angry son sneaks out

[upsetmom]

I have 3 kids female17,male 14 and male 10.I have read your book and my husband has read the first 3 chapters. My 14 year old has told me that he hates me, his Dad and his little brother. He feels that I favor his little brother and he always gets in trouble and his brother does not. I have started saying that if little bother tattles they are both in trouble and said that they have to earn time with friends by getting along. This seems to be helping. He also feels that he is the least loved child. I have also been taking him to a counselor which he hates because he feels like it is a waste of time. A couple of nights ago he snuck out to go see a girl that he likes. I was waiting for him when he got home and we talked for a long time. I talked about trust and told him that I wanted him to think about it and that I would have to think about a consequence. I felt like we were able to talk a lot and that this was very helpful for me to understand what is going on in his head. I was though very upset by the fact that he did not seem to be remorseful about sneaking out. It seemed to be worth it for him to go see his girlfriend. The next day I told his father about it and he is very upset and thinks that he definetly should not be able to get away with this especially since he did not seem to be remorseful. My husband told him that he was very disappointed in him and that he broke our trust. He also said "I bet that you thought that you were really cool." We told him that he will be grounded from the computer, from seeing his girlfriend, and from skate boarding for 3 days. The statement about thinking you are really cool and the grounding has really made my son angry. Especially at his father. He thinks that the consequence is too severe because we took away everything that he loves.I am afraid that this is going to make him want to rebel even more. When I told my husband about how angry his son is he said "Who cares how he feels! What about us?" I feel like never telling my husband about any of the troubles that I have with the kids because it only seems to make my problems worse. Should we take back some of the consequences?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Yes, the consequences are a bit high, and worse, may be pointless. The objective of discipline should be to teach, not to hurt. Otherwise, in this instance, you are "teaching" that there is a fine you can pay (grounding) that somehow restores broken trust. That's a bad lesson. You'd do better by asking your son, "How can we restore the trust between us so that I can rely on what you say as being the truth?" And add, "I hate feeling so distant from you that somehow it's OK for you to not be straight up with me. How can we fix that?" There are no easy answers to those queries, and that's exactly the point---to get him to wrestle with the bigger issue here, the one having to do with trust. Ask him to think about how do folks restore trust, and then get back to you with his answers. You might say that in the interim, you will ask him to stay in for a day or two to work on this, not as a "grounding," but as a "time out" to try to think about how to mend the trust. When he makes a good effort, hug and thank him and send him on his way. The best answer sees trust as a stained glass window, the product of thousands of acts of care and respect, something easily shattered and very hard to rebuild.

But your family has an even bigger issue you must attend to quickly, and that is the relationship between father and son. Get those two guys into that counselors office quickly, or you'll have many more trust problems. Your son's complaints are likely about his sensing his dad's anger and rejection. If you don't get these males connected, there will be lots of fireworks to come.

[upsetmom]

Thank you for your reply! I agree that my husband needs to work on his relationship with his son. The counselor has suggested that they do something together that they can both enjoy. When I told my husband this he says that his son wants nothing to do with him so why should he bother. How can I convince him that he needs to be the one to work on the relationship and not wait for his son? Should I just try to let the counselor do this?

Also I am trying really hard to work on my relationship with my son but it is very hard because he is a highly sensitive child that regards any wrinkle in your forehead or slight impatience in your voice as anger.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Ambush your stubborn males with two tickets for some event that they might both enjoy (concert, ball game and so on). When they roll their eyes, tell them that their going to the event together is their birthday present to you. If they continue to balk, ask what they're afraid of. When they say "Nothing" reply, "Great. Then go and waste a few hours for me, and I'll stop bugging you."
With your sensitive son, try "forecasting." It works like this: "Son, I need to talk to you about something but I worry that you'll hear it as a put down and get upset and storm away. What can I do to get you to stay and talk this thing out?" This might disarm his reaction long enough to get you guys to the next level of communicating.
Good luck and keep us posted.

[upsetmom]

Dr. Bradley,

Because of my son’s anger and hatred towards me, his father and his little brother and because of his low self esteem I asked my son if he was depressed and if he ever thought about killing himself. He said no but he thought about killing other people. He wouldn’t say who but I am sure that it is those of us that he hates. I don’t feel that my life is in danger but this makes me wonder if I should take him to a psychiatrist and not just the counselor.

Another thing that has me concerned is that he has a lot of anxiety/worry. When his anxiety is triggered he freaks out. He was not going to be able to see his girlfriend for 3 days and he was extremely concerned that things would not be the same between them when he sees her again. He was begging me last night to not have to go to one of his commitments today so it would only be 2 days that he would not see her. His Dad said that he felt like he made the commitment so he should go. (This only makes my son hate his Dad even more because he does not try to understand his feelings.) After his Dad went to bed we stayed up and talked for a couple of hours. He desperately wanted me to understand his feelings of how important this was to him. He said that he wanted to punch the mirror in the bathroom when his Dad said that he should go but didn’t because he knew that would only make things worse. While standing their in his t-shirt and boxers however he start tearing up his boxers. He was telling me how he hated himself and that he should burn in hell. Since he was so upset and this seems so important to him I said that he didn’t have to go. Am I being manipulated? I don’t think so but have my doubts. Also I asked him again if he was depressed and he said no just extreme anger problems and extreme worry.

I should also tell you that he is not doing drugs or having sex. He has gotten good grades until the end of last year then they dropped a little. I don’t think that he is caring as much anymore.

I know that I am not supposed to take this personally so I am trying not to. But the thing that is even harder is to not feel tremendous guilt for screwing up my son that I love so much!!

Thank you so much for your help!

[upsetmom]

Dr. Bradley,
Since my last posting my son was started on meds for anxiety and depression.This has helped him a lot he says that he is not stressed out all of the time and the anger does not burn inside of him all of the time.School has gotten off to a positive start and he is making friends when he thought that everybody would hate him.
Yesterday I got a call from a grocery store telling me that he was caught shoplifting. I told my son that I was sad and disappointed but that I still loved him. He started saying things like "See I told you I was a terrible kid. Now won't you believe me. I never do anything right. All I do is cause the family problems.I hate my life. I wish I were dead." He kept going on and on being negative no matter how much I told him that he needs to be positive and learn from bad decision. Finally I yelled at him to stop being negative and he started trying even though it is hard for him. I haven't quite decided what to do about it except to make him pay the $200 fine and write an apology letter. I think that he is truly remorseful. In his apology letter he said that he regrets it and will never do it again. Is this a good enough discipline? My husband is out of town and I think that when he finds out he won't think that it is enough.
My son has seen a psychologist 3 times. The last time he was very encouraged because he got off to such a good start at school. I am not sure that I like him though. I want someone who will help him change his negative way of thinking and talking. I am trying at home but I don't think that is good enough. The psychologist has not mentioned anything about seeing me and my husband. I don't think that this is just my son's problem its also a parenting problem. I know that the psychologist is starting with his anger problem first because that is what is presenting itself first. How do I know if my son is getting the help that he needs?

Thanks for your help,
Upsetmom

[Mike Bradley]

It sounds as if you have all the pieces in place to help your child. So now comes the hard part---waiting. There is no way to know that you have everything he needs, but for now it's likely as good as it gets. Let the counselor develop a relationship with your son and then see how things go.
Regarding the shoplifting, for a first offense I'd let the natural consequences (apology, restitution, shame) take care of that. For now, your relationship with him is more important.
Hang in there.

[Teen Agita]

Hang in there, Upset Mom. My son saw a psychologist for a couple of years and it takes a while. Your son has to change himself and the counselor is only there to help him sort things out. Rarely will he be told what to do. One session, they just went out for pizza. My son stopped going this year because, as he said, he felt less "angsty." I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up going back again in a few months, but at this point, its his call.

We changed psychologists at one point because the first one just didn't seem to be talking about the same child we knew so well. Have a session with the counselor and talk about what you should expect. If the psychologist doesn't seem to get your kid, move on. We found someone who specializes in adolescent boys and he's worked out great.

Originally, I thought the psychologist would "fix" him, but that just doesn't happen. If you haven't read it, read Raising Cain. It helped me see how boys may need ongoing emotional support and gave me more realistic view of what therapy can do. It might help you with your husband too.