At what age do "adolesents" see the light?

[Sharon]

Hello: I have been going through several issues with my daughter over the past 5 years. She will be 21 this coming birthday and she's still confused, angry, hurt, bitter, disrespectful and unappreciative. She doesn't hesitate to embarase me in front of my friends when ever she feels like it, with her outbursts of anger over simple things, she says things to hurt me emotionally, she secludes herself in her room when she's home and won't communicate with me and I am so frustrated. She refuses counselling. I have tried everything I can possibly think of. I am finding it difficult to control my own feelings and think that maybe she just needs a rude awakening. If my phone rings at work and I see it's her, I feel sick to my stomach over answering the phone because what's going to be said now? I'm thinking and feeling, "She's just going to upset me again".

I love my daughter with everything in me. But she is so nasty and rude I don't know how much more I can handle. I'm not even sure I know who she is anymore.

She's almost 21 for goodness sake. When does it end? Can she possibly still be going through this "phase". Or is there some other problem that I am unable to recognize?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
Unfortunately your girl's terrible behavior should have ended years ago, and it is not likely to change without some hard work on your part.
Get some counseling for yourself concerning how you should respond to her. After taking a full history your shrink will be better able to help you to plan a program where your daughter either agrees to work things out or leaves your home. At 21 you do not need to be taking care of her unless you so wish. Be sure that you are not so enmeshed with her that she knows that she can abuse you however she wishes without risking you throwing her out.
Take care and keep us posted.