What to do?

[awolfe]

Our daughter is 17 1/2 and a junior in high school. While she was diagnosed bipolar at age 8, and is ongoing medication, she has been doing quite well throughout her teen years. She is active at school, does alright, and while she prefers not being seen with me in public, all seemed to ge going just fine.

About 1 1/2 months ago, all that changed. I caught her in yet another lie regarding where she had been on a Saturday night, and she said she doesn't care and if she has to follow any rules she is leaving. At first I freaked, and urged to stay at all costs, but this is just too hard. I've read the fabulous book, and many parts twice, taking notes. My husband is reading it, too. Now every time I push her to tell us when she'll be home, and to call if she isn't she gets defensive. Says she doesn't care about us and doesn't want to be here. She did leave one night when I asked her about being an hour late without calling (this is a girl who just ran up a $448 cell phone bill, but won't take our calls). She came back 1 1/2 hours later.

We went to talk to her psychiatrist yesterday, and she urged us to rein her in by taking her car and insisting she tells us what we need to know. I'm more wanting to negotiate, but I believe she'll walk at even that, and get into who knows what kind of trouble, and stop taking her meds.

Life is miserable - help - any advice?

Anna

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Anna,
After you finish raising your daughter, perhaps you should take up something less stessful---like defusing ticking nuclear devices? Dealing with a teen is tough. Dealing with a bipolar teen is ten times tougher, since she holds that ultimate trump card of refusing her meds, which could put her into a very serious spiral. So, given the limited information I have, I'd agree with you and negotiate versus get tough.
Try doing this with her therapist as a moderator. Tell your kid that you understand that it is time to renegotiate the rules since she's older now, and deserves more freedom; however, let her know that there must be some rules to keep everyone safe.
Ask what rules she could live with. Sidestep the provocations and ultimatums as if you didn't hear them (her: "If you make me come in at midnight, I'll run away and stop my meds!!!" you: "Well, what do you propose as a reasonable time to come in?")
I'd snatch the car only as a last resort option to keep her safe. A 90 minute runaway is not really a runaway, that's just a cool down, and doesn't warrant taking the keys.
BEYOND ALL ELSE try and see her actions as signs of pain and upsetment, not as in-your-face challenges. If you can keep connected to her, even if you give some on the rules, she'll be much safer in the long run. Don't threaten with the car. She knows you have that option. It's more powerful left unsaid.
The odds are that this is a temporary squall that will blow over if you can ride it out.
Good luck, and please keep us posted.