another episode

[scaredmomma]

Dr Bradley, Thank you for helping me with my son. You are right, he knows he can bully me into agreeing with him. Since the last episode I have been more consistant and it is working. I thought everything was going well...then last night comes along. Just when you think you are out of the woods, the big bad wolf appears again looking for granny! He went out with a friend of his and his girlfriend. For clarification, the girlfriend previously hung around my son alot. When he was with her, he was very difficult to deal with. Her mother lets her run the house. My son was coming in late and was angry all the time. They haven't hung out in several months. Now she is seeing one of his friends. After I picked up my son from tutoring he said he was meeting them at the mall. I didn't think much of it. His curfew is 10pm when he is off school. Needless to say he wasn't home by ten. He has a cell phone but won't answer it. He doesn't have call display on it and figured it was us. He will text, however. Apparently they jumped on a bus and were riding around town. That's what he said. I spoke to his friend's mother who was trying to figure out where they were as well. My son kept saying, "I don't know where we are. " I told him we would pick him up but he wouldn't tell us where he was. Eventually he came home at 12:40 and as he walked in the door he was on his phone making plans for today. I told him calmly he wasn't going out. I said we would talk about it today since everyone was upset. He got up this morning and started walking out the door. I told him to give me his phone. He said no and walked out. He came back 20 minutes later with his friend to pick something up and walked out again. I told him he was to stay home. He just laughed and walked out. "If you take my phone, you won't know where I am." I am not sure what to do. I wasn't going to try to stop him physically. I just don't know what to do. He did say he doesn't think he has to have a curfew. I told him this was not negotiable at 14 years old. I keep going through the book to figure out the next step and I am stumped. I am sorry this is so long! Please help me!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Momma,
First, you need to get into counseling to learn how to gain control of your son, since you will have many tests like this one.
For now, without warning your son, have his cell phone turned off. When he goes crazy, calmly tell him that the family must together negotiate rules that he will abide by, and that that will involve family counseling. Say that when that process starts to happen, he can expect his cell phone to be reactivated; however, warn him that blowing off rules such as curfew will delay activation. If he threatens to run away, tell him that would make you sad, but threats will not change your mind about appropriate rules since you love him too much to let him do whatever he pleases at age 14.
This is all part of his brain learning that being a banana will not get him what he wants.
Hang in there.

[jannie]

Dear Momma,

Just wanted to lend a little support. What Dr. Bradley says does work! My daughter is also going through some tough times. One day she refused to come home from school. We gave her 30 min and then turned off her cell phone. She was home very soon after. It was one of the first of many steps that let her know she can’t rule the house and we mean what we say. Unfortunately, it takes quite a few of those before it sinks into their damaged brains. Things are not perfect but the defiance is much better. Stand tough. It’s hard, I know. But you are not in this alone. I’ve spent a lot of time chanting “dispassionate cop”.
Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you.