teen rebelling against loss of privileges

[sue]

My 17-year-old son has always been a limit-tester but has usually abided by our rules. He has has very few responsibilities throughout his life and has had quite a few privileges and material things. My husband and I felt good that we could provided him and his 14-year-old sister with a comfortable life. The last semester of his junior year my son's grades dropped below what we had all agreed was required to keep the car he had been driving. When we told him to turn in the keys he took off and has been bouncing around to different friends' houses. We turned off his cell phone, but before we did he said he wasn't coming home because he had nothing more to lose. We talked to a family therapist today and she advised us to call the police, get the car back, and let him do what he wants. She figures he will run out of money (he only has about $80.00) and return home, at which point she advises us to take away all privileges such as car use, phone use, computer use, etc. until he gets a job and becomes a responsible and respectful member of the family. I should add that his attitude the past few months has been disrespectful and rude to all of us, he doesn't clean up after himself or respect other people's property. He did not keep up with his school work so it is no wonder his grades dropped. He has friends that he is nice to, but not us. He was just drug tested for a potential job and it came back clear. I am afraid that if we make it too miserable for him he will just become a street person. We have a very loving family, and I have always enjoyed doing things for him and giving him nice things. In retrospect this may have created his "entitled" attitude, but his younger sister is nothing like him. Any advice?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Sue,
Be sure to immediately get a message out to your son that you are very sorry to take these measures (calling the police, etc) but that you guys are legally responsible for whatever happens with the car. Do that dispassionate cop thing, where you are sympathetic but firm. "Nothing personal, son. It's just that if you run over a nun, the Pope will sue us, not you, you know? Sorry, but that's why we had to have the car towed." Don't use what may appear to him to be power and control contests. The tougher you sound, the more he will only respond by getting tough back.
Next, in that same message let him know that you love and miss him (remember that you do miss who he is under the provactive stuff), and that you'd love to have him come home. But add that, before he can come home you all need to sit down to see how you can all get along together. Dispassionately negotiate the terms of his returning, don't just "lay down the law". It's critical to get him to freely make some committments so that he has some "ownership" in whatever rules you guys agree to. If he says something like "The rules are that I have no rules, and can be as arrogant as I want", DISPASSIONATELY respond by saying something like, "Sorry, son. I don't think that will work. Maybe we should take a break and talk another day. Until then here's a few bucks for food until we can work out some deal we can all live with." The idea is to calmly and lovingly sidestep his provocations so that he has to see his own unreasonable behavior. This is his first step in finally confronting himself about whatever is truly feeding this behavior. Above all else, don't play tough guy with him, or you will only justify his actions and divert him from the real issues.
Good luck and keep us all posted.