twilightzone
08-04-2004, 03:16 AM
I posted on this forum a few months ago and can honestly say that I was hoping the next time I would post it would be good news. We’re not there yet, unfortunately.
In summary, you had recommended Dr. Jill Murray’s book which was extremely helpful. She has been helpful in numerous ways. The boy our 14 year-old daughter is in love with has had sex, does drugs, has stolen and taken a joy ride in his neighbor’s car to name a few. He told our daughter she should tell us about the stolen car. (What’s that about?)
In the last month, our daughter has been so distraught over this boy that she tried cutting. She hasn’t done it since. She said she didn’t like it, she’s not a cutter and she won’t do it again. For her physical for H.S. sports she was open about the cutting with the doctor. I thought this was healthy since she wasn’t hiding it and I commended her for doing it.
IMing has been cut off. My computer and internet service are provided by the company I work for and not to be used for personal use by my kids. This one single thing seemed to lift a huge burden off my daughter because it was as if she were addicted to the computer, wanting to constantly see who was on and what was going on. I really believe she just simply couldn’t handle sifting through all that nonsense. Before the IMing was cut off he told our daughter that he thought of hanging himself but then her face came into his mind and he didn’t. He said this a couple of weeks after a girlfriend of his friend actually committed suicide in this same way. He told our daughter no one was going to the community fireworks display that evening out of respect for this girl but guess what; everyone was there. This boy either ignored or was mean to our daughter, or both. This same evening another boy called and asked her where she lived and said he would pick her up and have her home before her parents woke up. She said her parent’s wouldn’t let her several times before he finally left her alone. He hasn’t called since, thankfully. This was the night our daughter tried cutting.
After this boy threatened suicide my husband told our daughter that based on the cutting, her thoughts of wishing she were dead etc… that she needed to end this relationship. The boy’s mom told them that they were forbidden to see each other, and that they could only IM or do phone calls. The boy tried blaming us for this and said it was our fault they couldn’t see each other. I thankfully had the sense to save this boy’s mom’s voice mail message and played it for my daughter so she knows the truth. At your suggestion, we had invited this boy to our home in the hopes that our daughter would get it. Once again the term brain dead fits so well. (Although he only came over only once even though we extended several invitations. He would keep our daughter thinking he was coming over and then cancel or he’d say he had a headache and he would let her know after he ate etc…..)
With basically no contact with this boy and no IMing our daughter actually seemed to be coming back. She started calling us mom and dad again (she just hadn’t addressed us as anything for quite some time), her personality was not so harsh (although the normal adolescent thing still occurred, of course) and it has been nice and more normal in our home. But the bottom line is that because our daughter has not been able to come to the conclusion for herself that this boy is so bad for her even though she says he can be mean and she knows of all of the behaviors I listed at the top of this letter. She doesn’t seem to be able to get over him. The light in her head has come on but it goes out again after a short time. But here’s the hard part. This boy may be 14 but he’s BIG trouble. I get the strong feeling he WANTS to hurt our daughter and he knows how in love with him she is. We no longer believe that she’s capable of ending this and it’s not safe for her to be in contact with him. He has told our daughter that the law means nothing to him. (I wish someone could help me understand how our daughter could even want to be around someone like this. It is so foreign from the way she was raised. Are there any reasons?)
Now for the latest. Our daughter is at camp this week. Our oldest daughter, who is a camp counselor at the same camp, called us tonight and said that her sister received an email from this boy and she posted it on her wall. Our older daughter asked who she received emails from and she said from a girlfriend (again the deceit continues when it comes to this relationship. However, I believe that this girlfriend contacted the boy initially because our 14 year old was sure to give her the camp email address.) That’s the other hard part. These 14 year old friends are just as clueless and continue to encourage this relationship. We’re wondering if we should tell our daughter that we need to all sit down with her friends and discuss this unhealthy relationship and ask them to please support our daughter and please not encourage it. (Sound crazy?)
It feels pretty hopeless sometimes. Just last week our daughter pointed out some of this boy’s behaviors and she said she ripped up his pictures. Now I'm afraid we've lost ground again. I have this nagging feeling that she's in real danger and yet feel there is no secure way of protecting her. This makes me crazy. This boy wants us to know how bad he is. He told our daughter to tell us he stole the car and had to do community service for 5 days. This is only one of the reasons for fearing for our daughter's safety. Are these fears valid? What do we do about it? Anything? We did give her the part in Dr. Murray’s book on addictive relationships. She asked her girlfriend if she thinks it's an addictive relationship and her WISE friend said "no
My husband and I wonder whether we should call this boys mom again and inform her that they are in contact again. His mom doesn't like our daughter, has forbidden contact between the two of them, and asked our daughter if she was getting "professional help". Our daughter has brought up the “professional help” part numerous times. It clearly bothers her a lot. We’ve explained that people who seek help when they need it are making healthy decisions verses choosing to ignore their problems. This boy’s mom believes her boy can do no wrong. She has bailed him out of everything and blames everyone else for everything. We won’t be able to reason with her but informing her could help deter the relationship again. But is this the best course of action?
Sorry for the long email but a lot has happened and I’ve probably only touched the surface. Your help/advise is greatly appreciated.
In summary, you had recommended Dr. Jill Murray’s book which was extremely helpful. She has been helpful in numerous ways. The boy our 14 year-old daughter is in love with has had sex, does drugs, has stolen and taken a joy ride in his neighbor’s car to name a few. He told our daughter she should tell us about the stolen car. (What’s that about?)
In the last month, our daughter has been so distraught over this boy that she tried cutting. She hasn’t done it since. She said she didn’t like it, she’s not a cutter and she won’t do it again. For her physical for H.S. sports she was open about the cutting with the doctor. I thought this was healthy since she wasn’t hiding it and I commended her for doing it.
IMing has been cut off. My computer and internet service are provided by the company I work for and not to be used for personal use by my kids. This one single thing seemed to lift a huge burden off my daughter because it was as if she were addicted to the computer, wanting to constantly see who was on and what was going on. I really believe she just simply couldn’t handle sifting through all that nonsense. Before the IMing was cut off he told our daughter that he thought of hanging himself but then her face came into his mind and he didn’t. He said this a couple of weeks after a girlfriend of his friend actually committed suicide in this same way. He told our daughter no one was going to the community fireworks display that evening out of respect for this girl but guess what; everyone was there. This boy either ignored or was mean to our daughter, or both. This same evening another boy called and asked her where she lived and said he would pick her up and have her home before her parents woke up. She said her parent’s wouldn’t let her several times before he finally left her alone. He hasn’t called since, thankfully. This was the night our daughter tried cutting.
After this boy threatened suicide my husband told our daughter that based on the cutting, her thoughts of wishing she were dead etc… that she needed to end this relationship. The boy’s mom told them that they were forbidden to see each other, and that they could only IM or do phone calls. The boy tried blaming us for this and said it was our fault they couldn’t see each other. I thankfully had the sense to save this boy’s mom’s voice mail message and played it for my daughter so she knows the truth. At your suggestion, we had invited this boy to our home in the hopes that our daughter would get it. Once again the term brain dead fits so well. (Although he only came over only once even though we extended several invitations. He would keep our daughter thinking he was coming over and then cancel or he’d say he had a headache and he would let her know after he ate etc…..)
With basically no contact with this boy and no IMing our daughter actually seemed to be coming back. She started calling us mom and dad again (she just hadn’t addressed us as anything for quite some time), her personality was not so harsh (although the normal adolescent thing still occurred, of course) and it has been nice and more normal in our home. But the bottom line is that because our daughter has not been able to come to the conclusion for herself that this boy is so bad for her even though she says he can be mean and she knows of all of the behaviors I listed at the top of this letter. She doesn’t seem to be able to get over him. The light in her head has come on but it goes out again after a short time. But here’s the hard part. This boy may be 14 but he’s BIG trouble. I get the strong feeling he WANTS to hurt our daughter and he knows how in love with him she is. We no longer believe that she’s capable of ending this and it’s not safe for her to be in contact with him. He has told our daughter that the law means nothing to him. (I wish someone could help me understand how our daughter could even want to be around someone like this. It is so foreign from the way she was raised. Are there any reasons?)
Now for the latest. Our daughter is at camp this week. Our oldest daughter, who is a camp counselor at the same camp, called us tonight and said that her sister received an email from this boy and she posted it on her wall. Our older daughter asked who she received emails from and she said from a girlfriend (again the deceit continues when it comes to this relationship. However, I believe that this girlfriend contacted the boy initially because our 14 year old was sure to give her the camp email address.) That’s the other hard part. These 14 year old friends are just as clueless and continue to encourage this relationship. We’re wondering if we should tell our daughter that we need to all sit down with her friends and discuss this unhealthy relationship and ask them to please support our daughter and please not encourage it. (Sound crazy?)
It feels pretty hopeless sometimes. Just last week our daughter pointed out some of this boy’s behaviors and she said she ripped up his pictures. Now I'm afraid we've lost ground again. I have this nagging feeling that she's in real danger and yet feel there is no secure way of protecting her. This makes me crazy. This boy wants us to know how bad he is. He told our daughter to tell us he stole the car and had to do community service for 5 days. This is only one of the reasons for fearing for our daughter's safety. Are these fears valid? What do we do about it? Anything? We did give her the part in Dr. Murray’s book on addictive relationships. She asked her girlfriend if she thinks it's an addictive relationship and her WISE friend said "no
My husband and I wonder whether we should call this boys mom again and inform her that they are in contact again. His mom doesn't like our daughter, has forbidden contact between the two of them, and asked our daughter if she was getting "professional help". Our daughter has brought up the “professional help” part numerous times. It clearly bothers her a lot. We’ve explained that people who seek help when they need it are making healthy decisions verses choosing to ignore their problems. This boy’s mom believes her boy can do no wrong. She has bailed him out of everything and blames everyone else for everything. We won’t be able to reason with her but informing her could help deter the relationship again. But is this the best course of action?
Sorry for the long email but a lot has happened and I’ve probably only touched the surface. Your help/advise is greatly appreciated.