Open House Party - MY HOUSE!

[grayHairs]

My wife and I went away for the weekend and left our 16-year-old daughters to stay with a friend. The kids took off to go to the "movies" with friends who drive, and snuck into our (locked) house to have a party, with alcohol and lots of kids. They tried to cover their tracks, but we found out.

We have expressed strong concern about their judgement, dishonesty and poor choices. We have grounded them until further notice. We are holding them financially responsible for some minor damage. We are insisting on a complete disclosure of what happened (so far they are resisting a full confession).

They are resorting to the "that's what teenagers DO" defense. It has become a huge issue. We are having a family meeting to discuss it tonight. I am afraid it is going to be a major meltdown.

Can you give me any coaching on how to try to deal with this productively ? One of us is in favor of significant changes in rules, practices and policies, but the other is not so sure that "getting tough" is going to lead to the best results.

Help?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
Getting tough is good for controlling kids; getting close is better for TEACHING kids. In today's world we must try to first teach. Start with open-ended talking without any "punishments" or "policies" to see where it goes. Share the feelings behind your anger, namely the hurt, loss, and disappointment.
If your kids respond well and seem to "get it," then move on by agreeing to a consequence if this dishonesty should happen again. If they don't respond well, then say that you must impose strict rules to protect them (not to punish them) until you can feel more trust and honesty in your relationship. It's that connection that is the key, and you get that with communication, not with crackdowns.
Please let us know how this goes.