Boy crazy

[momba]

My daughter is 13 and is boy crazy, and it is driving me crazy. Whenever she is somewhere where there are boys, she is staring at "hot" guys (with whatever friend she is with) and flirting. At track meets she meets them and gets their screen names, at day camps she stalks them w/her friends... She has "gone out" with boys, but all it has meant is that they talk on the phone or IM. We have not had to deal w/the issue of "dating". The "going out" up to this point has meant talking.

I don't know how to address this, what to say. It feels excessive to me, but I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I know she reacts more positively to me when I speak respectfully, etc, but i do not know what to say to her about this because I just want to extinguish it. I'm fearful that this will just escalate w/age, but part of me thinks that if I get on her about it, then I will make it escalate. When we say anything to her about this, all she says is: don't you remember being like this? Everyone does this. Other parents remember doing this.

It just seems so desperate to me, indicating lack of self respect. But she seems to feel powerful when she does it. It scares me, too: what's next? She's always been a "larger than life" kind of kid. Anything she does, she does "big": aggressive at sports, excels...works hard at school....competitive. She's no shrinking violet. And this reminds me of me at that age, SO desperate to be cool by having a boyfriend. Seems more dangerous nowdays than in 1968! HELP.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Things ARE much more dangerous than 1968--and even 1998! Research paints a scary picture of how we're sexualizing our daughters at such an early age that many define their primary worth in this world as being sexual, some as young as age 6! This pressure has pushed kids into sexual behaviors long before they have any real sexual identity (and values) to guide them through those trials. The resulting inner conflict and bad feelings might lead to the high rates of depression and anxiety we see in these early-active girls.
The cure is a talking one, using, as you note, quiet respect-based questions (not lectures or demands) to get her to think about what this all means to her. Be sure to quietly offer your own adult female sexual values, and speak about why they are what they are for you, and do not talk about what she "should" feel. If there is an adult male role model around draft him to take her out for a coffee to have a red-faced, stammering talk about how as an ex-14-year-old male, he knows a bit about how those boy brains work, and how those brains truly see girls who are sexually active at early ages.
Good luck.