teen dating advice

[justmom]

Hi everyone

I have a daughter that turned 14 in March. She met a boy a few months ago at a friends birthday party he will be 17 in December. He lives in another town but we found out that they were communicating on my space. My daughter has become quite enamored with him, they have been around each other only a few times.

She wanted me to meet him so I would get to know him so she could be his g/f and I flat refused. He is almost 3 years older than her and I dont feel that she needs a b/f that old. I told her that I would not allow them to date under any circumstances.

Against my better judgement I continued to let her talk to him but it was supposed to be only as friends. I knew better of course but wanted to trust her because she has always been a good kid. Recently she went to a friends house where he showed up and although supervised I was extremely upset because I told her NO face to face with him. Apparently it was a planned meeting. I had spoken to both her and the boy and the boys mother all knew the boundaries. The boys mother dropped him off. To say I was upset is an understatement.

I grounded her took away her internet and all communication with him. She somehow logged onto the neighbors wireless and was speaking to him without my knowledge. So after the grounding was over I said ok I am going to give you back your internet. Living in a small town that is her only means of communicating with other friends and you may speak to him but again he is too old and you will not be allowed to be anything other than friends.

Part of me thinks I should give him a chance but the phone call with him was very disturbing he was saying things like "what did I do to deserve to not be allowed around her" and "how am I supposed to sleep at night" both statements that disturbed me greatly. The manipulation that he was trying to pull really upset me. He has told my daughter that he will sweet talk me into letting him date her. He doesnt know me very well.

I cant help but feel if he were allowed to date her he would manipulate her also and want his way. It really worries me, he is spoiled and his parents never tell him no. So what other aspects is that going to translate into.

I want to trust her but I dont trust him. But it seems like no matter what I say or do they are going to try and get away with being g/f and b/f. The plan now is to start meeting him at church even though she goes to another church's youth group. She wants to start going to the church he goes to occassionally.

I wouldnt have a problem with her going to church, I think if she wants to go she should be allowed to go, but what I have a problem with is her going to church for the wrong reason. You go to church to strengthen your relationship with God not to see a boy.

My daughter has turned into someone I dont even know. She manipulates people to get to see him be it her friends or others. She was never like this before. I cant help but think I have forced her hand and that she is going to do something really stupid.

It is clear I am going to get no help from the boy's parents. Even though the mother said she wouldnt let her daughter date someone that much older. I am at a loss as to what to do.

If I let her see him occassionally as in a group thing I feel it will make the bond stronger, which I dont want. If I dont allow it they will find a way to sneak around I have no doubt. I have become just mom and I was never that before. She used to treat people with kindness and respect and would never have disobeyed me.

Does anyone have any advice? Am I being too strict with the age? Should I allow them to see one another?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Your pained note very well outlines the precarious politics of the teen dating struggle. I think you've already learned what most parents find out, that the more you fight the relationship, the stronger it seems to get. And that techno-savvy kids usually defeat our parental attempts to impose communication blocks. While most experts say 14 should be the minimum age for dating, I encourage parents to set 15 or 16 as the minimum "alone" dating age, and to be sure to do this BEFORE Mr./Ms. Wonderful appears in your teen's world.

So what to do now? First, focus on the positives. It sounds as if things were OK prior to her meeting Mr. Wonderful so try to not panic and instead view this as a "blip" (one of many you'll have even with a great teen). Be sure to remind her about all the good things she is. Don't let a blip color your entire relationship. He is 2 years and 3 months older but that doesn't necessarily make him out to be a predator. I'd bet that she's also at risk with other 14 year olds with whom you might be more comfortable. His lack of boundaries with you is a little disconcerting but if you are correct about his parents, then he might be used to talking to adults as if they were his peers.

Second, you might want to start to recognize that you must start to give your kid some reasonable amounts of freedom if she shows responsible use of that freedom. So as a start you might say that she can see him under certain conditions and that if you guys can again rebuild trust, then those conditions can change as she gets older and more responsible. For example, you might say that he's welcome to visit in your home and join your family in activities, but that she must promise no alone dating time with him until she is 15 or 16. The idea is to give her enough safe access to him to allow the relationship to die the normal quick death of most teen relationships without getting into a war with her where she might do something drastic. Find "win-win" ways of giving her part of what she wants (time with him) and giving you a better level of safety, which is really found not in your rules but in your relationship with your child. Trying to negotiate this out will make her more likely to be responsible.

Good luck.