KAREN
04-16-2003, 03:17 PM
I have a 17 year old daughter who will be 18 in one month. Here in Canada the legal age for drinking is 18(what are they thinking).
I am divorced, and as divorces go it was not a good one. I feared for our safety. She was 15 when the divorce went thru and her father was not very healthy for the last three years of her life. He would plague her with insults and threats and make her cry and then show up for a visit and see her for one hour and then follow me around the rest of the weekend. He moved away so now she doesn't see him at all. The last message she had from him was that her and her brother were worthless and he would not admit to having children anymore, that they disgust him. I placed a tape recorder on my phone to monitor the calls between my daughter and her father because they were just too damaging to her and that is how I first discovered what she was up to. She has been drinking since 16 and is also smoking pot and somewhere in all of this casual sex has entered the picture. She has always looked out for others and had the biggest heart. She has been hanging around with the same group of kids for almost 2 years, she is attending CEGEP and things were getting worse. The group of friends are multiplying and more diverse. Let me mention that she has been over weight for most of her life until at 15 she started her own exercise/eating program and has lost a healthy amount of weight. However like any teenager she is not happy with her self image. I have tried grounding her when she ignores the rules, but we were at the point where she would need grounding every week-end. She is now right in my face with an F*** you or a **** off. She is definitely testing more grounds each week. My concern is drinking age is 18 here, but to what extent do you go to get an almost legal adult to follow them. I was totally shocked at first but mostly I fear for her safety. Especially being out there with so many guys waiting for a drunk or doped girl for prey. Riht now she feels any encounter she has with a guy is fine, it's nothing and she feels he will tell her if he has STD or aids. let me also say these guys do not last and she gets to know them very quickly. give these kids an hour and they are already very intimate. She feels I am just overly paranoid. She goes to a party, meets some guy, gets drunk and intimate and then doesn't hear from the guy until the next party and the same thing happens all over again. I brought her to my parents for help and advice, I thought it would help cause my Dad is very well respected by the grandkids. It did not. I have read your book and am trying to stay calm in the meantime. We have tried counselling, she went the first time and thought it was ok and things were better for awhile. I made her go back and that didn't work out too well. The psychologist seemed to think that because I was keeping rules and picking her up from her nights out with her friends, grounding her, she was not learning to make her own choices about what she should be doing. that she was making her choices based on what I would do or what the consequences would be so she is not seeing what would happen if she gets drunk and has to take the bus (1 1/2hr ride) home at midnight. So now I make her take the bus home but she is defying her curfew which is midnight because when I pick her up it is only at midnight and if she takes the bus she would have to leave at 10:30 to be home by 12:00. When your child is 17 and has never bumped the system, how do you enforce rules that have always been there but never been needed. She thinks because she will be 18 in a month she can then do whatever she wants. Most of her friends are allowed to go downtown drinking every Saturday. (most of them are 18 now) I just don't approve. There is alcholism in the family and I just loose it when I know she's been drinking. I have been calmer the last few weeks, but I just don't know how far I can take this being that she will be 18 soon. I know I'm rambling but I'm trying to fit everything in at the same time. I'd appreciate any input you can offer. thanks
I am divorced, and as divorces go it was not a good one. I feared for our safety. She was 15 when the divorce went thru and her father was not very healthy for the last three years of her life. He would plague her with insults and threats and make her cry and then show up for a visit and see her for one hour and then follow me around the rest of the weekend. He moved away so now she doesn't see him at all. The last message she had from him was that her and her brother were worthless and he would not admit to having children anymore, that they disgust him. I placed a tape recorder on my phone to monitor the calls between my daughter and her father because they were just too damaging to her and that is how I first discovered what she was up to. She has been drinking since 16 and is also smoking pot and somewhere in all of this casual sex has entered the picture. She has always looked out for others and had the biggest heart. She has been hanging around with the same group of kids for almost 2 years, she is attending CEGEP and things were getting worse. The group of friends are multiplying and more diverse. Let me mention that she has been over weight for most of her life until at 15 she started her own exercise/eating program and has lost a healthy amount of weight. However like any teenager she is not happy with her self image. I have tried grounding her when she ignores the rules, but we were at the point where she would need grounding every week-end. She is now right in my face with an F*** you or a **** off. She is definitely testing more grounds each week. My concern is drinking age is 18 here, but to what extent do you go to get an almost legal adult to follow them. I was totally shocked at first but mostly I fear for her safety. Especially being out there with so many guys waiting for a drunk or doped girl for prey. Riht now she feels any encounter she has with a guy is fine, it's nothing and she feels he will tell her if he has STD or aids. let me also say these guys do not last and she gets to know them very quickly. give these kids an hour and they are already very intimate. She feels I am just overly paranoid. She goes to a party, meets some guy, gets drunk and intimate and then doesn't hear from the guy until the next party and the same thing happens all over again. I brought her to my parents for help and advice, I thought it would help cause my Dad is very well respected by the grandkids. It did not. I have read your book and am trying to stay calm in the meantime. We have tried counselling, she went the first time and thought it was ok and things were better for awhile. I made her go back and that didn't work out too well. The psychologist seemed to think that because I was keeping rules and picking her up from her nights out with her friends, grounding her, she was not learning to make her own choices about what she should be doing. that she was making her choices based on what I would do or what the consequences would be so she is not seeing what would happen if she gets drunk and has to take the bus (1 1/2hr ride) home at midnight. So now I make her take the bus home but she is defying her curfew which is midnight because when I pick her up it is only at midnight and if she takes the bus she would have to leave at 10:30 to be home by 12:00. When your child is 17 and has never bumped the system, how do you enforce rules that have always been there but never been needed. She thinks because she will be 18 in a month she can then do whatever she wants. Most of her friends are allowed to go downtown drinking every Saturday. (most of them are 18 now) I just don't approve. There is alcholism in the family and I just loose it when I know she's been drinking. I have been calmer the last few weeks, but I just don't know how far I can take this being that she will be 18 soon. I know I'm rambling but I'm trying to fit everything in at the same time. I'd appreciate any input you can offer. thanks