School problems

[Teen Agita]

My son is 15 and just started his sophomore year in high school. He is quite bright and devoted to learning but he believes school is irrelevant. He will only do well in classes where he is interested or respects the teacher. In the other classes, he will work to a just barely passing grade. Telling him he needs to do well in order to get into college and gain the career he wants only prompted him to say that, in that case, he won't go to college. Any ideas on how to make him believe high school is worth the effort?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
Start by pointing out to your son that he is wrong in thinking that school is irrelevant and boring. Actually, it's boring and irrelevant---from the vantage point of a 10th grader. So stop trying to motivate him on your terms and try talking about his own.
Teens move through four stages of development in their adolescence, the last of which is industry (meaning the ability to work hard for long term payoffs with short term denial). Until he gets to that stage (which will come) try to give him a temporary motivational system to get him through these "irrelevant" school years.
Ask what he wants from life, and then see if those goals (freedom, money, whatever) leads back to doing well in 10th grade. Let him see that doing well in high school is a "tryout" to get into the next league (college) which is a "tryout" for the next league (a cool job or graduate school, and so on). If he continues to say that he'll just forget about college, just sidestep that. He knows better than you that he must go to college. Offer incentives for doing well based on weekly teacher "pay sheets" (reports of his performance).
Beyond all else, don't go to war over grades. Your son has already shown some innate love of learning for learning's sake, so don't shoot that fledgling passion full of holes with punishments for mediocre grades. Say what I said to my own brilliant underachiever for years: "Son, you make me crazy with your grades, and I love and respect who you are as a wonderful young man."
After gritting my teeth for semester after semester, his industry stage finally landed like the Marines on a beach. He now pushes himself harder than I would ever have.
Be well.

[Teen Agita]

Thanks for the support. I guess we need to wait for the industry stage to refocus - he is already quite industrious with his computer and electronics but not with school. He plays some video games, but not too excess. He mostly spends time programing and building things. Once these pursuits are done, maybe he'll get to his homework. His problem with homework is that it takes up too much time.

He goes to a very large, very crowded NY City public school populated mostly by overachievers so teacher cooperation is not assured. That said, what cooperation should we be asking for? We tried the weekly "pay sheets" a couple of years ago and he decided the reward (his allowance) was not worth the effort. He lies about homework and forcing him to do it just sets up battles in which he is willing to lose all before he'll do the work. He will not cede us that much control. (This logic is truly crazy and until I read your book, I couldn't make sense of it.)

What he wants is to pursue his own interests and learn on his own, which would allow him to dig deeper without taking tests and doing tedious homework. We seriously researched homeschooling, but chickened out, largely due to a concern that he would never come out of his room.

With the exception of his horrible school performance and his unbelievably messy room, he is a good kid with strong values and a small circle of good friends. We admire his intellect but are deeply frustrated by his approach to school. He wants a new laptop but we've told him we aren't open to the discussion until we see some improvement in school. Is this the right approach?

[Mike Bradley]

If he was not motivated by the "pay sheets" before, it was because the incentive he could earn was not really important enough to him. So switch incentives. If what he really wants is a new computer, suggest a contract where he can earn the dollars or points to get it by doing well with teacher "pay sheets" from school. But again, count your blessings with your wonderful son, and limit the relationship damage caused by grades.
Good luck!

[scaredmomma]

I wrote to you last year regarding this issue. My son started senior high this year. He was skipping alot of school last year. Between the school principal and us we got him back on track. Well, this year he is in a new school. None of his friends are in his classes. He had lower grades because of skipping so much last year. Therefore, he is in lower level classes. He keeps skipping school. No matter what I say, he does what he wants. Finally, we took away his video games and put a password on the computer so he can't get in. Basically he has nothing now. I have an appointment tomorrow to bring him to the the psychologist he has been seeing on and off since he was 8. He is 15 now. He has ADD and does take Adderal for it. He only started final semester last year but it really helped. I told him even though school is boring, he still has to go. The guidance councellor at the school has talked to him as well. They told him if he didn't start going to school they would take us to court for truancy. I am at my wits end. Last week he didn't go to soccer practise and called in sick to work as well. He has since quit his job. We had to put our cat down on the weekend. I know this was hard on him but skipping has been going on since the start of the school year. Long before the cat was sick. He doesn't adjust to change well. He wants to take his courses online because "school is so boring". By the way, he only has one core course - science. The rest are construction, phys ed and religion. I have no idea what to do. Please give me some advice. I am getting physically sick myself due to stress.