Son doesn't think about consequences

[Txsnglmom]

My scares me because he does things and doesn't think about the consequences! When the resulting consequences happen, he gets very upset. Why doesn't he think? (besides the fact that teens are crazy). What can I do about this? Let him suffer the consequences and just HOPE one day he gets it?

My only child is 15. He is in trouble for possession of marijuana. He was taken into custody 4th of July weekend after a sheriff's deputy rolled up on him and 4 other boys walking down a country road. That is where my nightmare began. I was devastated. So was my son.

Then, 3 months into his deferred prosecution agreement, he failed a UA. Formal charges were filed. I have retained an attorney. He was grounded. He was very apologetic and seemed genuinely upset and sorry for his actions. He seemed to accept his time-out without too complaining. I drug tested him. He seemed to be doing so well. Then.....3 months later, he failed my home drug test!

In addition to that, he is terrified of his probation officer. She is a tough lady that yells and uses fear and intimidation tactics. He has tried to call her to say he is sick and can't make an appointment. She yells and threatens him with arrest. He has developed anxiety over reporting. We were supposed to go in to she the PA so that she could take a social history to make recommendations to the jugde for court. I knew something was up with my son. He was drinking a 2 quart pitcher of water. On further questioning, he admitted that he had taken a hit of weed! He was terrified of being arrested. He cried and begged me not to make him go to probation! I told him he would have to suffer the consequences of his actions. He is grounded again. He now says that he is sorry and made a mistake. He says that he will not do it again. He could have gone to rehab or detention for this! When will he learn? I am worried. He is an only child. His father is not in the picture. He remarried and lives in another state. We have not seen him in 12 years.

My son is very loving and devoted. He cares very much about what I think. How do I make him understand what he is doing?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Something else is likely going on here. Your son says he is terrified of the authorities, yet not terrified enough to give up weed? Either he has a serious drug issue and/or he might be struggling with anxiety, depression or a bipolar disorder.
In either event you need to get him to a helper immediately to get an evaluation to see what's going on. With proper treatment (and quite possibly a medication) his thinking might improve enough to keep him out of jail.
Please move quickly. He's on a bad course.
Keep us posted.

[Txsnglmom]

I have been taking my son to a professional counselor. I will contact our family physician for a referral to someone for a more indepth evaluation.

Yes. My son is terrified of the juvenile probation department. The last time we were supposed to go, he cried and screamed PLEASE MOM!!! DON'T MAKE ME GO!!! He got so upset that he knocked a lamp over. It was awful. I did read your book and stayed as calm as possible. I told him that he can't hide from them. He begged me and said that he will never touch weed again. But, he has said that before. The juvenile authorities do not want to help kids. They want to see if he fails and take him away from me and lock him away in a juvenile detention facility. I think that is the worst thing that could happen to my son. I am terrified too. I have cried so much about this.

I took my son to the attorney today. He pretty much just read my son the "right act". He told my son that this is up to him. If he continues to do weed, he WILL be put away. I sit and wonder if it is getting through. I worry so much.

Thank you for your reply, Dr. Bradley. I will be on the phone tomorrow for more help.

[Txsnglmom]

Things have gone from bad to worse with my son.

We went to court. My son was given 1 year of probation. I got him into an outpatient drug rehab program. He reported to probation on Tuesday for his first UA drug test. That was Tuesday of this week. At 7:45am (Friday), there was a knock on our door. It was his probation officer and another lady from the juvenile probation department. They pulled out handcuffs and told my son that he was under arrest for submitting a diluted UA sample. Apparently, he had drank so much water that he diluted he test and it was discovered by the lab. They took him to the courthouse for another UA test, which he failed. He has been in juvenile detention since Friday. I had to go and retain another attorney to represent him (another $1500). He will be at the courthouse on Monday morning to determine if he will be released to me or go back to juvenile detention until court.

I don't understand why he won't stop this. It feels like a nightmare. This kid has drained me emotionally and financially. I am sure that the court is going to either sentence him to an inpatient drug rehab or juvenile prision. What is going to make this kid wake up? I am devastated.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I'm so sorry for your pain. But if you can, reframe that horrible picture of your kid in handcuffs simply as the next step in a sobriety journey for your son. Some kids learn a lot slower than others, and seem to need to push things to a brink before they "get it." As callous as this might sound, I'd say you got a great gift when the authorities figured out that your son was scamming the tests. Otherwise, his drug habit would likely progress and worsen, and the longer someone uses, the harder it is to stop. This way he will be forced to accept the treatment he needs with a structure (drug tests) and a consequence (the threat of jail) that might finally do the trick for him. Be sure that he gets a thorough evaluation for any underlying disorders that we usually find in kids like him.
Hang in there, Mom. This is a tough tour of duty, but one that will be worth the effort in the end.
Stay in touch.

[Txsnglmom]

My son has been in juvenile detention for a week now. There was a detention hearing 3 days ago. The judge and probation officer would not let him come home. He must sit it out until he sees a judge to answer to his charges next week. I have been told that the outcome will probably be a stay in inpatient rehab. I call him every night to check on him. He is very angry and feels like he was slighted by the juvenile probation department somehow. I am very disappointed that he is not owning up to his mistakes. I told him that rehab is probably next. He gets angry and says that he hasn't smoked pot in a month and is not a drug addict. I am praying every night that he will come to his senses. This is heartbreaking. I want to hear him say what a terrible mistake he made and that he has learned his lesson. He's not doing that so far.......

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
He is EXACTLY where you want him to be, as heartbreaking as that is. You see, his continuing denial of his problem is his enemy, a demon that could end his life as he progresses into the hell of drug abuse. Forced rehab is likely the one shot he has at confronting himself and taking control of himself, since that is what rehab is about more than anything else.
Again, I'm sorry to sound cold, but I'd be more scared for your son if the authorities went for his "poor me" rap, and cut him loose.
Hang in there, Mom. Sobriety is a long journey, and his week in jail might be the turning point in his recovery. Try and see it that way.
Be well.

[Txsnglmom]

Dr. Bradley, you are SO right about my son. After 2 weeks of pure hell in juvenile lock-up, my son had a detention hearing in court yesterday. He was being kept 150 miles away because we do not have a detention facility here because of funding. His probation officers wanted to detain him another 3 weeks because they are requiring drug treatment for my son. Since there is not funding available for inpatient adolescent rehab, they wanted to send him to another juvenile facility for intense discipline and drug classes. That would take 3 to 6 months. It is basically a boot camp.

My son has medical insurance. I also hired an attorney. The attorney said that she would try to work a deal. She went and spoke with the probation officers. The detention hearing was waived and the probation officers agreed to let my son be admitted to a facility approved by them that would be covered by insurance and myself. I just admitted him today. It cost me $1,000 out-of-pocket. This will keep him out of the boot camp.

When my son arrived to the courthouse yesterday, he was broken and unkempt. He was shacked, his hair was dirty and he was crying. He was saying that he will never do this again. He just wants to come home. He was more than willing to accept treatment at the drug rehab. He is ready to make the change. I was so glad to see him that I didn't want to let him go. I miss him so much.

This has been the most heartbreaking situation I have ever been through. I have cried everyday wondering how things went so wrong.

The insurance would only approve a 15-day stay because they do not consider marijuana abuse that serious. I am praying very hard for recovery. My son is now saying that this was not worth it. He is ready to stop his behavior.

I prayed to God every night. I am keeping faith. I feel for the parents that do not have the money for attorneys, insurance and out-of-pocket expenses. I am praying for those kids too. If you don't have money, your kids are left to the mercy of the juvenile justice system that just doesn't have the funding to do more than lock them up. It makes me sad.

Thank you for your kind words and support, Dr. Bradley. It is a great comfort to me.