She's 18 and doing nothing

[Sara]

My 18yr old daughter graduated in Jan. since then, she has not looked for a job, not started school. All she does is sleep late, hang out with her not-so-desirable friends all day and into the night. She comes home at around 12-1 and starts all over again.

Im a single mom. I believe my daughter is very depressed, but she won't see a counselor or take meds(once prescribed by her Family Doc). She has a car and cell phone which her Dad pays for.

I do not have the heart to "kick her out". I can't stand the thought of her bottoming out in the street.(She's not doing drugs).

her friends are local gangbangers who are mostly using her for her car, but who treat her nicely.

I am agonizing over what to do. Ive read your book, but I haven't found the answers in there. Wish I'd read it 3 years ago!

Please help me...I am at my wits end.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Sara,
See a child/adolescent counselor yourself to get some advice on how to proceed. That advice will vary by your daughter's history. For example, if your kid was pretty much OK through high school, the odds are that this is a temporary "school's out forever" reaction that will die out as she gets bored. But if she has a long standing history of depression and/or anxiety (things that can keep her from chasing good goals) then she may be losing ground and in need of immediate help. I hope you are correct in saying that she is not doing any drugs. But I need to warn you that she sure fits the profile of a kid who would be drawn to drugs.
For now, avoid any "knee-jerk" reactions (such as throwing her out) until you can get some expert help. For the short term she is definitely safer in your house than on the street. Keep telling her that you love her and are worried about her. Take her out for a coffee and ask calmly what ideas she has for her future. Don't lecture or threaten, even if she says that her plan is to party 24/7. The shrink will want to know how she responds to that question.
Always play the parenting game for the long term, not the short. Here this means focusing on keeping a strong connection to your child as you ride out this tough time.
Please keep us posted.

[Sara]

Thank you Dr Bradley for your response re:18 and doing nothing.
Sadly, she has been spiriling downhill since 7th grade, has had some therapy, some medication(which worked great but which she refused to continue), has been arrested for pot possession and is still on Juvenile probation.....which thank God has kept her OFF drugs for now.

She is the victim of a really bad divorse.

I have tried a couple of local therapists but have not found any with your approach(and wisdom). I live in the San Francisco Bay Area....can you recommend anyone?

I feel hopeful having found this resource.

[admin]

There's a link on Dr. Bradley's website to finding a qualified counselor in any area. Just click on links at the bottom of the main page, to get to Counselor Find at www.nbcc.org/cfind

Best of luck to you.

[May]

Please contact Cynthia Brody who has an office in Sausalito. She is extremely effective and works quickly. After the very first session we noticed results. She's a family therapist who specializes in female adolescent care. My family has been seeing her for a little over a month now and our daughter is behaving so much better. Please call her or email her asap. Her phone number is 415-522-9080 and her email is cynbrody@aol.com. She's terrific!