Frustrated and Hurt

[caringfriend]

Hi Dr Mike, I am a very concerned friend of a gentleman who has custody of his daughter because she couldnt get along with her mother. The Mother had her daughter hospitalized at 12 years old for taking showers for too long and the child was also allowed at a very young age to hang with boys that took advantage of her. So the scenerio is the Father does not believe in discipline at all. He believes a child needs to learn for themselves and hopefully will make the right decisions on her own one day. He totally enables her, she has a hard time getting up every day for school and she goes to a special school for behavior and juvenile delinquents. She is a very smart little girl and I feel she is given too many privledges and she is too young to have boyfriends whom the father hires to help him in his home. He has had this one boy who is hispanic and a high school drop out who is friends with his daughter spend many nights and beleives they are only friends. She is given too much freedom to stay up late at night with her lap top computer, she is never on time to this special school which the father drives her every day at least 2 hours after the day starts. I have told him that she needs to have consequences such as no computer after a certain hour and she shouldnt be allowed to have privledges if she doesnt earn them . He is empowering her to be a out of control young lady and I am so upset by this because he is so smart in business but he doesnt believe in discipline. I am writing this to you because I want to send this to him with replies from viewers and your imput. I have 2 children as well and my 25 year old daughter hung out with the wrong kids at 16 and I lost control of her and had to send her away to a special school to rescue her from her influences. She has been angry for my tough love but I had to and I see with my friend that his daughter is headed for disaster. He overly spoils her and she has no responsilbilites in the home and he treats her like its everyone elses fault and not his for not putting his foot down. His daughter is flunking 7th grade because of truancy and I really feel it is his doing that she is so out of control. He has an excuse for getting counseling with her and blames his wife for everything and now I see why she is so uncaring as a child. I cannot get involved because he gets mad at me when I tell him things he doesnt want to hear and I really am reaching out so I could have others give imput and maybe he will listen and come on this site to reach out. :(

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Friend",
Do you know the old adage about never discussing politics or religion with others? We should add parenting to that list as well because as with religion and politics, parenting is a passionate topic about which we can get very angry if we feel someone is judging us. If you keep pushing your views on your friend he will likely become an ex friend in short course, and this is ESPECIALLY true if you are correct about his poor parenting skills.
It is very sad that he may be making such a mess of things with his daughter, but ten-thousand angels swearing that he's wrong would likely not change his mind, let alone my poor thoughts. This is something he needs to sort out in his own mind and heart.
You've told him what you think, so, if you want to keep the friendship, let it go and be there to support him when things get worse (which they likely will). He will love you all the more for not having nagged or having said "I told you so..."
Take care.