Feelings of failure

[Beckie]

Dr. Bradley, I want to send a sincere thank you for the help you have given me in "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy." Having survived two teen daughters who I at last have a great relationship with, I am mustering up the courage to do well by my son who is sixteen. Your book is hugely helpful. But I must tell you the chapters on divorce and single parenting are discouraging. I divorced my kids father fourteen years ago for reasons such as drugs, physical abuse, neglect etc. Divorce was unavoidable and unfortunetly, he has not come through for his kids in any sense since then. The girls have suffered through this, come to terms with it and are happy and doing well. But how hard this is for my son I don't think many of us can understand. You speak of finding role models for teens without a same sex parent in the picture. Believe me I have tried. I tried Boys to Men, Big Brother, I've tried to hire men to help, I tried to find a man to love me and be a dad to them with no success. I've tried everything. I'm afraid part of the trouble in our society is that men don't often show up and the ones that do are there for their families alone. I watch my son with his friends and their dads and wonder how he feels, if he feels like maybe he wasn't good enough to have a man there for him. I hope not. My son is an incredible young man and I know he will get through this period but I hurt for him so much. He has been drinking, causing conflicts at school, got caught shoplifting last week and 'borrowed' a friends car without permission. All this within one year. He has had some counseling without much apparent benefit. He and I will persist, his sisters and I are stable, loving people for him but it must be a deep loss for him not to have a man who could have fathered him. I wish we could order men on the net, good ones that is! Thank you for your time.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Becky,
First, please know that I can easily argue that in your case, much more damage might have been done to your son by NOT divorcing his father. So as painful as this might be, understand that your son's issues could have been much worse had you stayed in that marriage.
That said, it is still important to keep trying get this young man a male role model. Perhaps call his school to see if they have a mentoring program there. Also try the local police department. Some of those offer mentors for kids who have had some legal scrapes. And try researching the web for local mentoring programs. Be sure that he sees a male counselor with whom he "clicks."
Beyond that, also understand that having a loving, grown-up (versus just adult) mom can do wonders for boys without dads. Watching you persevere through these difficult times with patience, understanding and love for him can get done what needs to be done to help him to understand what it really means to be a man. And that is to become those things that he sees in his mom everyday.
Take care.