concerns about girlfriend

[ovr40mom]

just 14 son has been "going with" a 15 year old girl for about a year. They live in different neighborhoods and go to different schools so they mostly talk on the phone and on line (alot) although we have limits on school nights. Up until more recently they have gererally seen each other with a group of kids, movies, concerts with a parent taking. We have taken them to the mall a couple of times. Also up until more recently they generally saw each other about once every 2 weeks sometimes not for 3 weeks. In the past 6 weeks or so they have been seeing each other once a weekend and going to the movies with another couple. I had reservations about the double dating but conceded but we are firm that it cannot be just the 2 of them at this age. Well my son's emotional involvment in this relationship is obviously increasing and his weekend activities with his male friends and his invitations to their houses are decreasing. He is with his buddies when I pick him up at school and still sees them outside of school some but not as often. The girlfriend is seeming to become more the focus of his attention and energy. I have had several talks with him about appropriate emotional and sexual involvement at his age, he does not see any problem, is always respectful but is obviously getting tired of the talks and I know that is time to lay off. He also feels that since he does not see her all week, a few hours a weekend is not that much. He does acceptable in school, is respectful and we have had no concerns about drugs or alcohol (yet) and since this is not our first teenager, from personal experience, and reading your book and these posts, I know we could have far worse problems. However, I am feeling concerned and note that none of his friends have had a girlfriend this long or this seriously. We would like to just start saying no to some of the weekend movie requests (not all) and know that will meet with some resistance. The girl is nice, her parents are nice but we want to keep this emotionally and age appropriate. Looking for feedback on whether this is healthy at his age and what to do.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
First, in terms of intensity, it sounds as if this relationship is not really a year old, but more like 2 months old. So perhaps it's not quite as scary as it looks at first.
Second, you are handling things very well. Keep remembering that the zenith of your power is in giving your son short, calm, and dispassionate thoughts or questions (i.e. "are you missing your friends a bit son?" and "Do you feel any pressure being in a relationship at 14?")
Third, also keep remembering that the more you can "safely" allow this romance to bloom, the faster the petals will begin to fall. And once you say, "You can't see her!", girlfriend will become the most attractive female on this planet to your son.
But keep monitoring. If you see school falling off, or excessive detachment from friends, then you will have to move in a bit with some negotiating of dating limits and academic goals to earn dating freedoms.
Good luck and keep us posted.