Who's the Boss?

[singlemomsam]

Dear Dr. Bradley,

First of all thanks for your book. It was a huge help and very informative.

I am the mom of a 14 y.o. boy who is so great in most ways. He is doing beautifully in school, I have no concerns about substance abuse (yet) and he has a good solid group of friends with strong goals and academic performance and involved parents.

That said...I have gotten used to 'being stupid'. The kid thinks he has so much more knowledge and expertise on all aspects of life. However, until a year or two ago it seemed like I was, as I should be, the one in charge. I set limits on his tv/computer time and content, I told him when to go to bed rather than making suggestions, I knew his teachers and was very involved in school.

Now he watches awful slasher movies, spends hours on the computer - we did not have cable and internet until a year and a half ago - and is bossy and rude. For instance, he started making dinner the other night (he cooks as he hates my cooking) and announced that he was going to turn off the tv and we WERE going to sit down and eat together. Eating together is great. I have a problem, however, with being told by a child when I am going to eat and that I WILL turn off my tv show to do it at his command. This same kid would have a fit if I turned off his show and told him we're eating RIGHT NOW.

He'll also do stuff like comment contemptuously if I eat ice cream, drink soda, etc, very nastily ask if I'm trying to kill myself. I realize he's expressing concern but does he have to do it in such an ugly way? He swears and also does some name calling and put downs. Mainly he just tunes me out. I get the feeling that he's so over the needing mom stage and is just waiting to move out of his sad little home and sad little town to get on to a life of value.

It feels like I'm raising a tyrant. We have very little in common any more and he is quite distant. My own mother would never have put up with this behavior...but she took a belt to my 16 y.o. brother. They still don't speak.

How do I allow him to become his own person in a way that is respectful to BOTH of our needs? Thanks.

[tacobell123]

Dear Dr. Bradley,

First of all thanks for your book. It was a huge help and very informative.

I am the mom of a 14 y.o. boy who is so great in most ways. He is doing beautifully in school, I have no concerns about substance abuse (yet) and he has a good solid group of friends with strong goals and academic performance and involved parents.
Make sure he knows this, congratulate him for his efforts, not just bland, blanket thanks, but individual ones on specific things he does well.


That said...I have gotten used to 'being stupid'. The kid thinks he has so much more knowledge and expertise on all aspects of life. However, until a year or two ago it seemed like I was, as I should be, the one in charge. I set limits on his tv/computer time and content, I told him when to go to bed rather than making suggestions, I knew his teachers and was very involved in school.
Kids do this, especially males, it's an ego thing. It's more common nowadays with things like Google and Wikipedia that have so much information available at our fingertips.


Now he watches awful slasher movies, spends hours on the computer - we did not have cable and internet until a year and a half ago - and is bossy and rude.
"awful slasher movies" is something that teen boys are interested in. Just because you are not gives you a right to be blatantly condescending to his tastes? You should cancel your cable anyway, TV is an awful distraction.

For instance, he started making dinner the other night (he cooks as he hates my cooking) and announced that he was going to turn off the tv and we WERE going to sit down and eat together. Eating together is great. I have a problem, however, with being told by a child when I am going to eat and that I WILL turn off my tv show to do it at his command. This same kid would have a fit if I turned off his show and told him we're eating RIGHT NOW.
Wow.... there's a lot I see wrong with this. First off, if my son (15) cooked I'd be very proud of him for taking initiative, instead of just expecting me or my spouse to do it.

THEN you get mad at him for wanting to turn off the TV eat together as a a family?! :eek: Myself and MANY parents would kill for that! Family dinners are ESSENTIAL to having a stable family. Yes your child shouldn't 'command' you, but I dare say he's in the right. Family dinner is MUCH more important than TV. If he gets mad when you do the same thing, CALL HIM ON IT! Say 'honey you did this to me yesterday, it's only fair'


He'll also do stuff like comment contemptuously if I eat ice cream, drink soda, etc, very nastily ask if I'm trying to kill myself. I realize he's expressing concern but does he have to do it in such an ugly way? He swears and also does some name calling and put downs. Mainly he just tunes me out. I get the feeling that he's so over the needing mom stage and is just waiting to move out of his sad little home and sad little town to get on to a life of value.
Again, he's in the right as ice cream and soda are NOT good for you, heart disease is the #1 killer of Americans. Soda is ESPECIALLY bad with all the high fructose corn syrup, I don't allow that poison in my house.

Tell him that you appreciate his concern, but not his tone. He also has to know that swearing and put downs are not OK. He wouldn't like it if you did that? You have to make sure he knows this. What if he got a bad grade on a test and you called him stupid? It'd be a shock to him, but that might open his eyes a little bit.

A lot of this is just teen angst. Like you said yourself he's probably bored of his location and wants to expand his horizons.


It feels like I'm raising a tyrant. We have very little in common any more and he is quite distant. My own mother would never have put up with this behavior...but she took a belt to my 16 y.o. brother. They still don't speak.
It doesn't sound like he's a tyrant at all, just an angst-ridden misunderstood teen. Try relating to him. You have little in common, so use that, find something you both like. Take a walk with him, watch a family movie (Pixar movies are great for this, I just saw UP and loved it!).


How do I allow him to become his own person in a way that is respectful to BOTH of our needs? Thanks.
You need to give him space and also support him, especially with being a chef and wanting to eat dinner together. He'll be 18 in only 4 years and you wish you had spent more time with him. You have to praise him when it's deserved, but also be stern and let him know that you don't appreciate being talked down to and I'm sure he doesn't either. It's called the GOLDEN RULE for a reason, you have to express to him that respect must be mutual, but you are the parent, you pay the bills, you gave him life, you are the boss, BUT that does not mean you need to be condescending.

It sounds like you have a good kid who's going through normal teen things, relating to him and mutual respect and communication is the #1 most important thing!

[singlemomsam]

Thanks for the feedback.

As far as me 'condescending' in terms of his tastes in movies, I'm not going to stop. This society encourages girls to think about themselves in terms of beauty and boys to think of themselves in terms of masculinity = violence. This is an oversimplification, but if I thought I could cut my 14 year old off movies like "Saw", "Terminator" etc I would. I just think he'll watch them at other kids' houses and he's much more tech savvy then me so he'll find a way to watch this stuff. But I make no apology for disliking bloody, gratuitously violent films.

As far as getting rid of cable...not gonna happen. We had no tv at all until he was 10. Then we got a tv but used only DVDs/videos. A year ago we got basic cable. I like watching the news and a couple of shows a week and he would freak if I cancelled it. I'm trying to make sure he is involved in other stuff, such as after school clubs/sports. It's much more difficult at this age. When he was small, we spent hours going to musuems, plays, concerts, puppet shows, reading, cooking, hanging out at the playground, playing board games together. Now he prefers tv, computer or friends. The outtings I attempt invariably fail. He's not into nature hikes, 'cultural' events etc any more. When we got out I get eye rolling and "I'm starving!" and this is so pathetic....

I have been religious about eating together every night. I did not object to the idea of having dinner together, it was being ordered to turn off the tv that I objected to. I stayed home with my son until he was almost 3 and for the past decade have put my career on hold to make sure I could attend school plays and sporting events, be there to take him to school/pick him up, read to him, help with homework, tuck him in every night. I have bent over backwards to be there for him and will continue to do so until he graduates from high school. Yes, it's not long but those tirades can feel endless.

He is absolutely magnificent in so many ways...but not so much when he calls me a f*&^ing b*&! It's been a real struggle because my when my mother said jump, you by god jumped. She had no hesitation about using harsh physical punishment throughout my teen years and would CRUSH any attempt at rebellion. In fact, I did not really experience the whole individuating thing. So it's hard to relate, I just know I am not going to be an abusive control freak with my kid. On the other hand, it's my job to be involved mom and keep him away from drugs, alcohol, gangs, not to mention making sure he's ready for college or career.

[Entlover]

Dear Single Mom,
I have to respectfully disagree with the previous poster's emphasis. I was a single parent for years and it can be tough. This boy is not misunderstood, he is a better-than-average teen who's working on separation from mom. He's just going about it in an unacceptable way.
I hope that Dr Bradley will comment, but my suggestion would be to tell him how proud you are of his achievements in school, but that that doesn't give him any right to be rude to you. My recent comments have included: "I don't give money (allowances) to people who call me names." Or rides, or allow them to have friends over.
This is not being harsh. How far would I get at work if I call my supervisor names? It's being kind to your son to set limits for him, and insist on courtesy to his mother, before he gets out into the world and discovers that he can't be rude to people and expect rewards in return.

[singlemomsam]

I think respect is absolutely essential. It almost sounds silly to say it but the old ways with the parent as authoritarian is gone, which is a good thing. Most important I think we parents have to give respect in order to get it. Not the easiest thing to do. There are so many times when I feel like a cartoon character with the tomato red face and steam pouring out of my ears! I usually do my best to remove myself for a while until I calm down, then address issues if needed.

As far as the family dinner/tv thing...as little media as possible is best in my opinion but that seemed to work much better with a younger kid.

And yes, I know he'll be gone in a few years, which is why I have given up a lot of 'stuff' in order to be there, etc. So much more important, in my mind, to be able to be there.

TacoBell, misunderstood? Am I the one, as his mother who is doing the misunderstanding? By the way, have you ever tried raising your kid on your own?