Where do I begin?

[Lori Wade]

Dr. Bradley,

I am almost fiished with your book "Yes, your teen is crazy." In some parts of the book, I feel a tremendous amount of relief that this is a phase and my son will decide to do the right thing, and we, as his parents will have successfully raised another child. Other parts of the book make me think that I need to get help immediately.

I am a mother of 4. The oldest is 23, than 21, almost 18 and 16. Three of the four children are ideal and what you would want your kids to be. The almost 18 year old has always walked to a different beat. He has ADHD and a general different way of looking at things. When my son turned 17, our lives drastically changed. About a year ago, my husband had to relocate to another state and we only see him once every few weeks, usually only for a couple of days. We have had major financial problems, my daughter moved to another state to finish her masters program and my oldest son was away at college in another state. We have been dealing with lying, attitude, expermenting with pot, smoking, not wanting to do ANY schoolwork, long hair, lip ring, lazyness, horrible music (music?) excessive computer time and now, we have found out that he is "dealing" prescription drugs that he is getting from our home! My oldest son confronted him. We have not yet confrunted him on this matter.

I went to see a family counselor for about 4 visits. She didn't think my son needed to come in and then gave me something to read that was ridiculous. By the 4th visit, she asked me "why aren't we seeing your son?" She also told me that she just didn't know what to tell me, and had no answers for me. I decided that she was not the one we needed to see.

I don't know what to do. He is so close to being 18. He needs an education. Everything we seem to talk to him about seems to go into one ear and out the other. We want to reach his heart, but feel like when we talk to him, he is sorry and remorseful, but not b/c of what he did, but b/c he got caught.

I am so desperate. It is so hard with my husband gone so much. I talked to someone at church, and they don't know who to recommend. Please, please, give me some insight, direction, anything.

Thank you so much and God bless you,

Lori

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
What terrible situation for you parents: Being separated just when you most need to be a team for your kid. But we all must play the hand that is dealt to us, so here are a few thoughts for your "card choices."
The first is that your son's drug dealing behavior has crossed the line into serious dangerousness, both to himself and others. He could well end up in adult prison since he is about to turn 18. ADHD drug dealers are the easiest to catch since their impulsivity and poor judgment make them easy pickin's for the police.
The second is that your kid's behavior may be largely due to his ADHD. If that is not being treated properly, get him seen immediately by his pediatrician or other helper to just look at that issue, and quickly. The right medication can make a world of difference.
My next thought is to have your whole family meet (with a counselor to mediate) to start to talk these issues out in a controlled fashion. If you can find no one else, then use the person you saw since you needn't rely upon her advice, just upon her mediation skills. The magic of a family can often solve the scariest problems. If he resists, softly suggest that you'll not report his drug theft/sale if he agrees to family counseling.
Finally, if all else fails, you must quickly begin to set limits on your son's behavior in the not-so-nice-way. Once he's 18 you can set conditions he must meet to stay in your home, and as a drastic last resort, you can consider turning him in for drug offenses since a judge can mandate that he get treatment as a condition of his not going to jail. Only consider this if you feel you have a progressive local law enforcement system, one that is more focused upon helping versus hurting kids.
I know that you're likely scared and exhausted, but you must dig down to find the strength for this fight. Your kid's life is at stake.
Take care and keep us posted.