I need help

[lisah1058]

I have a 17 yo daughter (she will be 18 in another month) who is first and foremost a wonderful person. She gets good grades, loves her family, and is always trying to help everyone with their problems. She met a boy on a church mission trip the summer she turned 16 and they have been dating for most of that time. He was a senior at the time and she was a sophomore. They did not go to the same school and he lives about 40 mins. from us. He had been having trouble at school and with friends. I'm not clear on all of this but he had been drinking, smoking, and sneaking out which is why his parents sent him on the mission trip. So this history really scared us, and we spent much of our energy on trying to limit the relationship and keeping their visits to only supervised time. He now is in college about 45 mins. from us and we found out that she snuck out to be with him twice at his school, when she was suppose to be at a friends overnight. During this time, she has had a job as a hostess at a local restaurant and started hanging out with other college kids. The one she is closes to happens to be gay. This girl has now become "obsessed" with my daughter. She calls her at all hours of the night. I overheard them on the phone at 3:30 am. My daughter swears that nothing is going on but the portion of the phone call that I heard, I felt that she was not being truthful. My daughter finally admitted to me that they have kissed, but that she isn't attracted to girls. She just feels particularly close to this person. She told her boyfriend all about this, and they are trying to work it out. I now find myself rooting for the boyfriend that I don't really care for. I would like to make her quit this job and get her away from this girl, but I know that this won't work. I am so confused! I love her so much, but she thinks that I am judgmental and prejudiced. She is only a senior in high school. She has always liked boys. We've always teased her about being a flirt. These two issues together have really thrown me for a loop! I suggested counseling but she is adamantly opposed. She says that she is so embarrassed about this girl situation and that it only happened once. I don't know she has been lying about so many things these last few months that I don't know when to believe her and when not to. Any help would be appreciated!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Isn't the adolescent search for identity fun? It can have parents rooting for the strangest of things (such as the boy you don't like).
My guess is that this is all about your daughter trying to figure out who she is. And that is a process best left alone unless you see a clear and present threat to her life, something I don't know that you have here. I would push (perhaps bribe) for a few sessions with a counselor, someone with whom she can sort this stuff out. Perhaps tell her that you'll stop nagging if she'll try a few sessions (you should stop nagging anyway). If you start to forbid her relationships you'll only strengthen them, and it sounds as if she's still a pretty terrific kid.
So tell her your worries ONE TIME, and then shut up and hug her and remind her about how great she is, and how lucky you are to have her as a daughter. The rest will likely fall safely into place a lot faster if you bite your tongue (you should see the scars on mine).
Take care.

[lisah1058]

Thanks for answering me. I have not been doing a very good job on the biting my tongue part. I know I need to let it go and to trust her with the decisions she will ultimately make with her own life. I guess I was just looking forward to this last year of high school with her (i.e. picking out colleges, senior pics., watching her at homecoming and graduation) and I just feel like I'm losing her to this older crowd. We are asking her to spend more time with the family by giving us one day a week to do something together. We are continuing the 12:00 curfew and not letting her to spend the night at these girls' houses. I would also like her to not use her phone after a certain time at night. Is this too much to ask of her? She really is a good kid. She did finally tell me that she isn't confused about herself, and she would tell me if she was. (I have been pushing the counselor idea for us and her together). The situation just makes me sad and worried.

[Oopsie Daisy]

It concerns me that your biggest problem seems to be that your daughter is close to a homosexual girl and there might be a possibility that she is experimenting with a homosexual identity. Is it possible that she has lied to you about a lot of this stuff because she is afraid of your judgment?

I'm just wondering why, as a parent of a "good kid," you would be rooting for a guy you didn't like as an acceptable alternative to your daughter being gay or being friends with a gay person. Would you think your girl was less of a good person if she came out to you as a lesbian? Would you love her less? Somehow I doubt it...well, I hope not, anyway.

I think it's important to remember that your child is almost an adult and you will have to accept that fact above all else. It is difficult to see your kids grow up, right? I know. But I'm thinking that if you've done a good job, as you have and as you believe you have, then at this point you have to have faith that you've instilled in her the right values to be a good person and then sit back and let her find her way...and love her no matter what...

[Vagaran]

With all due respect for your expertise in the counseling field, Oopsie Daisey, you clearly seem to have missed Lisa's and Dr. Bradley's points. The issue was not one of homosexuality, but one of age discrepancy and uncharacteristic behavior from a child she thought she knew and wants to know. Your response for open-mindedness actually seems close-minded, as if you seized upon the first word/idea that grabbed your attention and took it as the issue of the whole. Perhaps you should spend some time practicing listening to the people on here instead of jumping prematurely into the counselor/moderator position.

Lisa, I am very glad that Dr. Bradley commented to you first as he clearly has a better view of the issues on your mind and heart right now. I hope you are encouraged both by the fact that you do have a "good kid" and someone like Dr. Bradley who is willing to offer you the patient wisdom that he has accumulated.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Lisah,
Your rules strike me as reasonable for a high school senior. Things like curfews do act as valuable safety fences around our kids. I especially like that you bargained for some family time as well. Perhaps let your girl pick the agenda for those days.
By the way, did you read that my wife ended up at Ozzfest with my son and his friends that way?
Take care.

[lisah1058]

Thanks for everyone answering me. I have been really struggling with all of this with her. Part of the problem is that she does seem attracted to these older kids and even though she is telling me that she does not drink or anything else all of these kids do. They are all 20 or 21 and when you are just 17 to 18 you are working so hard on figuring out who you are that I feel any extra pressure from these peer groups can influence her. Part of the problem is she goes to a private catholic high school. I am worried for her about rumors and gossip getting back to her school that will make her last year in high school really bad for her. She has a long life to explore who she will be. I don't think this is the summer to do it. We are trying hard to keep her distracted with other things so that she is not constantly out with these kids. I did see a text message from an older guy who works where she works. He texted her that he had been talking to "Jane" her gay friend at work and that Jane wanted him to tell her that "he wishes he hadn't been scared to try more things at a younger age than he did". Now how is that for pressure? Natalie has told me that she has let this "Jane" know that she isn't gay and that she just wants to be her "BFF", but she still continues to pressure her. I'm still so scared for her!

[jackiezee]

Natalie has told me that she has let this "Jane" know that she isn't gay and that she just wants to be her "BFF", but she still continues to pressure her. I'm still so scared for her!

Reading your last line, my thought was, "What's the worst that could happen?" if your daughter allowed herself to have a sexual experience with another female? (I'm straight, btw, 48 and a mom to a teen girl.)

Anyway, just trying to put myself in your daughter's place, I'm thinking that, even if she decided to jump with both feet into a relationship with this woman, and it got very serious and heavy for, say... a couple of months, my honest belief is that they would both come out of it on the other end with 100 percent certainty of (a) your daughter is not gay, and now she can check that off the list for when it comes up again (and her "bff" will also know for sure and back off; or (b) she is, and she can move forward down that path with just as much certainty.

Sounds like your daughter is pretty sure of her sexuality, but she's also probably curious about being with another female. Pretty normal.

Either way, she'll come away from the situation wiser and okay. And at 17 or 18, my guess is she has the mental maturity by now to handle such an experience.

If she were a male, to me, that would be a whole lot scarier due to the physical and biological risks. Correct me if wrong, Dr. Bradley.