Our Daughter

[divinem]

First, I'd like to say that I have read this book. It was very interesting. Second, my daughter has just gone insane! My husband and I are good parents. According to our son, we are the BEST! However, he's 9 and hasn't gone insane yet. Our daughter, who used to be a very nice individual, is acting in a manner which is very strange to me. Her grades weren't okay on the grade reports, so I grounded her and told her to bring the books home and we would try to help her. She knows full well and good that "F's" are no nos. (Obviously from my past statement, this wasn't the first time with bad grades and we handled the matter by restriction. Her grades improved because of the lack of distractions.) She says, "it's not my fault!" and blames the teachers. Well the truth of the matter is, the fault rests on both the teacher and my daughter. Each won't accept responsibility for their actions. My daughter is confrontational, not physically however she talks over the top of me. My status these days are "*****" and "stupid". I guess I'm feeling bad because this morning I lost my temper and told her to "cut the negative attitude." To which she became really nasty. I then ignored her and took them both to school. I can't take anything else away from her. What do I do? I'm tired of walking on eggshells because at this point it doesn't matter what I say. Help! And thanks for the vent.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Welcome to boot camp. You've now entered the real world of raising teenagers. As you've seen, it can be amazing when you see that you don't have the control you thought you had over your child. You might want to pull out that "interesting" book and reread it. Having had your baptism of fire, the book may be much more helpful to you this time around. You'll find these following thoughts laid out in more detail in the book, but here's a couple of thoughts to focus on.
First, your job description has just changed. Your role is no longer to control your kid, but to help her to control herself. When you say that she's talking over top of you, does that mean you're competing to talk over her in return? If so, back off and say less. Let her finish her thoughts as "crazy" as they may sound. This will help her hear her own rationalizations of her failures, and hopefully allow her to think about what she should do. Stop preaching at her about her responsibilities. Instead, empathize with her about her difficult teacher. Support her view, even if it's distorted a bit ("Gee, honey, that teacher sounds awful. I'm so sorry you're stuck with him. What can I do to help?"). The idea is to move her thinking more to what she can do to solve her end of the problem by nicely ending the debate about who's at fault. Concede that the teachers are unfair (true or not) and then ask "So what should you do?"
Next, knock off the punishments. As you note, you've now got a war of atttrition going on with your kid, and you're out of ammo. That trick never really works anyway now that she's a teen, so forget it. Rather set up a reward system where she can earn privileges, money, whatever, for making good-faith attempts at succeeding. Reward her efforts instead of her grades if you believe that the teacher is at fault as well.
Third, walk away from her provocations when she name calls you. Imagine that she's 4 years old calling you a poopy-head, because this is the same thing. She's just trying to distract you and her from focusing on her behaviors. She will see that as strength on your part and feel stupid about hers.
Finally, and beyond all else, STAY CALM. As the book makes clear, keeping a loving connection to your child will keep her safe. Having relationship-destroying wars over bad grades is never worth the good report card. That fact can become terribly clear to parents who lose their kids to the real nightmares of drugs, sex, and rock 'n roll (violence) after first losing them in wars over grades. Do all you lovingly can for the grades, but keep focused first on the heart of your child. That is what will keep her alive, happy, and well through her life. Play for the long game.
Good luck, and keep us posted.