At the end of my rope

[sharpenu]

I divorced my ex wife in 1997, and my children (son now 19, and daughter now 17) lived with her, until my son came to live with me at the age of 16 (in 2003)

My ex wife called me late in 2005 to tell me that she could not control my daughter (then 15) any more, and that she would have to live with me. My daughter had just been arrested for shoplifting. When I confronted her about it, my son spoke up and confessed that my ex wife had been forcing them to steal the entire time they lived with her, so that she could sell what they stole on ebay, and that was his main reason for coming to live with me.

So I took my daughter in, a decision I am beginning to regret. I came out of my bedroom one night to find her having sex on my living room couch with her boyfriend (that was 12 months and 4 boyfriends ago). She has admitted to street racing, drug use, alcohol use, and is now failing in all but 1 of her classes. She is a junior in high school.

She disappears for days at a time, and comes and goes as she sees fit. I tried punishment AND reward, I have tried to go to the police AND the courts, all to no avail. I got a restraining order against the boyfriend, hoping to get some control, but it didn't help. Now when I ground her, she sneaks out, she waits until we are not watching and just leaves, or she calls the abuse hotline to claim we are abusing her.

She has her own job, her own money, and she is completely out of control. I would try therapy, but I think she would have to care in order for that to work, and I do not think that she does.

I watch her manipulate everyone in her life, as she lies her way to get what she wants. She lies to boyfriends, my mother, her mother, my younger sister (they used to be close) and everyone else. She plays people off against each other. It has gotten to the point where I will be glad when she is gone, so my life can be less stressful. I do not know what to do.

If you have gotten this far, thanks for reading while I vent.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Dad,
It is quite possible that you are dealing with the adolescent nightmare called bipolar disorder, something she likely inherited genetically (Mom sounds like a good candidate as well). The problem is that kids who have this usually resist taking the meds that can help them. So the trick is getting your girl lined up with a helper (counselor, therapist, and so on) who can get your daughter's trust to a point where she might consider a med.
In the interim, please try and not take your kid's behavior personally. My guess is that she is really not in control of herself and likely feels a lot of hidden pain for her behaviors. While they look "in-your-face" to a parent, they are usually sources of great secret sadness for a kid. That is not a happy life.
Let us know how you make out. Good luck.