changing school

[elab]

Dear Dr Bradley,
Firstly, sorry for my English, haven't used it for a while, and thank you very much for 'Yes, Your Teens Is Crazy!' which helped me realize that probably I'm not.
The problems I have with my teenage daughter, (14) made me decide to change school. I’ve been talking to psychologists, kind of school advisors and mostly to lots of teenagers’ parents who helped me realize my daughter really IS influenced much too much by her schoolmates (she’s just started kind of junior high) and the evil actually is not the mates but their parents who simply don’t care. The teens are given too much freedom and no limits or attention which results in smoking, drinking and shoplifting, to mention the ones I’m aware of. I do feel I have to take her out of that surrounding to help both of us survive the teenage period. As we live in Poland, and our education system is much different, the only school to accept her (with grades something like F – is that the worst? – in 9 out of 13 subjects) would be a private catholic one. However, I just can’t convince her. It must be her will to change school or she will not be accepted by the board. We’ve been talking about it really a lot for a few weeks, trying to discuss her future, I’ve been trying to bribe her or scare her – whatever, it doesn’t help. And I do feel staying in the school she’s attending will cause more serious problems. I do realize how stressful it is to start a new school in the middle of the school year, something like changing jobs? I don’t want her to close down all the friendships she’s made there, I just hope she’ll meet new friends, the ones who care about anything and don’t see their future in jail or in the street, the ones who are just a bit more optimistic.
What line of reasoning shall I take? What should I do to convince her, to make her realize I’m trying to help, not punish? And HOW should I talk to her?
Hope to receive some advice from you or other parents with similar experiences,
Thanks,
Ela

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Ela,
First, please don't apologize. I'm afraid that your English is better than mine. Bi-lingual folks like you always make me feel inadequate, a feeling also known well to parents of teenagers dealing with problems such as yours. Not being familiar with your school systems, I hesitate to offer suggestions to you, but I'll pose a few thoughts.
Here in America most of our schools have bad kids and good kids whether those schools be public or private, and those kids have both kinds of parents as well. It seems that teens can get into trouble regardless of where they attend school. In that light, before trying to force your daughter into Catholic school (where she can just fail out even if she gets accepted) perhaps offer her a deal where she earns the right to choose her school by improving her behavior in measurable ways. Perhaps meet with her teachers to set up a system where they rate her weekly on reports sent to you which you combine with her home behavior goals (no drinking, smoking, and so on). Sweeten the deal by also offering her rewards she can earn by her positive behaviors. But be clear that if she is unable to perform reasonably well, then she is sending everyone a clear message that she is in a school and social group that is hurting her. Tell her that you love her far too much to stand by and let her life take a terrible turn. The odds are that she knows that she is going over the edge and that she needs this sort of structure to get her back on track.
Good luck and please keep us posted.