FaceBook Photos

[Simone]

My daughter is 14. Many girls in my daughter's circle of friends use Facebook. I've noticed something - they all post photos of themselves with their tongues sticking out, or more accurately, tongues lolling out.... or sucking lollipops with a wide-eyed expression.

I find it overly provocative. I asked my daughter to take down those pictures. She got very indignant and wanted to know why. After much hemming and hawing, I just blurted out-"That pose looks too much like how women pose in pornography..." And I asked her why its just the girls who pose like that--the boys don't. She now calls me a 'big pervert' and says I'm the only mother who thinks like that.

I honestly don't think she really was trying to be provocative--I think she was just mimicking the photos of the high school girls (on FB) and well, of course, all the images of women out there in the media. Now, of course, I wonder if my making too much of it will cause her to do it more? But the internet is far-reaching and forever.

Am I crazy?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Simone,
You are exactly right. Your daughter is likely just imitating the other girls, all of whom have no idea about how provocative they've been trained to be by the culture. The key here is to have a trusted adult male figure (father, uncle, and so on) take your daughter out for a coffee and say, "As an ex-14-year-old male, I need to tell you that your picture is an invitation to boys to have some cheap sex with a girl you care nothing about. Is that the picture you want to circulate?" The male has credentials you do not have as a mom, namely knowing first hand how teen boys' minds work. That may have some impact. And if possible, expand that discussion to help her to see how her world has hyper-sexualized her in ways that can bring her terrible pain.
Good luck.

[Simone]

Thanks--I'll try of anything outside of a burqua. It is an uphill battle. The short shorts. The racoon eyeliner. Its really tragic.

[kkem]

I recently had something similar where my daughter (13) and her friend made a video they posted on FB where they were doing exactly what you describe and also some things that were a little more vulgar. My husband got to do the confronting and talking with this one and imagine my daughter's surprise when dad went through the video asking exactly what each of the things she was doing meant. Although it was torturous, she got the message. Plus she was mortified that her dad a) saw it, and b) knew what any of the things meant. Needless to say, she took down the videos and lost her FB (and cell phone) privileges for a month. We often use this incident as an example to her of how her judgement isn't always sound. We do it in a funny way, but she gets the point.

[notjunecleaver]

I have been resisting allowing my 12.5 daughter join FB for this exact reason - lack of judgement. I have noticed that some of her friends who have "friended" me post those tongue-out photos...and probably have no idea of the implications of their photos. I also think they have no idea of how many people can view photos on FB if they are meticulous and constantly updating privacy settings. Thank you for your posts - I will definitely hold off on FB for her as long as possible (high school, I'm thinking).

[CM2J2R2S]

Our almost 14 year old daughter has had facebook for almost one year. She does not know her password.