Sarah2
06-01-2008, 11:07 PM
My son is graduating from high school in a couple of weeks. He is an extremely bright kid and has been very successful in so many areas of his life since a very young age. He plans to attend an excellent college in the fall to pursue his academic goals. Two years ago, he fell head-over-heels in love with a girl, who is also graduating with him and who he has been seriously involved with. They’ve been basically joined at the hip throughout the last two years and he has lost much of who he used to be (interests/passions), and pretty much makes her the center of his world 24/7. They decided a year ago, that they would either attend the same college or separate colleges close by and rent an apartment together as they attend school. Needless to say, my husband and I were against this, knowing that teens (he’s 18, she’s 17) are not ready to make this kind of lifestyle work, especially while beginning college on a full-time basis.
Well, they were accepted to colleges next door to each other and have found an apartment about 20 miles away from their schools, which means a commute on a commuter rail daily.
In order to pay for their living arrangement (we, as parents, will not support him financially for this arrangement, but will contribute to his tuition), they will both need to work at least 20 – 25 hours per week each to financially afford this.
I am worried. I believe that 25 hours per week is a bit much as college freshmen and the whole scenario of such incredible responsibility leaves little time to focus on the academic work, which should be the first priority. He has been so stressed lately, trying to pull this whole thing together (she deemed it a necessity to her attending college – refuses to live in a dorm), he has been skipping meals and sleeping little, and his grades currently in high school have suffered. He began taking caffeine in large doses and even “experimented” once to escape the pressure (swears he would never do it again). I asked him that if he feels stressed now, living at home, with no responsibility, how will he deal with the pressure and stress when he puts this plan into motion and has bills to pay and college to attend..?
My husband and I see this as a plan for disaster and as much as we can no longer fight his determination, nor keep him from learning by making mistakes, I do worry for his health and mental well-being. He is so controlled and connected to her (obvious to everyone), if and when things go bad, we’re afraid of what this may do to him. This is also his first girlfriend, so he has little to compare.
He is a very strong-willed and as I’ve said before, very successful young man. He’s received lots of recognition for his work and academic achievements and I believe that he feels that he is a bit above his peers (she’s taken on this attitude also) and that he can truly“do it all”. When he accuses me of not “supporting” him, I told him that I feel he is a very accomplished person for his age, but taking on so much, while he may be able to make some of it work, one or more things (health, schoolwork) will suffer, and in the end all of it will.
He’s been awarded a dean’s scholarship, in which he needs to maintain a decent GPA to receive throughout his 4 years. He has been given a wonderful opportunity to attend an outstanding school, which will enable him to reach the goals he’s dreamed of for so much of his young life. We’ve given him every opportunity, and incentive to live in the dorm to at least get off to a good start and make whatever adjustments and choices he feels are right as time goes on.
But today, the paperwork is signed and he is moving in within 4 weeks (they want to establish themselves and get jobs well before school begins). He feels we should help him financially and has tried to make us feel guilty by blaming us if things get tough or if his health or schoolwork suffer. He has said, “If you help out a bit, since the dorm would actually cost you more, I wouldn’t have to work so many hours.” I told him that we would cover the dorm expense, but that we don’t agree with this arrangement and since he’s decided to live as an adult, he must take the full responsibility as an adult.
We just started seeing a therapist and he has agreed to meet with him, if only for a few sessions before he leaves. I’m not sure how much this will help at this point, but I don’t know what to do. I’m very concerned about his stress management skills and our relationship has been like a roller-coaster ride.
I know that I need to let go and let him learn from his choices, but I worry about his health and mental state if things don't work out, since he's invested so much into this relationship and arrangement. I wonder sometimes if we’ve done all that we could do, and how this is all going to play out. He has always seemed to have excellent common sense and NEVER a worry…I thought we were in the clear…
I would appreciate any insight that you could give me.
Thank you.
Well, they were accepted to colleges next door to each other and have found an apartment about 20 miles away from their schools, which means a commute on a commuter rail daily.
In order to pay for their living arrangement (we, as parents, will not support him financially for this arrangement, but will contribute to his tuition), they will both need to work at least 20 – 25 hours per week each to financially afford this.
I am worried. I believe that 25 hours per week is a bit much as college freshmen and the whole scenario of such incredible responsibility leaves little time to focus on the academic work, which should be the first priority. He has been so stressed lately, trying to pull this whole thing together (she deemed it a necessity to her attending college – refuses to live in a dorm), he has been skipping meals and sleeping little, and his grades currently in high school have suffered. He began taking caffeine in large doses and even “experimented” once to escape the pressure (swears he would never do it again). I asked him that if he feels stressed now, living at home, with no responsibility, how will he deal with the pressure and stress when he puts this plan into motion and has bills to pay and college to attend..?
My husband and I see this as a plan for disaster and as much as we can no longer fight his determination, nor keep him from learning by making mistakes, I do worry for his health and mental well-being. He is so controlled and connected to her (obvious to everyone), if and when things go bad, we’re afraid of what this may do to him. This is also his first girlfriend, so he has little to compare.
He is a very strong-willed and as I’ve said before, very successful young man. He’s received lots of recognition for his work and academic achievements and I believe that he feels that he is a bit above his peers (she’s taken on this attitude also) and that he can truly“do it all”. When he accuses me of not “supporting” him, I told him that I feel he is a very accomplished person for his age, but taking on so much, while he may be able to make some of it work, one or more things (health, schoolwork) will suffer, and in the end all of it will.
He’s been awarded a dean’s scholarship, in which he needs to maintain a decent GPA to receive throughout his 4 years. He has been given a wonderful opportunity to attend an outstanding school, which will enable him to reach the goals he’s dreamed of for so much of his young life. We’ve given him every opportunity, and incentive to live in the dorm to at least get off to a good start and make whatever adjustments and choices he feels are right as time goes on.
But today, the paperwork is signed and he is moving in within 4 weeks (they want to establish themselves and get jobs well before school begins). He feels we should help him financially and has tried to make us feel guilty by blaming us if things get tough or if his health or schoolwork suffer. He has said, “If you help out a bit, since the dorm would actually cost you more, I wouldn’t have to work so many hours.” I told him that we would cover the dorm expense, but that we don’t agree with this arrangement and since he’s decided to live as an adult, he must take the full responsibility as an adult.
We just started seeing a therapist and he has agreed to meet with him, if only for a few sessions before he leaves. I’m not sure how much this will help at this point, but I don’t know what to do. I’m very concerned about his stress management skills and our relationship has been like a roller-coaster ride.
I know that I need to let go and let him learn from his choices, but I worry about his health and mental state if things don't work out, since he's invested so much into this relationship and arrangement. I wonder sometimes if we’ve done all that we could do, and how this is all going to play out. He has always seemed to have excellent common sense and NEVER a worry…I thought we were in the clear…
I would appreciate any insight that you could give me.
Thank you.