My Son Has "Checked Out" with responsibility

[lvtocmp]

HELP! My son has grad from HS (last yr). Started college in fall 2002. Seemed to be fine until Jan 2003. He totaled a truck and his grandfather died all within a month's time (but not even sure if this has anything to do with anything). Well . . . he quit college - second semester (end of Jan 2003), moved in with friends for 2 months, is not working, is not paying his bills (car insurance, speeding ticket ) is totatally 100% acting irresponsilby and like a loser. My husband and I are at a loss. We do not know what is wrong! It's like one time he was fine and the next minute he is a complete loser!!!!!!! I do not know what to do. There is a lot of info inbetween but how much can I really relate on this forum. If anyone could suggest a good book I could get as I do like to read. I just do not get it. He was not raised to be a loser at all!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Mom".
Without more information I'm afraid there's little I can tell you about your son, except to offer a few guesses.
The first is that he might be making up for lost "screw-up" time. If he was a "perfect" kid, you might be witnessing the crash course (pun intended) of lagging identity development (see Chapter 9, pg 189: "Identity Formation"). If such is the case, do all you can to keep him safe and hold on for the ride.
A second is that maybe something is going on that requires a trip to the shrink (i.e. grandfather grief, drug/alcohol use. etc.) See if you can offer him professional help without demanding an explanation of his behavior. That way he might be willing to deal with some issue that he feels he can't tell you about.
Beyond all else, keep your connection with him for that wonderful day when he figures out whatever it is that's driving him. Don't hesitate to dispassionately tell him your concerns, but make it clear that you love him no matter what is going on. Your loving connection can keep him much safer as he rides out this storm. If it's any comfort, this is a very common storm for folks his age. It's usually just a very scary part of the growing up process. Try getting a coffee date with him to see if the two of you can talk without yelling or threatening. He might be able to let you in if you can stay calm.
Good luck and keep us all posted.
Attention other "amazed" parents: Do you have any stories you can offer to help these folks not feel so alone? Thanks!

[lvtocmp]

It's hard to explain someone's life in a brief e-mail. By what I did write, you hit the nail on the head. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 17 and is on meds but has always seemed to struggle with things. His dad and I were divorced when he was 4 but he has a wonderful stepdad who has been in his life for 12 years. Also, he was smothered/mothered by me as he is my only child but he actually started rebelling as soon as he turned 18 which was the summer of his 11th grade year. Thanks for your advice and what is this book you are referring to and do you think it would help me or is it too late? After all, my kid will be 20 this April. Don't you think children of divorce have a rough time with identity more than others? I came from a divorce family and I had a terrible time. We have 3 kids (2 stepkids that my husband and I raised - he got custody). Our other son gave us the same kind of heartache. He has even been in jail a couple times. He is 23 now and has a good girlfriend and seems to be coming together. Our daughter on the other hand, she is 21, has no issues and is completely together and will graduate from college soon and is the complete opposite of her brothers. I guess we screwed up on the boys. I just do not get it.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Mom",
My book is titled "YES YOUR TEEN IS CRAZY; LOVING YOUR KID WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND". I had mistakenly assumed that you had read it. I think it will answer most of your questions.
Be very careful about assuming that you "screwed up". Being a parent is to be born a fool and a failure. Parenting is such a complex and challenging task that none of us get to do it perfectly. It's very easy, deadly, and pointless to tear yourself up for whatever has gone wrong in your kid's life. YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT NOW. Like that baseball player, you must shake the thoughts of old strikeouts out of your head and focus on what to do now to get your next hit. Get back in your game quickly. Your kid needs you.
Please keep us posted. Good luck.

[lvtocmp]

I just ordered your book. Can't wait to get it. Anything to help me deal with this situation. Thanks. I can't wait to get it.