Sexual harassment?

[pkwarner]

First, let me say that I recommend Doc Bradley's books to anyone who has teens. I always receive "thank you's" for the recommendation from those who have read the books. I never thought I would be writing in with a question, but here I am.

I have a newly turned, well-developed, 13 year old daughter. She is bright, active, and engaged in school, community and church activities. Recently, I read her myspace mail which included a communication from a neighborhood boy, one year older. He was quite explicit with his sexual requests from her including asking her to send him nude pics. She skirted the issue but continued to communicate with him. It took me some time to figure out what I wished to say to her but finally sat down and discussed the issue. She already knew that I had the option of looking at her myspace at any time as that was our agreement when she set it up. I don't normally check her messages but her behavior one evening concerned me, so I looked at her last message which was from this boy.

She listened to my concerns and I let her know that people view us according to our behaviors and the boundaries we set. I let her know that I believed this boy was very inappropriate in his behaviors and that he did not respect her if he was asking her to do these things. She responded that he was just joking. I let her know that this was not a joke and it reflects poorly on her when she continues to respond to him. She has since stopped communicating with him on myspace but is now doing so on her cell phone. His latest request is for her to "send pics of her boobs" to him. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am tempted to go to this boys parents or the school for intervention, but I also recognize that my daughter needs to deal with this issue as there will be other issues like this in the future. I would appreciate any guidance in this area. I am very concerned about her. Thank you!

[Dan]

I don't have much experience with this kind of thing because "sexting" and myspace are a phenomenon that has exploded even in the few years since I left high school...

One thing I noticed in your approach was to use image as a reason for her to abstain from those actions..."I let her know that this was not a joke and it reflects poorly on her when she continues to respond to him.".

The important thing here is her safety, both mental and physical. What other people think should take the back seat. The "Myspace Revolution" seems to be creating a generation of hypersexual young teens...when I was 13 I was nervous to even talk to a girl I fancied, let alone ask her for nude pictures. Now, it seems that it is commonplace, with texts and the internet removing the personal aspect and making it easier for newly-sexual teens to make requests of this kind. If you read on the other message boards here or even in the newspapers, there have been a lot of issues where young girls send a boy a nude picture and it is distributed widely.

I'll leave the real insight to Dr. Bradley, but I just thought it was important to look into the issue of her safety as well as this growing trend in her age group. Theres a lot of information on this out there. I imagine sexual promiscuity at such a young age can develop into more serious risk taking behavior in the later teen years, so it is important to communicate with her about it in a non-judgemental, loving, safety-focused way sooner rather than later.

[pkwarner]

Thanks, Dan. I absolutely agree that her safety is foremost and is of the utmost import in my mind. My comments about how other people view her are more in line with my wish for her to take responsibility for her actions, not a concern as to how others see her. Although, should she choose to send this picture, other people's responses will gain importance as she may become ostracized and ridiculed--not something most 13 year old's want in their lives. Any thoughts on how to pursue this? Anything you read that would help parents deal with this type of issue? Recommendations that have worked for others? Take her phone away? Though, I suppose she would find other means of communicating...

[Dan]

I've read a lot of reports and heard on the news of many situations (potentially all of the situations) in which this type of picture is sent either by text or on myspace, the "relationship" ends, and the fellow distributes the pictures around school and the internet. Obviously, at her age, that would be child pornography, and there have been cases of criminal charges for that as well as sexual harassment, usually against the male in the equation.

At that age, its difficult, because so many of her peers will be using myspace and entering into increasingly "serious" relationships, potentially involving sexting. Restricting her use of the phone and the internet would be difficult because teens are adept at taking their operations underground, and then the prospect of communication would be gone. Another issue is that at 13, I notice young men and women believe they know everything there is to know about relationships, including whats normal and appropriate and what is not. Because her peers may be participating in this type of exchange, she may view this as normal. There may also be self esteem issues playing into this because the male attention she can elicit from this behavior is probably very appealing.

Overall, the best thing to do would be to get her to realize how serious it is, in a sense. Searching the internet for "sexting" will bring up thousands of articles about it, and if she read them she may realize the risk. As always, communication is important. Punishment and anger will only make her hide these behaviors. Its not her fault, being 13 in the information age is a confusing thing. An involved parent, open communication, and education about the situation are the best medicine.

[pkwarner]

We must be on the same page.:) I researched articles about "sexting" and printed a few of them. One from a young teen and a couple of others that were informative. Since my daughter communicates best in writing, I wrote a note asking that she read the material and answer a few questions after that. As it happens, her best friend slept over that night and we had a very interesting discussion about this issue. I think having her friend there made it easier for her to talk about this. She assured me she wouldn't be "that stupid" to send a picture. She was annoyed with me that I would even think that she would do so. This then opened a whole other discussion. I felt somewhat reassured by her response--though I am still asking her to read the articles I provided. I also spoke with the school counselor and asked if she had provided information to the 7th and 8th graders around this subject. Apparently, this has been an issue for a few of the children at the school but it has not been addressed globally--only in individual cases. I'm sure other parents are struggling with these same issues. Thanks for the feedback and helping me sort through a most challenging issue.