14 and failing school as her only "control"

[joyfulgirl001]

Hello,
This is my first post, and at the rate things are going, I'm sure it won't be my last.

My previously wonderful daughter suddenly changed into someone new about 6 months ago. Then she started high school this fall and promptly began cutting classes. We talked to her and she voiced that she is unhappy most of the time with no real reason, so we found her a therapist. She stopped doing her school work and is failing all her classes. I get emails from her teachers telling me that she didn't turn any work last week, even though when I ask her if she is turning in the work, she says she is. She has told us and her therapist that she doesn't do the work because school is the one thing in her life that she can control. We tried a bribe - giving privelages if she did better in school, and she worked for a week and brought home a better progress report. But before we could pay up on the bribe, she left a school function with a boy (that we do not know and in a car, he's 16) after being told not to leave the function. So we did not let her go to the concert that we were bribing her with. So she's angry and she's not doing anything at school again.

Was it wrong to not let her go to the concert? She broke the rules and even though she was doing better in school, she had to have consequences. When I asked her what she thought her consequences should be, she said she should be grounded. She had a "reason" why she left and it didn't involve her making a bad decision (owning up to her responsibilities never even came into her mind).

What do I do now to get her to try in school? Did I mention that she's depressed and cuts herself sometimes? Are any of us going to survive this??? HELP!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
First, run all of your questions past your therapist. She/he is in a much better position to answer your questions about your daughter; however, I might offer a few pointers.
The fact that your reward system worked even a little is a good sign. It was probably not a good idea to take the concert away since she did earn that. With reward systems, never take away something the teen has earned, even if they mess up somewhere else. Otherwise, all of her "payments" become unreliable. Besides, "take-aways" in general don't work.
Try and keep the school problems as just "business" that can not damage the "personal"---your love for her ("Sweetheart, you make me crazy with the school stuff! And I love you more than I can say.") Focus more on keeping connected with her than on getting good grades.
The fact that she's depressed and cutting suggests that she might also be more impulsive than most kids for awhile. The impulsive stuff (leaving the school function) can be a way of medicating herself by risk-taking, which increases neuro-transmitters like dopamine. So until she gets stabilized a bit, go easy on the consequences stuff, and heavy on the calm, loving talk stuff ("Honey, I worry that you'll get hurt here. Can we agree on some rules that will keep us both happier?")
Ask your therapist if it is time to consider medication. It sounds like she's hurting a lot, and in ways that meds can ease.
And on that note, offer her all the healing hugs and support you can. Don't interrogate her, just let her know that you think she might be hurting a lot, and that you are there whenever she wants an ear. Stay as close as she'll allow.
Keep us posted.

[joyfulgirl001]

My husband pointed out that I presented this a little wrong. I think I should clarify and then see if your answer would be the same.

When she was doing poorly, we sat her down and spoke to her about the rules and expectations. She stated she felt she had no control over anything because she was grounded for many things and she was going stir-crazy at home. She asked if she did better in school if we would let her go to a certain concert. We explained that she would have to do better in school as well as comply with the rest of the expectations (improved attitude and following the rules i.e. don't leave school function). We explained it was a package deal. So when she left the school function, her consequence was no concert. Even though she was doing better in class and attitude.

Knowing all this, would your answer still be the same? Thanks for your time!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Essentially, my answer would still be yes. Of course you would be taken advantage of, but that's your role as a parent of a teen in a tough time. The idea is to focus on the part that worked.
I'd tell her that she gets a pass this time on not being where she promised, but that is a one-time happening. That the next time she disappears from a function, you have to see that as evidence that she might not be ready for the responsibility of having that much freedom, and you might have to say no for awhile until she gets the hang of being where be promises.
Stay focused on incentives, and even if she only partially makes the mark, tell her that you are so proud of her efforts to do what she promised. Keep asking her how together you can solve the other parts. Remember, as a parent you are in the failure business, meaning that your job is to help kids LEARN from their mistakes, not suffer because of them.