Small disobediences

[betha]

I am having problems getting my kids to obey me. I'm not sure where the problems lies because this simple problem seems to be like a thick forest that I can't see in. What I'm about to share may seem small compared to folks here that have "Big" rebellious issues with their kids. My main concerns is getting our kids to help me around the house. I just can't seem to get them to do anything. I think the problems must lie in my follow- through after my ultamadum. I feel I'm angry at my kids all the time. After that, I feel guilty. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about. It happens every night. My daughter is 11, her bedtime is 9. She never turnes the light out at that time. She goes into her bedroom and does a 1000 different things. None of which are getting ready for bed. When I go in I tell her, "Go brush your teeth." Five minutes go by and I go in to see if she is doing that. No she is sitting on her bed doing something else. This goes on and on. Finally I loose my temper, she either start crying or gets mad at me. Then I for sure get mad. She does this with everything. She goes to bed either crying, angry or mad. I often times go to bed the same way. If I spank her then nothing changes. If I take a privelage away she still doesn't do what I've asked her to. If I restict her she still doesn't comply. If I scream and yell it's all the same. Is that Rebellion. Yes. I can't get her to do anything. My husband can't get her to do anything either. I'm so frustrated that I can't see my way out of this mess. Help, Betha

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Betha,
First, turn your question around to try and understand it from your kids' perspective: Why SHOULD they do chores and go to bed on time? That's stupid and boring, right? As an adult you understand things like chores and bedtimes, but kids don't. That's why punishments and spankings don't work. They only make kids angry and confused and less inclined to be cooperative and to help out (see the book re: rules and regulations).
Instead, go to a reward system (the book explains this in detail). Bargain with your kids so that they can earn things by doing chores and cooperating with bedtimes. In time, the rewards will not even be necessary since your kids will feel better when they cooperate. This is how you "trick" them into learning the real reasons about why they should cooperate.
Let us know how this works out.