helpless

[teencrazy]

It's 4 AM and I've been up for an hour already. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep worrying about my almost 16 year old son. He's been making one bad choice after another lately and now we are overwhelmed with what we now have to deal with now. Since we are at a loss, we do nothing....other than talk to our son. I don't know what else we can do to get through to him that he is heading in the wrong direction.

I wrote you about our concern about his pot usage. He was caught by us back in March (I believe) and after incident things improved and he seemed then to be on the right track. You did tell me not to be surprised if he slips. Well, he did.

The police found his backpack in the park with his prescription pain medication (he has a broken nose from playing soccer) and along with that they found a pot pipe. He will be charged. Our son also tested positive for pot. Next, within a week or two...my son was asked to be a witness to a fight that caused a 15 yr old to be life flighted for a brain injury, nice, huh? The detective was to meet at our home to hear our son's account of what had happened. After that fight, but before the officer came to our home...our son found himself involved in a fight himself. *Before I go on....our son has never been in trouble before. He's a good kid and well liked by many, including adults. He's also NOT a violent person. He will however, the first to help out someone in need. This time, however, as he was defending a new friend....he took it to another level and pulled out a boy scout army knife telling the huge kid who was punching another half his size to back off. My son only showed it to him ...never showing the blade. The detective that was working on this case called me yesterday to tell me that my son was charged with a misdemeanor --assault with malace (I believe that is what it is).

This whole thing seemed to start since he broke his nose. Soccer has been a good thing to keep him busy and fit. I know, however, his school will be notified about all this "stuff" and that will mean they will take away soccer time and his name will be mud at the school. He never had a history before but it doesn't seem to matter. I understand that that is the least of our problems but...

As far as what the atmosphere at home is....it's calm. We don't yell. My husband avoids enforcing consequences, however. We can't ground him...he takes off. The only thing we can do, as far as we know, is take his new phone away. I know we must do that to have an impact on him to show him that we mean business, but ....it's been a lifeline for us...knowing where he is ...at least some of the time.

These last few weeks have been very difficult...and I know we can deal with it but....are we off base here as parents? Should we seek family counseling to help deal with him or should I say....help him?

Thank you. I hope to hear from you soon. **On a another note....do you do teacher in-service for depression? I know you would be so awesome.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
First please know that your 4AM musings are something that most of us parents of teenagers know only too well. If there is any comfort, know that there are lots of other kitchen lights on at 4AM in the homes with teenagers. You have lots of company.
Next, RUN, do not walk, to family counseling. Your kid is possibly showing an escalating pattern of poor judgment and impulsive behavior that must be quickly and carefully examined. You can sell it to him in saying that his court appearance will go much better if the judge hears that the family is getting help.
And congratulations on your son's arrest! No, I'm not being cruel. The fact is that this event might throw cold water in his face, perhaps getting him to a mirror to ask himself, "What's up with me?" The Court is likely to make counseling and drug testing mandatory, and this might give your son the break from the craziness he needs to get better. While this looks awful to you now, years hence you might be looking back and saying, "Thank God he got arrested!" That's because as a juvenile charged with a minor offense, he'll likely get an imposed therapeutic structure to help him to control himself in a way that can become habit forming. And he'll have no record as an adult.
So please make some coffee, wipe your tears, and look at the positive side of these events. Your son needs your strength now more than ever.
Keep us posted.

[teencrazy]

Okay...I pressed the issue ....gave him a choice...either finish the back lawn or go to the beach (he goes everyday ...all day). If he chooses the beach without cutting the lawn...his phone gets turned off and computer privileges are taken away. He hung around the house after I had that discussion with him. I actually thought he might choose doing the lawn....instead...he checked his backpack only to discover I took his cigarettes out of it. He had a fit ....screaming in my ear and swearing at me. It was scary. I told him that if he continued, I would call the police. I did. He had a fit and swore more, taking the liquor out of our cabinets. He said he hated me and took a swig out of a beer can telling me it didn't matter what he does now.

I did not want this, obviously. Did I mess up? I've been waiting for a drug counselor to call me and it is difficult to wait. My son claims he's not coming home. I am so sad and feel so low. I feel like a terrible mom, yet....I don't think I did anything wrong...... or did I? No yelling on my part....and I try and tell him I love him. I don't think he believes me. I feel so embarrassed and stupid. I thought I was a good mom.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Don't look to your child for a judgment as to whether or not you are a good mom. That is your question to ponder, and you'll find that answer in your heart, not in your son's behavior. You must continue to set reasonable limits and then enforce them reasonably. I would however, pick my battles until you guys get into treatment. So let things that won't kill him quick (like cigarettes) slide for now, and focus only on the things that can (like booze and violence).
Hang in there, mom. These are dark days, but the sun will come up again. Keep us posted.

[teencrazy]

Dear Dr. Bradley -

My husband and I both know what we are supposed to do as parents. We know to keep the expectations and consequences simple with our son. We know to remind our 16 year old son that we love him. We know all that. My husband and I have read your book "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy", and refer to it for reinforcement and have been since this last spring. Unfortunately, our son is (I believe) a full blown drug addict, which makes parenting him in the normal way a parent would parent - rather difficult. He wants his cell phone turned back on very badly. Not bad enough to agree to the very simple things we ask of him. Is there anything at all we can do? We haven't taken away the computer (but will now) because I've had assess to his IM's and because I do -- I know he is up to his eye balls in illegal substances. *Hard to tell by his behavior here at home but he seems to have backed off a little more from cocaine and Ecstasy. If he has....could some of this bad behavior now be from out of habit?

Our once happy-go-lucky, seemingly well-adjusted son, has turned into someone we don't know anymore. We are desperate and waiting for the paperwork and a court date. The court will to help us to get him to agree to a drug assessment and everything else that comes with it. In the meantime, no one knows where the paperwork is. The juvenile courts are so backed up in our county, I am told it can take anywhere from one to four months! So ...while we wait....he continues to get into trouble (recently burglarized a friend of ours home) and now is suspended from school for 3 days. He now has a laundry list of offences.

I am told to focus on myself and to trust in God and not worry about him as I have been. Easy for others to say. I am trying ... but it ain't easy.

Any thoughts would surely be appreciated.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

A worried mom