Dealing with Poor Choices

[chlehew]

I have a great teenage girl. But she has made what I consider to be a really bad choice in boyfriends. I think she sticks with him mostly because she thinks that she can save him, but I am worried that he is emotionally manipulative and she won't talk about him with me.
He isn't in school, has no job, (he has a trust fund) uses marijuana and alcohol daily. I am having a difficult time with this choice for several reasons beyond the obvious. She won't talk to me about this relationship because she knows I am not comfortable with him. She doesn't know how much I really CAN'T STAND him. I am worried that he will derail her college education and her part-time job by encouraging her to quit both and take up his lazy lifestyle. I do think that eventually she will turn around but until then, I can't eat or sleep very well. I worry all the time. I don't want to say the wrong thing and drive her closer to him or away from me. So though I expressed my concerns with this relationship, I refrain from expressing the true extent of my distress. I know where this relationship is most likely headed but I am worried about the personal damage she might incur along the way. She thinks I just don't understand him or their relationship.
How do you deal with poor choices, especially when you can see where this is headed?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear parent,

As the father of a 6-year-old daughter, I must tell you that your letter just ruined my day. I pictured myself going nuts over being confronted with this same scenario, thinking up all of these "great" things to do to rescue my little girl from that loser.
As the psychologist who has seen this teen movie a hundred times, I know that all of my "great" father ideas would be disasters, and that things will likely turn out just fine if we can all keep our cool when our kids face these situations.

Assuming your daughter is older (16,17,18), the key here is to play for the end of the game, not for this inning. You want your daughter to learn for herself about the insanity of poor relationship choices so that she is then protected for life against making the same mistakes over and over. As you noted, the more you push against "Mr. Wonderful", the more you push your daughter into his arms. Forbidding the relationship entirely will at best only leave the lesson unlearned, and set up your daughter to find another boy to R&R (rescue and rehab). At worst, she might run off with him.

Try getting subtle. When she says that you don't understand him or their relationship, tell her she's right and ask her to explain these things to you. DON'T JUDGE OR EVEN COMMENT ON WHAT SHE SAYS or she'll shut up. Just get her to hear herself talk a bit. After she's done for the moment, thank her for sharing with you, even if you disagree with her views. Then inject small, quiet, self-effacing thoughts like, "I know I might be wrong, but I just worry that maybe you're rescuing this boy, and when I tried that trick myself I got burned. But, you're right when you say that your guy and my guy are not the same person. I guess these are things that you have to decide for yourself."

Finally, invite, yes INVITE this boy to as many family functions as you can. Also encourage her to take him to group outings with her friends. These "light of day" comparisons with better boys can help her to see "Mr. Wonderful" in a more realistic light.

Hang in there, dear parent, and please keep us posted. There are hundreds of parents of daughters out there that won't sleep as well until they hear the end of your story.

Good luck,
Mike Bradley

[chlehew]

Thanks for your reassurance! That was exactly the approach I have taken. I decided it was better to know where she was and who she was with than to give her an opportunity to lie and sneak to see him. I told her "Who was I to say that she was not the agent of change for him?" I support her decision to work on her relationship, but I do not approve of certain lifestyle habits he has. And I listed the specific habits and why they concerned me. I also specified the family occasions that she would be required to attend with or without him, and strongly encouraged her to invite him (much to my husband's dismay). I even gave her a "coupon" for a dinner with the family to use when she wanted to invite him to dinner. I want to keep the lines of communication open so that when this relationship fails, as I really think it will, she will come back to me. Or, if I am wrong and she is the agent of change for this young man, then I won't have to eat so much crow.

[chris5257]

Dear Mom,

You are very wise and your wisdom inspires me. At present, I am the parent of three teens ages 19, 17, (boys) and 13 (girl). Among some good choices, they have made poor choice after poor choice. I find it so hard to react to situations without letting my emotions take over. Why is it that I feel responsible for every choice they make?

Thank you, Dr. Bradley, for this forum. It is a real source of strength and reassurance to me. Parents like the one in this post give me strength to react effectively to situations instead of letting my worry and emotion take over. I often find it difficult to talk to my friends about my kid's shortcomings, but this forum is a place where we and they (our kids) are not judged. I am inspired that the people who write in, all do it from the perspective of loving their kids and just wanting to figure out what the right thing to do is.

Hang in there Mom.

Sincerely,
Christie Emerson

[chlehew]

Now I am not so sure that I made the right decision. And I do that alot. Second guessing my decisions.
She found out that her boyfriend was calling aonther girl. She found out when the girl showed her the cell phone calls received list and text messages she had received from him inviting her over. Of course she confronted him but he had lame-o excuses. "He enjoyed having the attention of two girls at once." "He didn't think it would hurt her that much." UGHHH!
And she FORGAVE him. UGGHHH!!!!
She doesn't want me to be mad at him but I told her that it was my JOB to protect and defend her. Its what I get paid the big bucks for. So I could be mad at him as long as I wanted. But I would not be overtly rude. She says that she is the best girlfriend he has ever had. Duhhh. My negative comments "hurt her feelings" so she decided she won't discuss her relationship issues with me anymore.
He will cheat on her, lie to her again, manipulate the truth again.
How can I help her to see the truth. The real him. She thinks she sees the real him but she doesn't. She needs to be with someone better. I am so frustrated and blame myself for giving her tacit approval to see him.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Welcome to the world of parenting adolescents, also known as the land of eternal second guessing. That said, exactly what was your option to allowing her to date this guy? Again, I'm assuming that this is an older teen who would be likely to sneak out to see this boy anyway, a boy who would be 10x as attractive once he would be the "forbidden love." Remember that that is how 17-year-olds end up running away and having babies with jerks.
As I recall, you never approved of this boy. You simply allowed your daughter to decide about dating him, which in turn gave you the access to her brain to try and get her to think realistically about him. And by the way, so far you're looking pretty smart for having calmly expressed doubts about him.
You were right. The guy is a jerk, and now he's manipulated her into forgiving him. As tough as that is to watch, what exactly is the loss here? She's on a painful yet critical learning curve about men and relationships. This guy has about a 110% chance of cheating on your daughter again, and very soon. And the odds are about as high that she will be much less understanding with his second need for "the attention of 2 girls". And she will be the much wiser for that. Remember that these are critical lessons she needs to learn with boyfriends, not with husbands who are the fathers of your grandkids.
Buck up, Mom. In parenting teens, the best path is rarely the easy path. Hang in there with your original plan. Keep laying in small, quiet thoughts for your daughter to mull over, i.e. "Gee, that's so nice of you to forgive him. I wonder if he would be as understanding if you "needed the attention" of 2 boys?" BEYOND ALL ELSE keep your line of communication open to your kid by avoiding being too judgmental. Otherwise you lose any chance to help her through this critical learning time.
Keep us posted.

[chlehew]

Thanks for your feed back. Yes she is an older teen, 18. I know this is the best course of action, its just very difficult/frustrating/ etc.

What you don't know is the most frustrating factor in the whole scenario. And that is another young man, not perfect but potentially very good for her. Strong where she is weak, weak where she is strong. At one time totally smitten with her. In fact she was distracted from poor choice for about 3 days by better choice. Broke up with poor choice for 3 whole days. But went back because he "needed" her.

I'm sure better choice has no chance in H.... because I liked him. The obvious kiss of death. But I am mourning that lost opportunity along with worrying about the situation with poor choice. That's what is keeping me so frustrated. Watching the better choice slip away. And I am very concerned that she might develop a habit of making poor choices in men. Forever trying to save the stray puppies of the world instead of chosing what is good for her.

[chlehew]

Well I am glad you hadn't read the previous post. At least I assume you didn't. Today was a very bad day. I lost it. I had been holding back how I really felt about several things that were leading toward her dropping out of college.

It started last week with BLACK hair. Which I ignored. One upper ear piercing, then a few days later another. Which I overlooked. Even though she looked like ****. But then she started talking about Beauty School. Which would be fine if she was a below average student who liked working with people. But she is looking for an "easier" job. She was majoring in education. She has scholarships to pay for college - she doesn't qualify for financial aid. She will have to work to pay for beauty school - which I pointed out to her. If she moves back home, she will have to follow the house rules - ditto.
Then she rolled her eyes and started to walk away. I just let loose. I pushed her back then grabbed her arm when she tried to leave again and she fell down. She "couldn't believe I did that to her" She left with her "boyfriend". I don't know if she'll ever talk to me again. It was the worst fight ever. I don't know what I'll say to her. I am so sorry I lost my temper.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Re-read all my notes to you, particularly the 10/29 one. That applies now more than ever. Yes, you lost it and should not have. Welcome to the club. Parenting is like baseball: performance is measured in averages, not perfection. If you mostly don't "strike out" as a parent, you're doing fine. All of those prior years of a loving relationship with your kid did not evaporate in that one fight. All of the values you modeled for your child did not storm away from her as she stormed away from you. The bond between you and your child can easily survive this one fight. So stop beating yourself up and get back in the game---NOW.
Get a message to your daughter. Use a telegram if she won't answer your calls. Aplogize unconditionally. Put it all on you. Let her know that she is welcome home at any time, with reasonable rules. At 18 she likely feels that she is a full adult, and in fact she may need some loosening of your prior rules. Consult with a shrink to see.
Most of all, stop panicking!!! Hair color changes in 5 minutes, and ear holes heal in a week. And if she drops college to go to a beauty college for a year, that might be the most therapeutic year of her life. Jobs/experiences like that can be defining moments where we learn who we are, and who we are not.
REMEMBER, the gold here is your connection to her. As you've seen, getting "tough" can sever that bond and put her more in the arms of "Mr. Wonderful." Re-read the book, get your frosty (calmness) back, dig in, and wait. Time is definitely on your side.
Keep us posted.
Attention other parents who have been down this path: please comment.

[chlehew]

I did write her a letter of apology. I left a message on the "boyfriend's" cell phone for her to let me know if she wants it and how she wants to get it. I can't take it to her until I get off work but I can get someone else to deliver it, if she will let me know where.

I did contact my psychiatrist and set up an appointment for tomorrow for me. Maybe we both should go. I just feel like an ***** loser for losing my temper and for touching her like that. But I do not feel like a loser for my opinion that she doesn't have the luxury of leaving college just because she doesn't feel like going. These scholarships won't be there later. Financial aid won't be available until she is 24.

[chlehew]

Well, after leaving 3 messages on "boyfriend's" cell phone, an email message, calling her college roommate, and another friend at college she finally picked up the letter that I had left taped to the front door.
I called her friends to let them know what had happened and in case they heard from her, to ask her to pick up the letter. I was very honest with them that I had lost it and the fight had gone very badly. I also told them that I was wrong to lose my temper that way and I was very sorry.
I didn't want him to be the only source of support for her. I still see him as the enemy. That's what I am going to work on tomorrow. I don't know when I will hear from her. The way my luck is going, she will probably try to call when I am running an errand or something. But I am glad she at least has my apology.

[MLL]

I won't even say "I hope your daughter knows how lucky she is to have you for a parent" because I am sure she does. I am also sure all the friends of hers that you've been talking to know it too ( you may be raising the parenting bar in several houses, good job !!!! ) I left a long long post yesterday on our 14 yr old son, and his dealing with depression, and now drugs. I too am trying to convey to him, that the goal is to get him safely to his 20's. I am also trying to find the right line where I can say, my husband and I are honestly taking every step we can to step in where his judgement is BAD, and steping back when we feel we can safely let him try again. I also am in counciling and it is helping greatly. I'm trying to give my son all the help he needs from me, and that it is my responsibility to give him. But I'm also concious that I sometimes begin to loose myself to these problems. I'm not just saying that because I feel resentful, Frankly I think it does him no good when I obsess about these issues. But when we have a family session once every 2 weeks, and he is starting to have weekly sessions plus a med check every 3 weeks it is hard not to feel like this is the focus of our lives. Today the Dr, suggested we look into the intensive outpatient pgm that he was in before which was 3 afternoons a week. This will mean I will have to alter my work schedule ( where they are very understanding thank god) I guess I'm asking how important is it to act calm and natural when the lives of all of us in the family are being so affected????

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I can't tell you which of us could act completely calm and natural in your situation, but I can tell you this: The more you can stay calm, even as your kid puts you through this wringer, the more he will love and respect you. Teens are crazy, not stupid. They know very well how taxing they can be on the family, and they DO appreciate the efforts we make for them. The fact that they don't say this does not mean they don't think it. They tell me this all the time, even when they act as if they could care less about your pain.
So hang there and suffer as silently as you can. Beyond getting more of your son's respect, you'll also serve as a crucial model of inspiration for him as he fights through his problem. Your quiet example might get him to think, "Well, if Mom can be that tough, maybe I can too."
Hang in there, and please keep us all posted.
Mike Bradley

[chlehew]

My daughter has not responded to my letter of appology for two weeks. She has been living with her boyfriend and his dad. I have been communicating with the dad's girlfriend to let the dad and his girlfriend know that she wasn't kicked out, she left on her own and I want her back or at least to talk to her.

My daughter has been trying to play the victim of a huge conspiracy to deny her happiness. The boy's family loves her and is hoping that she will get him to go back to school or on to work. This is the boyfriend who smokes pot, drinks, doesn't have a real job and doesn't go to school. She has continued to go to school but is not planning to return in the spring. She quit her tutoring job because her boss would not excuse two of her six absences over the last two weeks.