teen drinking

[LisaT]

I am terribly worried about our 17 year old daughter. Until high school, she was always the perfect kid, excellent student, well-behaved, a little shy. Her sophomore year of high school was not pleasant, though. Nothing major, but general surliness, always on the computer, grades slipping, messy room, not doing chores. It got to be that we never seemed to say a pleasant word to each other. That April (2002), after being told she couldn't go to the mall, she snuck out her window and went anyway! She was gone for a couple of hours and came back totally unrepentant. That REALLY shocked me, just totally shook my world, that she would defy us like that. This is our oldest child, an only child for 9 years. We have always tried to set clear limits, but in truth she was always such an easy child that we never had many discipline issues.

Anyway, I went for some counseling at that time. We talked a lot about her developmental issues, etc, not taking her behavior personally, etc. We re-negotiated boundaries, started letting her have more freedom as long as she handled it responsibly. Since that time ( a little over a year ago) we have tried to focus on keeping a good relationship, letting her have as much freedom as possible, within reasonable limits, i.e. letting us know where she is, when she'll be home, who she's with, etc. Always clear about no drinking. She said all the right things, how she wouldn't be stupid enough to do things like that. Sounded very sincere and convincing. We thought she was doing great. Her grades have been good this year, her attitude fairly positive. She's never late for curfew, has been holding down a part-time job for almost a year. She talks to me much more than she did a year ago and in truth I have started to enjoy her again. That's all great.

But since school has been out, she's been going out a lot, with sort of vague information. (Just she and her best friend, going to a movie or the mall, almost every night). Sounded a little suspicious to me. So, for better or worse, I pulled up and read a bunch of her instant messenger logs. I found several references to her drinking, some of them going back 6 months ago, some just a few days ago. There were references (from the last few weeks) to going out with boys I've never heard of. Last night, when she was supposedly going to a movie with a friend, they actually went to a party at the home of a boy they just met earlier that day at the mall. I found a reference to staying out all night on a night that she was supposed to be staying with a friend. I'm hurt and angry, but mostly scared that she is taking such risks! We haven't confronted her. I have an appointment with a family counselor for Thursday and don't plan to confront her until after that. Right now, I'm still reeling! Any thoughts for a worried mom and dad?

[thewalkingone]

Hi LisaT,

I just want to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE, my ex husband and I find ourselves in a similar situation with our 17 year old son who had always been a 'model child', good student, and never gave us one moment's worry until the second half of this school year when his grades really slipped and he just started acting like someone we don't even know. He's facing felony charges for theft and admits he's been drinking. We are at our wit's end and don't know what to do or how to handle him. He says the 'right things' and then goes out and does the 'wrong things'.

We're getting him a psychological evaluation because his dad is bipolar and we're concerned he might be, too, but part of me thinks he's probably not and this is just 'normal' 17 year old craziness - our dilemma is how to keep him safe and help him to make better decisions?

Anyway I don't have any words of wisdom or ideas but I just wanted to let you know that you've got company in this. We're hurt and angry too - and very worried. I love my son but I don't like him lately. It's really hard.

Here's a question for Dr. Bradley - how the heck do you discipline a 17 year old who is four months shy of 18 and thinks he knows it all?????

[David's mom]

You guys make me nervous. My kids are 14 and 15 and I was hoping it got easier when they were 17/18.
I don't know if I can handle 4 more years of insanity!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Lisa,
Try and focus on what worked so well before this recent incident. It sounds as if you guys were doing great, so why not try those same relationship building techniques. The fact that you've had another "blip" doesn't mean that the sky is falling. Remember, as parents of teens we are all in the failure business. We're there to help our kids through the screw-ups, not the successes.
I think you need to be straight up with her in two ways about violating her privacy. First, you do owe her an apology for reading her mail. Tell her that you get this out of control when you get worried about her, and that you will try to never do that again. When she yells at you, just keep apologizing and agreeing that she's right. When she calms down, THEN and only then proceed to "But we need to talk about what I read. Are we losing our trust in each other? It looks like I'm spying on you and you're not being honest with me? How do we fix this?"
Your therapist will help with the fixing part. All in all, this is not so bad a "blip". So try and lighten up a bit. It sounds like the core of your connection to your kid is still healthy. That usually makes for a happy ending.
Good luck and keep us posted.

[LisaT]

Just a follow-up on my daughter from a year and a half ago. After about a week of me being terrified and feeling that the world was coming to an end, I did meet with a counselor and she helped me get things in perspective. We actually decided to back off and stop doing those things that weren't working. For instance, calling to make sure parents would be home at any place she was going. This wasn't working because if she was going some place we wouldn't approve of, she would lie about it. We agreed that we would let her go where she wanted if she would be honest with us. We kept talking lots about our concerns, how precious she is to us and how dangerous some of her behaviors were. (such as why drinking is dangerous even if you aren't driving!) She made it through her senior year with fairly good grades, held down a job, was mostly honest. Things weren't entirely smooth and I spent a lot of time worrying whether we were being too lenient or too restrictive. Somehow, she seems to have come through it all okay. She's 2/3 of the way through her freshman year at college with very good grades and we are again close. I'm not through worrying about her, but it's a lot better. My biggest fear now is that I'm going to have to go through it all again with my two younger children! ;)