TornMom
05-11-2007, 10:37 PM
Dr. Bradley, I posted under "Miscellaneous" about "Daddy's girl" and now I'm very concerned for my 15-year old daughter for another reason.
My daughter refused to attend a scheduled family therapy appointment with me this week. Last week, she also missed it, although it was because her father took her out of town and claimed to have had car trouble, so couldn't make the appointment. This time, though, my daughter adamantly refused to go but wouldn't give a reason. She even slammed her hand onto the table in front of me and accused me of "manipulating" her for insisting we couldn't cancel an appointment the same day. I don't understand this because just days before, she called me in tears, saying she really needed to talk to a counsellor or somebody and she couldn't talk to me but I was all she had. I promised her we would talk on the weekend or I would find out if her counsellor was available. (We never did talk.) I know this counsellor was now adding couples to her normal roster as a teen-parent guidance counsellor.
I had to call the family therapist and tell her I couldn't persuade my daughter to go. The psychologist then suggested she would make an appointment for me and my estranged husband to meet instead, next time. He agreed to go.
Today I learned why my daughter refused to attend. My daughter is a member of one of those online social utilities, so I joined. I stumbled on a message my daughter received on a public bulletin board. It was from the daughter of the "other woman." It appears she missed her appointment two weeks ago because her father's "girlfriend" came to town. He took the other woman, one of her kids and my daughter out of town to a resort.
When I saw my daughter the following weekend, she told me she had something to tell me about her dad and the other woman, but she didn't want to hurt me. So, as advised by my counsellor, I told her she didn't need to tell me anything that made her feel uncomfortable. She kept silent and never raised the subject all weekend. However, she did start to get sick with bronchitis or some respiratory infection.
She missed school all this week. A couple of times this week, she called me from her sick bed. During one call she asked me to come over to see her at the house because she was bored. She also told me she was angry at her dad after just having a fight, but she didn't say why. He apparently took away the laptop computer, saying she was on it too much. She does spend too much time on it, I know. However, he frequently takes the computer or her MP3 player away as punishment when she doesn't do what he orders her to do. Same thing he has done since she was 10.
One thing she says is her "music" (screamo bands!) distractd her from her family situation. She told me that without the music she has more time to consider her family situation and doesn't want to think about her dad being "in love with another woman" and breaking up her family. (She was told by him about the affair at the end of the school year, last June and has since been confiding "too much information" to her.) She has also raged that her dad doesn't know it, but without her distraction -- it's a bad thing for him!
Frequently, she says she could really make him suffer. (She plans to pierce her lip to really get him mad!) She has still not told him of her anger at what he is doing. Now she is sick again. In fact, she has had a constant respiratory illness since February and it seems to get worse every time he does something with the other woman, who is still living on the opposite coast.
I'm so concerned that she is missing school in these crucial last few weeks. In this province in Canada, it's her second last year of high school -- critical because the marks are permanently recorded for determining post-secondary admission. I'm also concerned that she continues to be sick, even after two courses of antibiotics. In fact, she tells me the doctors can't do anything because it's "psychological."
Can you suggest anything I can say to help her express her true feelings better? What can I say to her that would encourage her to release her emotions where it will make a difference to her well-being? She tells me she doesn't want people to think badly of her or judge what she is saying... typical teen!
Thank you again!
My daughter refused to attend a scheduled family therapy appointment with me this week. Last week, she also missed it, although it was because her father took her out of town and claimed to have had car trouble, so couldn't make the appointment. This time, though, my daughter adamantly refused to go but wouldn't give a reason. She even slammed her hand onto the table in front of me and accused me of "manipulating" her for insisting we couldn't cancel an appointment the same day. I don't understand this because just days before, she called me in tears, saying she really needed to talk to a counsellor or somebody and she couldn't talk to me but I was all she had. I promised her we would talk on the weekend or I would find out if her counsellor was available. (We never did talk.) I know this counsellor was now adding couples to her normal roster as a teen-parent guidance counsellor.
I had to call the family therapist and tell her I couldn't persuade my daughter to go. The psychologist then suggested she would make an appointment for me and my estranged husband to meet instead, next time. He agreed to go.
Today I learned why my daughter refused to attend. My daughter is a member of one of those online social utilities, so I joined. I stumbled on a message my daughter received on a public bulletin board. It was from the daughter of the "other woman." It appears she missed her appointment two weeks ago because her father's "girlfriend" came to town. He took the other woman, one of her kids and my daughter out of town to a resort.
When I saw my daughter the following weekend, she told me she had something to tell me about her dad and the other woman, but she didn't want to hurt me. So, as advised by my counsellor, I told her she didn't need to tell me anything that made her feel uncomfortable. She kept silent and never raised the subject all weekend. However, she did start to get sick with bronchitis or some respiratory infection.
She missed school all this week. A couple of times this week, she called me from her sick bed. During one call she asked me to come over to see her at the house because she was bored. She also told me she was angry at her dad after just having a fight, but she didn't say why. He apparently took away the laptop computer, saying she was on it too much. She does spend too much time on it, I know. However, he frequently takes the computer or her MP3 player away as punishment when she doesn't do what he orders her to do. Same thing he has done since she was 10.
One thing she says is her "music" (screamo bands!) distractd her from her family situation. She told me that without the music she has more time to consider her family situation and doesn't want to think about her dad being "in love with another woman" and breaking up her family. (She was told by him about the affair at the end of the school year, last June and has since been confiding "too much information" to her.) She has also raged that her dad doesn't know it, but without her distraction -- it's a bad thing for him!
Frequently, she says she could really make him suffer. (She plans to pierce her lip to really get him mad!) She has still not told him of her anger at what he is doing. Now she is sick again. In fact, she has had a constant respiratory illness since February and it seems to get worse every time he does something with the other woman, who is still living on the opposite coast.
I'm so concerned that she is missing school in these crucial last few weeks. In this province in Canada, it's her second last year of high school -- critical because the marks are permanently recorded for determining post-secondary admission. I'm also concerned that she continues to be sick, even after two courses of antibiotics. In fact, she tells me the doctors can't do anything because it's "psychological."
Can you suggest anything I can say to help her express her true feelings better? What can I say to her that would encourage her to release her emotions where it will make a difference to her well-being? She tells me she doesn't want people to think badly of her or judge what she is saying... typical teen!
Thank you again!