TornMom
06-05-2010, 08:58 PM
I just discovered an email where my 18 year old daughter has been sending "love you" emails to a man she met 4 months ago at a foreign language conversation group. He has been married for about 3 years and has come over from an Asian country. She is completely smitten with all things Asian, since before Pokemons! She finds him "hot" and irresistible. She said she's attracted to him because he's a "bad boy" like her dad. Her father has been chronically unfaithful. His last few affairs started when she was 14 and he flaunted them, telling her he wanted her to see what "real love" was. While all the lover's four kids were present in our house, he was even having sex with this lover in the room next to my daughter's, she told me she could hear them. I tried hard to hide my disgust, but maybe I shouldn't have, while he blatantly attempted to alienate her by putting me down. (I moved out, announced we were divorcing when he refused to break off his affair with a woman he "thought" was wealthy and "the ONE."
Now, my daughter told me a month ago that this 30-year old man was heavily flirting with her. She said she was flattered and she didn't have man in her life, ie. no boyfriend and her father is on the other side of the country. When I brought to her attention she would be hurting another innocent woman just as her mother had been hurt, she claimed she didn't know what that was like because she'd never had a boyfriend before. She didn't know his wife, so she didn't have any idea. All he told her was that he didn't have a good relationship with his wife. I reminded her how hurt she was when her dad announced to her that he was in love with another woman and was going to marry her.
She was contemplating having the affair, then told me later that it wasn't worth the drama. She felt her art was more rewarding. I believed her because she stopped going to the conversation group. It was also becoming expensive for the train fare into downtown for no pay.
Having gone through the lies and deception of my husband's affairs, I noticed similar behaviour from her. She has been irritable, accusatory, derogatory with me. She doesn't want to tell me anything about who she associates with nor does she want to bring them home, even though she brought one or two of them home other times. I told her they are always welcome to come over and have no problem. Previously her friends have told her - "Your Mom is so chill!"
She developed a UTI (urinary tract infection) last weekend during a big Anime convention for which I had to take her to a clinic for antibiotics. She asked me not to come in with her to see the doctor. I figured she is 18 now, so she wanted to appear grown-up. She also showed me a rash on her stomach, that she claimed was because she had worn a high-waisted skirt up high.
My parents have been in a health crisis since Mother's day, so I've had to drive a hour to their city on weekends. Mom is now stable, so I don't have to worry about her... but in the meanwhile, I see how I missed some serious warning signs.
One time I returned home to find there were two pillows on her bed. There was a beer 4-pack cardboard carrier in the kitchen. (She nor I drink beer.) She had changed the sheets on her bed... which she NEVER does. Somehow, I sensed someone had stayed overnight. She claimed the double pillows were because her neck was sore from the pillow being too low. She said her other friend had brought the beer.
The other night, I heard someone crying. Windows were open in the neighbourhood, so I thought it was a child crying at home. When I listened more closely, it was my daughter. Since she had been molested by a stranger a couple of years ago walking home from the public transit, I thought someone had done it again. I ran into the street to try to find her. Instead of welcoming me, she ran away from me, still crying, then telling me to "F-off!" I was shocked and hurt, so I left and thought she might be having another knock-down drag out fight with her father, who tends to be over-controlling and demanding.
Now, I'm thinking that it was in fact that 30-year old guy.
Further on that man... she told me he had been a "host boy" in his homeland and had belonged to a motorcycle gang before coming to North America. (A host boy is a guy who picks up business women for company, expensive drinks, and etc., etc. We call him a gigolo here.) She seems to think those "host boys" are so good looking and that added to her obsession with this character.
We moved near my parents about 6 months ago so she could also attend her dream school, which she found too "easy" so she dropped out. She plans to apply for a program that won't start until September 2011 now. So, she doesn't really have easy access to people her own age and those with whom she continues to associate from the college are 21 and up.
I feel her dad should know, but I'm reluctant to talk to him because whenever I've brought a major problem to his attention about her, he overrides me and does whatever he wants to discipline. Co-parenting is too foreign with him. It is obvious to my friends that he role modelled this behavior to her, yet everyone doubts he'll see himself or his influence in all this. If he did, it would be a real revelation and some important insights would happen. However, nobody's holding their breath for his enlightenment. His relationship with his daughter has been bordering on obsessive and possessive, thinking that finally he has someone who will always love him and never stop! He has driven away all those who do with his unbridled rages, including his daughter, but she keeps coming back, seduced by his ardent apologies and declarations of love for her. Her counsellor had already warned her that she would be damaging her prospects for finding a real, mature love relationship unless she came to a conclusion and sorted out her issues with her father. We're no where near this fantastic counsellor any more, so now, I am at a loss and heartbroken that this 30-year old former gigolo is taking advantage of my daughter. Should I tell her father, knowing in advance how he has reacting in the past with his over-protective zeal and his abuse of me and my daughter? What's the best thing to say to start off the conversation with my daughter. I have only put the clues together, that's all, but I'm pretty sure I've heard that type of giggly laugh of a teenaged girl enthralled by a suitor. Help, please!!
Now, my daughter told me a month ago that this 30-year old man was heavily flirting with her. She said she was flattered and she didn't have man in her life, ie. no boyfriend and her father is on the other side of the country. When I brought to her attention she would be hurting another innocent woman just as her mother had been hurt, she claimed she didn't know what that was like because she'd never had a boyfriend before. She didn't know his wife, so she didn't have any idea. All he told her was that he didn't have a good relationship with his wife. I reminded her how hurt she was when her dad announced to her that he was in love with another woman and was going to marry her.
She was contemplating having the affair, then told me later that it wasn't worth the drama. She felt her art was more rewarding. I believed her because she stopped going to the conversation group. It was also becoming expensive for the train fare into downtown for no pay.
Having gone through the lies and deception of my husband's affairs, I noticed similar behaviour from her. She has been irritable, accusatory, derogatory with me. She doesn't want to tell me anything about who she associates with nor does she want to bring them home, even though she brought one or two of them home other times. I told her they are always welcome to come over and have no problem. Previously her friends have told her - "Your Mom is so chill!"
She developed a UTI (urinary tract infection) last weekend during a big Anime convention for which I had to take her to a clinic for antibiotics. She asked me not to come in with her to see the doctor. I figured she is 18 now, so she wanted to appear grown-up. She also showed me a rash on her stomach, that she claimed was because she had worn a high-waisted skirt up high.
My parents have been in a health crisis since Mother's day, so I've had to drive a hour to their city on weekends. Mom is now stable, so I don't have to worry about her... but in the meanwhile, I see how I missed some serious warning signs.
One time I returned home to find there were two pillows on her bed. There was a beer 4-pack cardboard carrier in the kitchen. (She nor I drink beer.) She had changed the sheets on her bed... which she NEVER does. Somehow, I sensed someone had stayed overnight. She claimed the double pillows were because her neck was sore from the pillow being too low. She said her other friend had brought the beer.
The other night, I heard someone crying. Windows were open in the neighbourhood, so I thought it was a child crying at home. When I listened more closely, it was my daughter. Since she had been molested by a stranger a couple of years ago walking home from the public transit, I thought someone had done it again. I ran into the street to try to find her. Instead of welcoming me, she ran away from me, still crying, then telling me to "F-off!" I was shocked and hurt, so I left and thought she might be having another knock-down drag out fight with her father, who tends to be over-controlling and demanding.
Now, I'm thinking that it was in fact that 30-year old guy.
Further on that man... she told me he had been a "host boy" in his homeland and had belonged to a motorcycle gang before coming to North America. (A host boy is a guy who picks up business women for company, expensive drinks, and etc., etc. We call him a gigolo here.) She seems to think those "host boys" are so good looking and that added to her obsession with this character.
We moved near my parents about 6 months ago so she could also attend her dream school, which she found too "easy" so she dropped out. She plans to apply for a program that won't start until September 2011 now. So, she doesn't really have easy access to people her own age and those with whom she continues to associate from the college are 21 and up.
I feel her dad should know, but I'm reluctant to talk to him because whenever I've brought a major problem to his attention about her, he overrides me and does whatever he wants to discipline. Co-parenting is too foreign with him. It is obvious to my friends that he role modelled this behavior to her, yet everyone doubts he'll see himself or his influence in all this. If he did, it would be a real revelation and some important insights would happen. However, nobody's holding their breath for his enlightenment. His relationship with his daughter has been bordering on obsessive and possessive, thinking that finally he has someone who will always love him and never stop! He has driven away all those who do with his unbridled rages, including his daughter, but she keeps coming back, seduced by his ardent apologies and declarations of love for her. Her counsellor had already warned her that she would be damaging her prospects for finding a real, mature love relationship unless she came to a conclusion and sorted out her issues with her father. We're no where near this fantastic counsellor any more, so now, I am at a loss and heartbroken that this 30-year old former gigolo is taking advantage of my daughter. Should I tell her father, knowing in advance how he has reacting in the past with his over-protective zeal and his abuse of me and my daughter? What's the best thing to say to start off the conversation with my daughter. I have only put the clues together, that's all, but I'm pretty sure I've heard that type of giggly laugh of a teenaged girl enthralled by a suitor. Help, please!!