Mamakitty
07-12-2011, 05:54 PM
I apologize in advance for the length of this. It’s a long ugly story but I will do my best to keep it succinct and to the point. I am divorced from my teen’s father by my choice. The most all-encompassing reason I can give for that is that he is the most utterly careless person I have ever encountered. That may not seem like a good reason until you realize that this includes virtually every aspect of his life—he is irresponsible, neglectful, selfish, verbally abusive, immature, narcistic etc. When it began heading toward physical abuse, I put my foot down and called enough. It was to the point where the 3 of us hated to see him come home as it inevitably turned from peaceful to a war zone. My kids were 9 and 12 at that time. Since then, my ex has remarried and divorced again and saw the kids on most weekends when convenient.
Fast forward to the present. I have remarried and my husband has been good to my kids—strict but fair. The only issue I have is that he tends to be abrupt and sometimes dictator-like. He was raised by an abusive mother and a father who hid in his garage and opted for a military career as early as possible. The beginning was a little rocky as we all made adjustments but we persevered for the last 6 years. My son is the current problem. He is 16 and 2 months ago got caught buying dope at school. I wasn’t aware that this was going on, though I was suspicious there was something wrong. He was spending much more time than usual at a particular friend’s house where we have since learned that virtually anything went. Looking back, I see many mistakes I made wrt trust and not pushing more to connect with this were pushed aside and deferred and that alone should have set off alarm bells.
On the day he got caught, he ran away from home to his “friend’s” house and refused to come home. When he did, he shut himself in his room and refused to come out. His father, my husband and myself presented a united front to try to talk to him but the result was even worse. We even tried to talk to the parent who had been involved but she refused to speak to us. My son trashed the living room, was rude and disrespectful etc. His father threw a tantrum when he wouldn’t listen and told him that he was finished with him and left. My husband, after a few attempts to reason then told my son to pack and leave. Looking back, I felt like I was paralyzed and that I was watching something unfold like in a dream where you see it happening but you can’t respond. The rest of the evening was heart-rending for me, cops present etc.
A few days later, my son contacted me and wanted to talk. My goal was to try to get him to agree to counseling and at that point he was open to the idea, which here has to be voluntary. However, his father decided that he could live with him and to top it off, told him he would give him a car. Not many 16 year old are going to refuse that so now my son is living with his father. I had agreed in principle to the arrangement as a short term solution not being aware of the car as bait. I would have objected given the lack of supervision on my ex’s part. When I found out what was going on, it was too late. In addition, my ex has now given my son a totally different version of the divorce and where we were on reasonably good terms, he is now refusing to have anything to do with me, refusing counseling and has been very verbally abusive, partly because he considers me to be a liar, because I didn’t defend him when he got himself removed from the house and partly because I have refused to give him money. In the meantime, I am paying for his cell phone and a few other things that his father has refused to pay for. His father is giving a twisted version of this as well, saying that I am cutting all ties with him, that I am threatening to cut off his cell phone, taking him off my work benefits program etc.
So essentially, I have been cut out of the parenting picture here. I am just sitting back watching things play out because I have no ideas what I should do, if anything. I don’t see what I can do right now since my hands are effectively tied. This is difficult for me as I am a natural “fixer” and would like to resolve the situation but I think it wisest to take a hands off approach at least until things begin to go sour in wonderland. These two don’t have a history of getting along. Many weekend visits were cut short due to fights and the constant refrain I heard was “Why is Dad such a jerk?” and all I could say was “Well, he doesn’t mean to be…”
Does anyone have any advice on handling this mess?
Fast forward to the present. I have remarried and my husband has been good to my kids—strict but fair. The only issue I have is that he tends to be abrupt and sometimes dictator-like. He was raised by an abusive mother and a father who hid in his garage and opted for a military career as early as possible. The beginning was a little rocky as we all made adjustments but we persevered for the last 6 years. My son is the current problem. He is 16 and 2 months ago got caught buying dope at school. I wasn’t aware that this was going on, though I was suspicious there was something wrong. He was spending much more time than usual at a particular friend’s house where we have since learned that virtually anything went. Looking back, I see many mistakes I made wrt trust and not pushing more to connect with this were pushed aside and deferred and that alone should have set off alarm bells.
On the day he got caught, he ran away from home to his “friend’s” house and refused to come home. When he did, he shut himself in his room and refused to come out. His father, my husband and myself presented a united front to try to talk to him but the result was even worse. We even tried to talk to the parent who had been involved but she refused to speak to us. My son trashed the living room, was rude and disrespectful etc. His father threw a tantrum when he wouldn’t listen and told him that he was finished with him and left. My husband, after a few attempts to reason then told my son to pack and leave. Looking back, I felt like I was paralyzed and that I was watching something unfold like in a dream where you see it happening but you can’t respond. The rest of the evening was heart-rending for me, cops present etc.
A few days later, my son contacted me and wanted to talk. My goal was to try to get him to agree to counseling and at that point he was open to the idea, which here has to be voluntary. However, his father decided that he could live with him and to top it off, told him he would give him a car. Not many 16 year old are going to refuse that so now my son is living with his father. I had agreed in principle to the arrangement as a short term solution not being aware of the car as bait. I would have objected given the lack of supervision on my ex’s part. When I found out what was going on, it was too late. In addition, my ex has now given my son a totally different version of the divorce and where we were on reasonably good terms, he is now refusing to have anything to do with me, refusing counseling and has been very verbally abusive, partly because he considers me to be a liar, because I didn’t defend him when he got himself removed from the house and partly because I have refused to give him money. In the meantime, I am paying for his cell phone and a few other things that his father has refused to pay for. His father is giving a twisted version of this as well, saying that I am cutting all ties with him, that I am threatening to cut off his cell phone, taking him off my work benefits program etc.
So essentially, I have been cut out of the parenting picture here. I am just sitting back watching things play out because I have no ideas what I should do, if anything. I don’t see what I can do right now since my hands are effectively tied. This is difficult for me as I am a natural “fixer” and would like to resolve the situation but I think it wisest to take a hands off approach at least until things begin to go sour in wonderland. These two don’t have a history of getting along. Many weekend visits were cut short due to fights and the constant refrain I heard was “Why is Dad such a jerk?” and all I could say was “Well, he doesn’t mean to be…”
Does anyone have any advice on handling this mess?