say a few words camly so that he knew I was not dangerously hurt. and still willing to commuincate. Unfortunatly when he came back in the house a few minutes later, his medication was taking effect ( which is a sedative effect)

Somehow my husband and I were able to get him to go to bed. My husband had not heard all the dramatics, and it was all I could do to keep him from taking up the battle when he heard I'd been slapped. But thankfully he was able to calm himself and only discuss with him that if we could not keep him safe from self harm or we could not feel safe we would have to hospitalize him.

The next day was calm, and being a holiday, we were all at services. Our son stayed downstairs working with the little kids, which he is wonderful at, I got many compliments the next day.

When we got home I spoke to him alone and said I thought we should put the incident behind us, but not before I made one thing clear, that if he ever hit me again in anger he would not be allowed to stay in the house again until he had gotten help and made progress. Then I told him that once he understood that , I was not going to bring it up again.

And here we are nearly at the end of the weekend grounding. And hopefully it issomething he won't want to repeat. ( I sure don't)

Sticking up for myself in the face of his rage, really made me proud of myself, and I do believe I was (even in his eyes ) taking the high ground. I feel that I'm finally taking my life back a little bit, from the drama/pain/guilt cycle we seem to have become stuck in. Camly taking the drama out of the house I think can be very helpful. It is too easy for scenes kept quietly at home to keep growing. The light of day does seem to help.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear MLL,
If they ever award Silver Stars for courageous parenting, I'm recommending you. Your story points out so incredibly well the fact fact that non-violent parenting is NOT weak parenting. It is the most powerful parenting of all. In our culture we assume that not hitting back makes us soft and cowardly, and that teen aggressors will only continue to attack their parents if the parents don't retaliate in kind. The research shows the opposite is true. When parents hit back, kids are able to forget that they were out of control first since now the interaction only becomes a back and forth war. Punching or raging back only diverts our children from seeing their own behavior and then trying to correct it. Your wonderfully disciplined response is giving your son the chance to really change, while also making it clear that if violence becomes his way of resolving conflict, he must leave your home.

I hope every parent visiting this site reads your story and keeps your wisdom in mind when we are also faced with a raging adolescent. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. Keep up the great work!
Mike Bradley

[MLL]

I can't believe how much it means to hear (read) those words.

Why is it that I can be strong enough in the moment, but until someone outside, professional, objective, says "Yes that was right" part of me is still waiting for someone to swoop in and say "I'm sorry you seem to have done something wrong here, you were given this wonderful child, 14 yrs ago and now look what a mess things are"

Absurd... I know. I KNOW I care/ We care. We care enough to read books, to go to Doctors, talk to anyone about their experiences. To work better as a couple that we normally do when it comes to carpools, cooking, "stuff" It just feels like the stakes are so enormous that I'm afraid to leave this task to "us"

But I got me a silver star :) Even if it is like the gifts the Wizard gives out in Oz, I believe in the confidence they bring. And I'm begining to realize how undervalued confidence is.....

[deeb]

Dear MLL - Here's another "How come" for you. I've been teaching troubled adolescents for the past 23 years with a great deal of success. I've always felt confident giving them and their parents advice, support, and ecouragement, and really believe in their abilities to get through the tough times. I am able to calmly assure parents that their kids have what it takes to get back on track, given time, love and encouragement. Yet when faced with the same situations with my own two sons ages 15 and 17, I become a self-doubting, frightened, quivering mess. I lose sleep, my appetite, and all confidence I possess in my classroom, leaves me the minute I walk through the door to my home!!

[MLL]

Such a good question.... I should have added in my long saga, that when we were dealing with my son's cutting, and amateur (but no less terrifying) suicide attempt. I was operating on "I don't even know what" at first. After it seemed he was out of immediate danger. I began to realize I was overreacting to what were "normal" 13 yr. old issues. Caught smoking on the street, (not pot luckily), getting home later than he said he would. My overreacting really scared me. So I went in for medication and most importantly therapy. I know it was something I probably should have done long ago but I honestly think I didn't believe I deserved it. It seemed too self-indulgent.

What I'm trying to get at is the huge amount of difficulty I've had separating my identity with that of my boys. I don't think I seem that way on the outside. I quit work to be home with them for 9 yr. Then went back and started a new career that I love. But sadly I think something inside me has trouble "knowing/feeling" that my children's actions are theirs, and I am not judged by them. It wasn't until my son NEEDED therapy, that I really let it get on my radar. In that case it is a good thing, VERY good thing, but would I have done it without his / my crisis ??? I'm not sure.

I wonder if the success/ image / happiness of our children is so intertwined... with our sense of well being the stakes that are admittedly huge seem even more so....

So... no answers just more questions. But thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.

P.S. I also have a close friend in the "industry" that gets just as frustrated, and I know the profession part does not make it any easier. Me, I'm a data nerd and don't know any better : )