Child custody of teens

[bradley]

I have 2 teenage boys, ages 15 and 17. I have been divorced from their father for 11 years and have been remarried for 9 1/2 years. I have been the custodial parent. We have always lived within close proximaty to their father, wanting them to maintain a close relationship with him. They have always had freedom to run between the homes. About 2 years ago, they started staying more at their fathers in the summer. During school I have insisted they stay at my home, but their father will not enforce this. I know the reasons they like it at their fathers is because they have more (in my opinion, too much) freedom. They are allowed to have friends in the house when he is not home. Their curfews are later, and not enforced. I am again trying to have the boys stay at my home at least during the week. My fifteen year old says he can choose where he wants to live. The father says they can choose where they want to live. This is also a man who only has to pay $200 a month for both boys, and is in arrears. He has never paid a penny in medical bills, nor will even buy them a haircut. Of course, everytime they need money it is my door they knock on. My question is, how much control do I have at this point in where they stay. Can I force them to live with me? My heart is just breaking now. I don't want them to hate me, but I do want whats best for them. Needless to say, my relationship with their dad is strained. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear 2boysmom,
What terrible pain this must bring to you. After essentially being the only true parent to these boys, now they seem to be rejecting you in favor of their negligent father, throwing you away as if you're not important to them. But you know what? They're likely not doing any of this. And you know what else? You will always be the "true" parent to them.
Yes, the increased freedoms at dad's house are certainly part of their decision, but there is likely more to it. Teens in these situations often ask to live with the "minor" parent. We think it's because they feel a need to balance out the time they've spent with one parent over the years as they are approaching the end of childhood.
Please try to not take this personally (easily said, hard done). Rather view this as a temporary thing with your kids. The fact is that most custody judges would simply allow kids this age to pick where they want to be anyhow. Dispassionately outline your concerns to your sons about the lack of structure at dad's house, and then wish them well.
Your sons will love and respect you even more than they do now for being understanding of their wishes, particularly when they know how hard this must be for you. This will insure that your loving bonds with these kids will never be broken, even if they move out for awhile. Focus on keeping their hearts, not their bodies. The heart connections last forever.
Be well.

[ovr40mom]

having gone throught this I do feel for you. I did want to reply with some of my observations both as a lawyer who had handled many custody cases and a parent of teens who have chosen to live with the non custodial parent. Some states have an age where the child can express a preference and it is essentially binding on the court in the absence of convincing evidence that it would not be in the child's best interest or would be harmful to them. Some states do not have an actual age but look at the child's maturity and ability to express a preference in combination with other factors. But the long and short of it is, that the older the teenager in the absence of something like substance abuse on the part of the other parent the court will go with the preference of the teen. Aside from the legal issues there are the practical issues of having teens in your home that blame you for not letting them live with the other parent. I think that once you start hitting age 16 and up, they can make life pretty misreable for you if you don't let them go. Also, sometimes there is value in letting them make and have to live with the decision and find what life is like in the other house. We have gone through this twice. The first time the teen walked in the bedroom, looked at all their wordly possessions boxed up and ready to be shipped, and changed their mind and had to explain to the judge why they changed their mind. The second time the teen did go and was back within 9 months. What I have seen consistently from my practice is that late teens and young adults will blame the parent who they percieve as keeping them from pursuing the relationship with the absent parent. It is often better to let them figure out who that other parent is on their own, for better or for worse. Certainly not if the other parent is endangering them. I do feel for you and wish you the best of luck.

[bradley]

Thank you for your replies. At this point the boys are going back and forth and are not pushing to stay at their fathers. When they are at his home, they still call me for permission to do various things. Most of the time these are things I won't allow and I don't believe their father wants to allow, but he wants me to be the heavy. I get tired of that position, but will continue to love them enough to allow them to hate me from time to time. I am allowing them to make more of the decisions on where they are staying. Its really scary though, because I am still legally responsible for them. I totally feel that we need to know who, what, where, and when and their father never asks these questions. So, they get upset with me when I ask these questions, but I believe they have to be asked. I think it helps keep them out of trouble. I actually don't know what I think anymore, except that the longer I raise kids, the less I know about it. Thanks again. Your replies help me believe that I am not a "bad" mother if they end up moving in with their father.