should we medicate?

[David's mom]

Hi I'm new to this forum. I read Dr. Bradley's book and left it by the toilet to ensure that my husband would also. It worked and has helped him control his anger with our 15 year old son.
David has always been very shy. In the past he would have spurts of confidence that were always tied to performance in football, skateboarding or success with girls. He is no longer sucessful with football and many of his friends are leaving skateboarding behind. The one's that are still involved in boarding at his school have low self esteem themselves and smoke pot daily. David has gotten tired of getting in trouble for getting high and does not enjoy these kids company anymore.
He feels everyone at school judges everything he says and is not comfortable interacting unless he is confident in his knowledge on the subject. He also feels most people talk about stupid things.
He has always tested high intellectually but never been able to do well in school. Since he was a baby he was not able to get to sleep easily unless it is past 11:00. The teachers have always said that he is a cooperative child but does not contribute to class. He says on a scale from 1 to 10 on the depression scale he is a 7. He just seems so fragile to me yet is such an awesome young man. His doctor wanted to put him on Paxil to eliminate some of the anxiety. Is it time or do we just keep working on what god has given him to work with? Thank you for readin this and sorry it is so wordy but I didn't want to leave anything out.

[David's mom]

David is still feeling insecure and lonely but now is at a 4 of depression from 1-10.He has been spending time with old friends but still feels somewhat disconected. He does not want to start Paxil yet. I think the social anxiety is all he has ever known so he doesn't know what it would be like to feel good. He says that when he smokes pot or drinks he feels so much more comfortable talking and that people like him. That scares me. I am so glad he confides in me and I will just continue to keep him talking.
Thanks
David's mom.

[annar39]

Hi, I know this may be a repeat question. But I am at a loss at to how to get through to my 13yrold daughter who was "caught" e-mailing something to someone. In the e-mail it said that she knew that some of the girls in her class were suicidal.

I went into her e-mail account and found 3 letters to the same person..2 of the e-mails were addressed incorrectly, the last one went through.

The e-mail was then sent to my daughter's teacher, who passed it on to the principle. The teacher did talk to my daughter about the e-mail in what I thought was a non-threatening way..but my daughter denied sending the e-mail.

The teacher and I are mostly concerned about the content of the letter. My daughter did tell the teacher that if she knew of anyone that was contemplating suicide she would tell her.

I feel that my daughter did send this e-mail, but my daughter is denying this to the end.

I think what upsets me the most is that she was not honest once she was confronted with the letter, and this wouldn't be the first time she has denied doing something when everything says she did.

I always thought our lines of communication were open, I think she tells me alot (more than I want to know at times).

My daughter has been telling me for awhile now that all the girls go to her with their problems. I did ask her if she was feeling overwhelmed with everyone coming to her with their problems, but she said no.

I don't know what to do with this..I am not sure if this was just "drama" as her teacher suggested or if something more is going on.

Thanks!

[Mike Bradley]

To David's Mom,
Please get David connected with a therapist who can help him resolve his issues about taking the Paxil. Since the illegal drugs help him so much you are correct to be concerned about the lure of those things for him. Let him know that he could end up medicating himself with illegal, addictive drugs that can wreck his life, or he can use a legal, safe med that can enhance his life, allowing him to be the person he wants to be. Ask him to at least try the Paxil for 8 weeks. It could truly change his life.
Keep us posted.

[Mike Bradley]

To Annar,
You've got three possible issues here. The first is to search or not to search. If you are secretly searching your kid's E mail, you may give her more reasons to lie to you. Be sure you have very clear cause to violate her privacy before you do. That tactic can kill more than it cures in terms of damaged connections with kids.
Second, is the suicide concern. Kids talk about suicide a lot, and most of it is not significant---but which talk is significant is the critical question. Don't press your kid further on this one E mail. Just dispassionately explain about the extreme youth suicide rates, and about how awful it is for the "survivor" kids who decided not to tell adults about their friends' prior threats.
Finally, don't play cop to trap your daughter into admitting a lie. Rather, ask once, and then speak of how sad you would feel if your relationship ever got to the point that you couldn't tell each other the truth. Sidestep the prior obvious lies, and try and build the case for her not lying the next time. Your kid will initally think she "got away with something", but if you stay calm and talk about the sadness of lying, she'll eventually feel awful. Remember, your goal is to teach her about trust, not to force her her own up to one lie. This prevents hundreds of future lies.
Good luck!

[annar39]

Dr. Bradley:

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I agree there should be clear reasons to read my kids e-mails. When she told me about the letter to the girl, she did not tell me what was in the letter. I asked her to go into her sent box and see if there was anything in there. She did and while she was in there I saw the other 2 and asked her about them, she printed them out herself for me to read. 2 of the e-mails were addressed incorrectly so they did not get to the girl, but the last one was, so it was forwarded to her teacher by the girls mother.

I have to tell you that I did the same thing when I was my dd's age, if I got caught doing something, I would deny it until I was blue in the face, lol!! I turned out ok, actually I think I turned out more than ok, lol. Let's just say there are 6 kids in my family and I was the "black sheep" during the teen years. I have a 42 yrold sister that is acting like a 15yrold right now, and her 11 and 13yrold girls are suffering terribly!

Thanks again for the advice, I will let this pass but I will continue to talk about feelings instead of the lie.

Thanks Again!!

Anna

[David's mom]

I was very frustrated last night trying to get David to do homework that was due last week. He is the most difficult kid to motivate. Once again, he is very intelligant but can not start a project and has no confidence or passion to begin anything.

The more I talked to him the more I wanted to get him help. He has been an underachiever since he was in 6th grade and I can't imagine how that alone can affect your confidence. I told him if he slept more he would have more motivation. He said that even when he gets enough sleep he is tired.

My daughter is adhd and I have mild torouettes so the doctor put him on dexedrine. We did not see a drastic change.

I think I will make an appointment but I don't know where the doctor should start. Should he see a specialist for sleep disorders or a psychologist for no motivation, energy and anxiety with a very busy mind.
I just can't keep trying to figure him out myself.
If this sounds familiar to anyone please reply.
thanks
David's Mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Mom",
Consider starting by seeing a psychologist who specializes with adolescents. She/he can help you decide what other evaluations might be needed, and then coordinate the treatments for your son. The adolescent shrink likely will have the best overview of your son's situation, to sort out what factors are involved here. Do that before "trying" medications to see if they help. The wrong medication can make things worse.
In the meantime, separate your love for your son from your frustration with his issues. Keep telling him (and yourself) all of the good things about him, and view the school problems as you would a frustrating, chronic disease such as asthma. Don't lose your connection with him. Parents who go to war over grades usually look back and wish they hadn't.
Good luck, and please keep us all posted.

[David's mom]

Thank you Dr. Bradley
David had an appointment with a psychiatrist two weeks ago. He believes David has ADD and social anxiety with probably some learning disablilities. He recomended a psychologist to start with that will send us back to him if she feels medication is necessary. He seemed to think it will be.
I let him use the video camera to tape his skateboarding. Along with the skateboarding he filmed he and his friends getting stoned and casually talking about how they get stoned daily.
I am so torn on many levels. I have almost gotten the image of the 'stoners' from high school out of my head but still wish my son could be much more. He tried to brake away from this group but was very lonely.
If the doctor puts him on a stimulant and paxil what will happen chemically if he still gets stoned?
I'm trying to have hope that the psychologist can help.
We are from Denver and living in Canada. We are staying in Denver for five weeks and he will have be hanging out with his friends there that don't smoke pot on a regular basis, if at all (or so he says). It should be a good break.
David's Mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
See if you can use this 5 week break for David to test out sobriety. Offer some bribe that he can earn by staying weed-free for that time, and by keeping a private journal to record his experiences. Don't get into drug tests. Just ask him for his word. At the end of this, ask him to review his "stoner" video on his own, to think about this issue of sobriety.
Regarding the meds, to date I know of no research that shows any dangerous interaction effects between weed and stimulants or weed and antidepressants. In general, kids legally and appropriately taking stimulants and/or antidepressants use less illegal substances. Stay calm and loving, let him know how worried you are, and then put some faith into the parenting work you've done up to now. If you keep that connection with David, the odds are great that he will move out of this scary phase.
Good luck and please continue to update us.